If I didn't care

CHAPTER 8 "teapot" (Rose)

She was wrong. 

It was always about me. 

Her words cut me like dry ice. The memories creeped up on me before I had a chance to repress them. I was overwhelmed with emotions. For once in my life I felt something other than love or obsession. 

Fear. 

I could see that blue cracked teapot in front of me now. Speckled with her blood. And I hated Luisa for it. 

I don't know what I must've looked like slapping myself around the head. Truth was, I was too scared to remember that awful teapot. I wanted to beat the memories out of me. Be rid of them once and for all. I couldn't bare to let her see me like that. To know what had happened to me, what I had done. 

Just so... vulnerable.

"STOP IT."

Luisa was on top of me, she had pinned my arms to either side of my head. Her legs forcing mine to lay still. My head thrashed as tears flew from my face. She carefully pressed my head with her chin, making me open my eyes. I couldn't take it. I cried out in frustration.

"Rose please stop, let me help you"

"I can't"

"Please tell me..."

"She- sh- e- she-

"ROSE! please who was she? What happened?" 

"I can't"

"WHY NOT?" 

"Because I haven't told anyone, I can't, she made me promise. Please you wouldn't understand. Don't make me" 

"Rose, I'm not trying to force you. I just want to understand."

She sighed slightly as she shifted her weight. 

"I won't make you do anything, you don't have too"

"I want to, I just-

Luisa released my wrists, blushing at the positions we were in. I sat up, back pressed firmly against the wall. She stared at me expectantly, eyes shadowed with tiredness. Would it really be so bad to finally tell someone. What would Luisa think of me. Disgusting. Slut. Murderer. My fingers dug into my hair, scratching at my scalp. Willing the memories to disappear. 

She placed her hands on top of mine, pulling them away from my head. I took a deep breathe, shakily exhaling. 

"She was my teacher."

Luisa nodded, urging me to go on.

"At least that's how this started. I thought I was in love with her. We would always meet for extra sessions. She thought I was special. That I was like her. I agreed. I was so in love with her I would've done anything for her."

Her eyes saddened as I continued, a deep frown covering her features. 

"One day, she said she wanted me to come to over to hers. For afternoon tea. That she was so impressed with my progress. A reward. I saw her putting things into the tea. I-I didn't say anything. I just wanted her to love me. Like I loved her. She um-" 

Tears slid freely down Luisa's cheek, I looked away. I couldn't bare to see the look on her face when I finally told her. My voice cracked as the words tumbled out. 

"We had sex. She- uh- sh- she liked to hit me a lot. I could've said no. But I didn't I just wanted her to like me Luisa. I just I don't know what I was thinking. Whenever we did anything it hurt. I felt like I deserved it, in a way. She would ask me if I liked it and I would um- 

I could still see it. Still feel the sting from her slaps. The blood everywhere. I should've seen the red flags. Stopped her. Done something. Anything. 

"Anyways this continued all year- she wouldn't touch me without having the tea. I never questioned her. we both drank it. I still have no idea what was in it." 

"Rose that's... horrible I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. You know this wasn't your fault right? She was your teacher, she should've known better." 

"Don't apologise it's not your fault." 

Silence. 

"How old were you ?" 

I swallowed. That was the one question I had hoped she would never ask. It made everything different. Made me look worse than I was. I felt sticky and hot. 

"I um I was 15- she was my first"

Luisa's face changed. 

"You were just a child" 

I let the statement hang in the air. Before continuing. I had made it this far. She deserved the truth. After everything I've put her through. 

"Well you see, I got mad. It was stupid and immature but I couldn't help it. She couldn't fuck me without her special tea, I couldn't stand it I wanted her so badly but she wouldn't touch me. She would make me tea. Fuck me. Then tell me to leave. Luisa please understand, I loved her so much."

Luisa wrapped me into a tight hug. Head nestled into the crook of my neck. Her grip was strong and comforting. Safe. My voice dropped to a whisper. 

"One day I couldn't stand it. I smashed the tea pot." 

She petted my hair, stroking each curl. 

"I threatened to take my own life. She said I was a silly little girl, that this was our little fun. That-that I had ruined it all. She -um - she said she wouldn't touch me again. I knew then that this wasn't normal. That she had probably done this before. That she would never want me. I felt so numb. I had wanted her so badly." 

Hot tears splashed off Luisa's shoulder. 

"That was my first kill." 

"Oh Rose." 

I pushed Luisa away. Hard. Hugging my knees to my chest. It was all over now. I wish I hadn't told her. This was what I was afraid of. The sudden understanding of the tragic backstory that 'made' me the villain I am today. How different I was to her now. The shock and disgust of how vile I was. 

She crawled closer. Cupping my cheek with her hand. 

"Rose, this doesn't change how I see you. Please you must believe me. I don't think I've ever stopped loving you. But what we have isn't healthy. If you really want us to work, you need to tell me things like this. Instead of bottling them up. I know you're scared. I don't even know what to say. I'm so very sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve that. Any of it." 

She wasn't like her. 

I smiled slightly at that. At least it was something. 

"I just don't want to loose you Luisa. I know I've done terrible things, my past certainly doesn't excuse that. But, you were so different, you actually wanted me. You loved me for who I am. I don't want to leave you. Not again."

Her lips brushed over my knuckles soothingly. Fingers stroking small circles over my thumb. 

"I'm afraid."

She looked at me, confused. 

"I don't want to leave you. But, im scared. That I'll make the same mistakes as before. And I can't loose you Luisa." 

"... So, what now?"