The second the hand touched my shoulder, I jumped in fear, with so much force I almost fell off the rocks, but the hands caught me.
"Hey, hey, it's just me, you're okay," a familiar voice cooed. A warm voice. A safe voice.
Tony.
"Have I really been up here for an hour?" I asked, choking back more tears.
He chuckled and looked at the ground. "Almost two. I knew you needed some time alone but you were gone a long time and I started to get worried."
I nodded, looking down at my feet. Tony assessed the state he found me in, and a look of concern washed over him. "What's on your mind, kiddo?" he asked, sitting down beside me and wrapping an arm around my waist.
I didn't speak for a while, but I eventually opened up. "It's just so much," I said, blankly. "I just can't handle all of this."
We were silent for another minute. "You know, you're a lot stronger than you think you are," he said, rubbing my back. "Remember, when we were 11, and your dad and you had a fight, and things got bad," he wasn't specific, but he didn't have to be. "and you just crawled into my window, laid in my bed, you didn't say a word. We slept, and in the morning, you woke up and it was like nothing happened. The bruises were still there but you couldn't keep that smile off your face. I never understood. You did that a lot. You bottled it all up, and didn't let yourself feel. You gotta let yourself feel," he said, pulling me into a side hug and kissing the top of my head.
I didn't say anything, but in response I just cried. I sobbed my heart out until I ran out of tears.
"Thank you," I breathed, pulling him close to me.
He smiled softly back at me. "Let's get you home, looks like it's about to rain."
We walked quickly down the hill and back to the house. As soon as we got off the grass and onto the sidewalk, it started to pour. When we got back to the house, we were sopping wet, and I was shivering. Tony noticed me trembling and raised an eyebrow. "Are you that cold?"
I nodded my head, he smiled softly and set his hand on my shoulder. "Let's get you warmed up," he said, ushering me up the stairs. We walked into my room. "Take your clothes off," he instructed, opening the door to our bathroom and walking into his room. I carefully peeled my clothes off, layer by layer. He returned just as I was taking my shirt off. His eyes fell onto my body and his demeaner dropped. He handed me a large, fluffy dressing gown and I slid it onto my shaking frame. "What are we going to do with you..." he said, under his breath.
I sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed and he joined me. We both laid back and stared at the ceiling. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am trying," I sighed.
"I know, it just..." he took a deep breath. "It's killing me to see you like this. I just want to make you better."
I turned my head to face him. "Rome wasn't built in a day, Tone."
He cocked his head to look back at me. "I know. I just wanna get you there." I shot him a soft smile and he sat up off the bed. "Wait here," he said. He went back into the bathroom and shut the door, returning a few minutes later. I sat up and he waved me into the bathroom. The large soaker tub was filling with water, bubbles forming at the surface, the smell of lavender filling the rooms. A few candles were scattered around the ledge of the tub, flickering with light. A wood tray laid across the tub, with a large bottle of water on top. "It'll help you relax, and warm you up. I'll knock on the door when lunch is ready," he kissed me on the top of the head, walking out and closing the door softly behind him.
I hung the dressing gown on a hook beside the tub and slowly submerged my cold, aching body into the water. It was the perfect temperature, not too hot. I allowed my muscled to relax and my mind followed. Once the tub was full, I turned the taps off and sipped on the water. I laid back, placed my head gently on the head rest and closed my eyes.
What felt like only a few moments later, there were hands shaking me awake. I shot up, making a small wave that luckily contained itself to the tub. "Why were you sleeping in the bath?! You could have drowned!" Tony exclaimed, worry washing over his face.
It was then I realized how long I had been in there. The water was now barely lukewarm, and I was shaking again. "I didn't mean to, I promise Tony I'm just so tired and I was so relaxed.." I said frantically.
"You just scared me a little, is all." Tony bit his lip. I noticed him looking me body up and down. I responded by pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs, making my self as small and invisible as possible. Tony sighed as he unplugged the drain and helped me stand up out of the tub, wrapping me in a fluffy towel. His gaze never left my frame.
"Tone," I started. "Why - why do you keep looking at me like that?" I asked, gesturing to him constantly studying my body.
He looked down at the floor before turning to the door where the dressing gown was, grabbing it off the hook.
"I could have stopped this, Brae. If I didn't leave- if I stayed to protect you,"
I cut him off. "You need to stop doing that, Tony. We don't know what would have happened if you'd never left. Maybe I would've found myself at the same bar the same night i met Mason. Maybe I would have relapsed regardless." My head hung to the floor as Tony replaced my towel with the dressing gown. "Maybe one of my attempts would have been successful..."
Tears welled up in Tony's eyes, I could tell he was fighting them. "It was supposed to be my job to protect you..." he whispered. "And I just let you go. I threw you to the wolves."
I buried my face into his chest, breathing in his secret. "But you're here now," I whispered back.
He tightened his grip around me and kissed the top of my head. "And I'n never letting you go again."
