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Vent session 4

I don't know where to begin ...I miss my friend ,I miss everyone that was important in my life . They are gone and now I am here just crying my eyes out because I feel so alone and I got so much to say and I can't say anything because they are not here  ......  I am slowly dying in life every time I lay my head , my dreams are vivid and my life is s distorted in my eyes I feel like I am a  maze walking around with shackles on my knees and hands . I feel captive I feel like I can't do anything I feel like I did something  bad in my pass life and I am paying the consequences by being here. If  X and lil peep was here  I wonder what they would have said ? If my friend I was soooo freaking close to was here I wonder what she would say ? Because I can't do it anymore I have no one to talk to because nobody understands and I keep crying and eating I don't even care for school are anything I don't even know how I am gonna even make it the first day of school due to my paranoia hitting the highest ....I feel sick like really fucking sick I can't go in public places because I freak out I can't have friends because I have too much expectation and I can't be in a relationship because I feel like everyone wanna break me and make me worst than how I am ...Life take a toll on your mentally when your too "woke" you realize too much and expect less because you know it's not gonna happen . Imagine being mentally captivated for 17 years battling suicide , depression , anxiety , PTSD and all that everyday all at once ? Imagine walking up and not know what tf is going on around you ? Imagine constantly being judge by people to point you don't even wanna show yourself publicly you just cover up and never come out .