Shut Up I'm Thinking

seconds of our life

Hudson scribbled down on the wrinkled paper, a worn down pencil in his left hand. Small strands of his dark hair fell down past his forehead and in front of his blue orbs. Hudson brushed the hairs out of his eyes with his right hand, his left never pausing the pencil. He chomped down on his lower lip and wiggled his piercing around with his tongue. The college boy's brain slowed down, causing the concentration to fade away. Hudson waited a few seconds for the words to return, but they never did. His eyelids slid down and the forefinger and thumb came up to massage his temples thoroughly.

Breath in. Breath out. He repeated the process or and over until he was calming down his rising temper. Though it wasn't really working, he slammed his fist against the countertop, "Damn it!" Hudson's attitude had drastically increased over the years due to others, he easily became annoyed by breathing organisms faster than a human ever should. But that's what made him human-he had flaws. The funniest part about the situation is that, three years ago he was as happy as flower in a meadow. Life loves to play tricks on a person, takes a toll on a person.

Hudson Michaels never believed in falling in love or even a love story, but only because he saw his parents relationship and marriage fall apart before his eyes. He was fourteen when he witnessed the "tragic" events. Was he upset? To say the least. He was furious at his parents, but for the wrong reasons. He believed that they brought this upon him because they didn't love him and wanted to punish him. Only Hudson was talked out of the silly thoughts by his one true friend, Autumn Chase, when she laughed in his face for such thoughts. She was the one friend he actually had; of course he hung out with other kids at school, but none were ever really referred to as "friends". Was he ever romantically inclined with Autumn? No. Did he feel for her? At one point he questioned himself, but pushed the thoughts out of his mind. They were best friends, not lovers. He just couldn't risk it; too dangerous. Though that never stopped other guys from going after his friend.

She was beautiful to say the least. Energetic green eyes that always seemed to have a sparkle in them. Blonde hair, that at one point she dyed bright red, cascading past her shoulder and to mid-back in silky waves. Petite and small compared to Hudson, standing at a strong 5'6". Her skin always seemed to be white as snow, but flawless at the same time, no matter how much of the time she spent outside in the sun.

Hudson never realised what he lost until it came swinging back at him, full force. After high school and halfway through his first year of community college did his precise loss come back to him. Only when he thought it would raise his spirit, did it really rip into shreds. It was all a big mistake to reach out to his dreams. He knew how it would end deep down inside.

Miserable and taunting.

Her life turned upside down and inside out. She ended up with a child laboring in her stomach and the boy living in a different state for the first three years of his son's life. Every time the memories play, she shed tears. Not because what she did that night was a mistake, but because it brought the most beautiful, innocent little boy into her life and she wouldn't regret a second of her life if it meant that he would be hers. The only minor problem about that was that she was nineteen years old and beginning her college years.

Now Autumns twenty two years old with a three year old son, living in a little apartment in New York City with the only friends she had met in college, probably the only people that supported and helped her with the baby. She refused to date, using the excuse that she can't do that to her baby boy, but the true reason is that she hasn't fully healed from being parted from her best friend and the love of her life.

He was Autumn's best friend for years, yet they never thought the concept of dating would apply to them. When she was accepted to Yale he had told her he was going to a community college in their home town. She have to admit it hurt, she had been through everything with him; ups and downs, thick and thin, sideways, and even diagonal. They tried to keep in touch as much as possible, but with procrastinator for a best friend, they had never gotten the chance to chat. Autumn had finally reached her breaking point around the middle of her first year and called him up, they agreed on a date to meet up. During that meet up she had finally gotten to see his piercing blue eyes and thick black hair, so to sum it up; her hormones were having a sugar rush spasm.

Hudson was a firm believer of lust, and that's what he agreed happened that night. It might have been something different, however he will never give in to the thought that maybe, just maybe, it was more than lust. After all, she was his best friend not his long lost love. He made the biggest mistake of his life when he walked away three years ago. Now Hudson had no one left.

He continued to scribble down words onto crinkled covered sheet of lined paper. Each and every word scribbled down is filled with a deep emotion of sadness, remorse, and a hint of hope.

Cason and Autumn,

i know we've never met before and i understand i cant make up for lost time. theres not enough time in the world to make up all that i missed Cason. but i want to try and get to know you. your mother (i know) wont want that to happen. she doesnt even want to see my face. she and i use to be really close. best friend close. shes strong headed but also level headed. thats what i like about her. present tense. i love you Cason.

and Autumn. im really sorry i wasnt there for Cason and you when he came to be but you have to see where im coming from. being a father? thats too much for me to handle in just one visit. i never meant for that to happen. to get you pregnant and leave. three years ago i mean. i know i know. why wasnt i there for you sooner? i didnt know if you would actually want to see my face or even have Cason see my face. i was scared of rejection. but im back and prepared to be a dad. this seems to be a lot to put on your shoulders and you were never good with pressure but i want to give it a try. maybe we can even be friends again. no i dont want to rush into anything but just think about it for a while and get back to me about it. im where ive always been so you know where to contact me at.

Love,

Hudson Michaels

Would Hudson ever mail this letter to this girl? Maybe. When he had started to write it he was absolutely positive he was ready to meet the three years old boy, but now that it's actually written he was having regrets.

No. Not now. Not yet. He was going to mail this letter if it was the last thing he did. He wanted to meet his son, needed to. Never in his life will he ever want to look back and say he was a terrible father.

Hudson could feel his heart beating rather heavily in his chest, feeling as if it were to burst with affection. Before he even realised it, he was grinning like an idiot.

A/n: I wrote this when I was like 13. Who did I think I was? I remember not actually continuing the story bc I didn't feel mature enough to write it and wanted to continue when I was older. But now that I'm older I really don't want to write it, but thought id post this to show my improvement in skill (hopefully)