Going Live- A Destiel Fanfic

Heavy Tears and Three Words

"I- okay. Can we talk when you're done?" I ask carefully which earns a questioning look from him, but he doesn't ask. He replies with a nod and disappears behind the bathroom door. 'Please don't screw everything up Castiel.'

~~~

|Dean's POV|

His words run circles in my head. "Can we talk when you're done?" All I can think about is every possible moment that led up to this one. It had to have been my fault. He's never said anything like that before. It can't be a coincidence.

'What did I do?

Did I push him too far?

Was he uncomfortable and I didn't notice?

What if I went too far?

Maybe I shouldn't have kissed his forehead?

Were my hands too close?

Did I say something wrong?

It's always my fault.

I shouldn't push my luck like that.

He doesn't think of me the same way.

I couldn't have hurt him again, could I?

What the fuck did I do wrong this time?'

My mind won't calm itself and I can only think the worst of this situation.

'Does he want to move out?

What if I never get to see him again?

How am I supposed to tell him?'

Before I lose myself completely to my thoughts, I strip my clothes from my body and fold them neatly into the corner. From the mirror, I see the paint brushed neatly onto my face and think of the paint Cas had washed from his face after the meet and greets were over. A hollow feeling sits in my chest knowing that a piece of us had been washed down the drain with the color.

I hate the way he makes me feel, but I love it too much to stop it. Just his smile is enough to send longing through my chest. I feel like a cliche teenage girl from a rom-com, but there's no other way to explain how I feel. It's so stupid. Feelings are dumb, but I'm dumber for ever letting it go this far.

I'm not supposed to feel like this. I'm a guy. We aren't supposed to feel so helpless or hopelessly at the mercy of another being. I've always been told I'm supposed to be strong. I don't need other people. I'm not supposed to feel so strongly about another man and I never have. Such there were plenty of secrets during high school and college, but none of them were him. I hate it. I'm not supposed to be like this.

But I am. I was made this way. And I don't care what others think. I love him.

I'm just not brave enough to say it.

~~~

Once I'm out of the shower, it's easier to focus. My mind has somewhat calmed, although my heart-rate is still not eased completely. There are still particles of glitter spread throughout my hair, but I've given up all hope that they will ever totally disappear. And Cas seemed to love them anyway.

My black cut-off houses the Velvet Underground's logo and my red flannels fit comfortably around my waist, leaving enough room to move. My hair is spiked up from my intense shower reminding me of the time Sammy called me a hedgehog when he was little.

I've never felt so uneasy being in the same room as Cas. He usually calms me but now, I'm terrified of the words that could spill out of his mouth. How just one sentence could end everything that I've been too scared to say. I should tell him.