A Hanky-Panky Party

14 - Chad Pitt

Brad was shook. So much had just happened! He remembered what the day had been like before all the drama: Bethy went to ABS, he played with his hissing cockroaches, then Bethy came home and they went to Crunk It Up together. Bethy preached in the party room while Brad talked to strangers in a smoldering Scottish accent at the bar, introducing himself as "Chad Pitt".

Brad was really insecure. He hated his body, his face, his voice, his fame, and his wealth— because under that mask laid a baby boy who cried for his memer at night. So years before, Brad made a dashing alter ego for himself. This alter ego wasn't a baby, but instead a grown-ass chad.

However when the murderers ransacked the tavern, Brad freaked it. He couldn't find Bethany and he couldn't be a chad! L Then Stretch picked them up and ran. Brad met a cute female named Ella. Bethany died. Now they were holding an autopsy in Omish Josh's bathtub? Brad started bawling in the living room. It was just too effin coo-coo !!

Ella Crystal came up to him. "Hey," she said softly. "You okay?"

Brad violently wiped his nose. "Totally, just being a chad like always," he said quickly. "You know the drill. The grind don't stop!" Then he started sobbing again.

Ella sat beside him on the couch. "I heard that you were Bethany's BF. I'm really sorry."

"Yeah, thanks. She was a real piece of work."

"I meant I'm sorry that she's dead."

"Oh. Yeah." Brad blushed and tucked his hair behind his ear. He looked over his shoulder. "Sooo...are they done in the bathroom yet?"

"No, the autopsy's not quite finished." Ella bit her lip, staring down at her Doc Martens. She looked up and said hesitantly, "Hey, you should come check it out."

Brad began to protest, but Ella grabbed his hand and smiled. "Come on. It'll be fun."

As she led him into the bathroom, Brad asked, "So what do you do for a living?"

"I'm an entomologist. I study insects, like, bugs and whatever."

Brad felt his cheeks flush. "Really? I effing love bugs! Bethany hated them. That's tight." He felt his throat constrict with nervousness. "...Hey, Ella, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot," Ella said.

But then they entered the bathroom, where everyone was crammed around the tub. The dead man laid in there, all open and bloody. His insides were ribbed, cavernous, moist, and a shade of spongy off-white. Brad gagged. "Never mind," he told Ella.

"Ah, there you two are," Mulder said. "What have you been up to out there?"

"Brad was crying," Ella replied, "so I helped calm him down."

Brad gasped. "I was not! Liar!" Then his frown turned upside down and he had to giggle. He didn't mind Ella's ignorance of social cues.

"Anyway, lookit this guy's body." Scully pointed to the corpse. "It's just so gross. We can't figure it out. I think maybe he was rotting alive before we killed him. That'd explain his coloring and texture."

"Or he's an alien!" Mulder screamed, jumping up and down. His glasses fell to the floor in his excitement but didn't break. "That'd explain the alien blood we found in his DNA."

"Oh, you and your aliens, Fox." Scully shook her head and laughed. "You really think DNA is enough proof?"

"Yes, but for you to believe me, Sculls, I think I should broaden my theory. Let's track down any possible suspects and force them to give us their blood. Then we'll see if there's a trend."

"Isn't that a serious violation of health and privacy?" Emily Blunt asked.

"You're a serious violation of health and privacy," Sir Stretch muttered.

Emily blunt glared at him, then disgraced her pants out of shame and anger.

Mulder continued. "Scully, you said Mcbrayer is a prime suspect. So let's go get him."

Mcbrayer. That was Ella's butler. Brad shared a look with the mansion owner QT.

"Okay," Ella finally said, steeling her jaw. "Let's get him."

NOTE: There would be more pictures in this part, but every time I uploaded them Wattpad deleted everything in the chapter. Wattpad has been very annoying with format and saving recently, for me at least.

-adumpylittledump