YOUTH. | JK | COMPLETE

it's nothing

Love is something she doesn't understand. She's never been in love. Her brain is an analytical one, a surgeon's brain. She focuses on facts and figures and numbers and statistics. There is no fact she can use about love to reassure herself that what she feels is real; no figure or number or statistic, either. And the fact that she feels so strongly for Jeongguk with no other evidence than the weird, nauseatingly fond feeling in her gut terrifies her.

So, in typical, Haneul fashion, better known as panic-induced self destruction, she finds herself in her apartment with practically a stranger, his lips on her own and her heart somewhere else. Her mind someplace else. How Jeongguk laid in this bed three months ago, not sleeping with her, but quite literally sleeping with her. How they could do something as innocent as sleeping and it could still endear her more than anything. How she felt perfectly content just knowing that he was beside her, not having to do more.

Wooseok's shirt comes off, and he says something that's supposed to be funny but isn't to Haneul. He descends on her lips again, and she tries her best to enjoy it.

It would be so much easier to just ignore the way her heartstrings pull her, so much easier to just immerse herself in Wooseok's body and forget Jeongguk. To have some more meaningless sex while she figures out what love is. To pretend Jeongguk never barged into her life with his natural charm and dazzling smile and pure kindness.

But she can't. It hurts too much. Jeongguk is who her heart wants, whether her stubborn, analytical brain wants him or not.

She loves him. That's what this mildly sickening and yet thrilling feeling is. Despite her lack of scientific evidence or concrete proof, she knows that this is love. Love. Love, for one Jeon Jeongguk, wire rimmed glasses, old fashioned speech, Wanderer and all.

And kissing Wooseok and feeling absolutely nothing is what brings this revelation upon her. Kissing Wooseok is what nothing feels like. But kissing Jeongguk—talking to Jeongguk, holding Jeongguk, doing anything with Jeongguk—that's what love feels like.

But before she can gently remove Wooseok from her person and politely escort him off the premises, the doorbell rings.

And though she is thankful for the interruption in that split second—she learns not to be in the moments to come.

•••

Love is what fuels Haneul to Jeongguk's doorstep. Her tears are dried on her cheeks as she stares at Jeongguk's door, the anxiety of basically chasing Jeongguk home from Busan along with the looming, finite end of their relationship taking a toll on her. She rushed Wooseok out the door, grabbed her purse and sped to the train terminal, barely catching the train to Seoul. She texted her grandmother who lives in Seoul that she'd be staying with her for a little while, and spent the rest of the ride figuring out how to explain the method to her madness.

Or at least, attempting to figure it out. Because Haneul is standing on Jeongguk's doorstep with not an inkling of what to say to fix what she broke. Nevertheless, she knocks, swallowing the lump in her throat and her fear. She needs to see his pretty doe eyes, she needs to wipe his tears. She needs to hear his voice and feel his touch. She needs to tell him she loves him.

So when the door swings open, the last person she expects to see is a tall, lithe, blue haired man. Did she follow the wrong person? Haneul almost panics out of embarrassment, but stops when she takes a closer look at the blue haired man and realizes she knows him. Taehyung. Jeongguk's friend. The bubbly, smiling, radiant man who lit up Hoseok's hospital room.

But Taehyung isn't so smiley right now. In fact, the muscles in his jaw pulse with anger and his eyes cut into her with a sharp glare.

"Taehyung, hi. Is Jeongguk, um, around?" Haneul says, voice still thick with her tears, trying not to wither underneath his gaze.

"He's a little preoccupied at the moment. Just collecting his heart. Y'know, the one you smashed into a bajillion tiny little pieces?" He snaps, and Haneul winces, fresh tears springing to her eyes. "Jeongguk doesn't want to see you right now. Hell, he doesn't even want to think of you, the last thing he wants to do is see you."

"I know. I know, and I can explain." She chokes out, but Taehyung doesn't seem to buy it in the slightest, going to shut the door. Haneul stops him, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please, Taehyung. I love him. I know how bad it seems, but I do. More than anything, and it took me fucking up to realize, but I do."

"You love him? Seriously? That's such bullshit. If you really loved Jeongguk, you would have cherished him like the beautiful soul he is. Not hurt him. Not fuck some other guy!" Taehyung practically hisses, going to shut the door again.

"We didn't fuck—" She stops, realizing it's useless to try to argue, and takes a breath. "Here, just—" Haneul scrambles for a pen to write with from her bag, and settles for a gum wrapper to scribble her grandma's address on. "Just give this to him. I'll be in town until he's ready. Tell him I'm sorry, and I'll be here to talk whenever he's ready."

She hastily presses the wrapper into Taehyung's palm, and walks away before he can see her break down completely.

•••

When Haneul hears knocking at the door, her heart skips a beat. Or five. Jeongguk is who she expects to see on the other side.

But instead—

It's Taehyung, blue hair tousled, lips slightly swollen, and a frantic look in his eyes.

"Taehyung?" She exclaims, and the blue haired man manages half a smile.

"Hi." He murmurs, and Haneul doesn't need to know what happened to know that Taehyung isn't okay. His hands shake and he paces in Haneul's grandmother's foyer, breath uneven.

"Taehyung, what's wrong?" Haneul asks, and to that, Taehyung gives a humorless laugh.

"We're not gonna get into what's wrong with me right now, that's not why I'm here." He explains, before stopping his pacing to look Haneul square in the face.

"Then, why are you here?" She asks.

"Listen here and listen good. Jeon Jeongguk is too good for this world, okay? He's an angel. The purest soul I've ever met in my hundred and thirty seven years of life. And he—he deserves love. He deserves loyalty. He deserves more than you've been giving him, that's for damn sure." He says, fire in his eyes.

"Taehyung, if you came here to tell me how awful I am, don't bother. I feel awful. I feel worse than awful. Because you're right, he does deserve more. Much better than me." Haneul murmurs, looking at the floor shamefully.

"He does. But he wants you, for some reason that's beyond my understanding." He says, and at this, Haneul glances up, jaw agape. "And...I didn't plan on telling him you came. Because I lo—because, I uh, I care about him, and I wanted him to move on. But then I realized it's not about what I want. It's about what he wants. What he needs. Who he...loves." Taehyung's voice breaks, and Haneul is beginning to understand why Taehyung is so distraught. "And that person is you. So you get back over there and explain, and when he forgives you, you make up for this tenfold. You treat him right, you understand?"

"I will. I promise you, Taehyung." Haneul says sincerely, and Taehyung nods.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go!" He snaps, and Haneul scrambles for her shoes, not even bothering to change out of her pajamas.

"Taehyung...thank you." Haneul says, gently resting her hand on his shoulder. Taehyung sighs, deflating like a balloon.

"It's nothing." He mumbles, and she leaves.

Maybe the more he tells himself it's nothing, the more it will feel like nothing.

wHEw That was long hope u liked it love y'allll

edited 05/07/20