Jaemin the Icy Prince and Me - Na Jaemin NCT

61. Jolin's Story Part 2

"The years passed. We didn't have much in common, my husband and I, and after a while, we ran out of things to say. I think he knew that I didn't love him, but he never talked to me about it. When Jaemin came, we had more things to talk about, but they were always about the baby - buying new nappies, changing to a new milk formula, making sure he had his jabs, choosing a nice playschool for him, getting him a new toy for his birthday, deciding what musical instrument would be best for him, things like that; he grew up very quickly, and one day, I realised that my husband and I had run out of things to say again."

"And then Jaewook walked back into my life again."

"He called me out of the blue, and we arranged to meet over coffee in a cafe; he walked in, and it was like yesterday all over again. I was 46 years old, and so was he; he was greyer, thinner, older, but one look at him, and I knew I was still in love with him, I had never stopped loving him."

"How much I had missed him - the soft lines around the eyes when he smiles, that look he used to give me that I can't even begin to describe..."

"It was that look that gave him away at once, I'd know that look anywhere, the look that said, I love you...It used to be my everything."

"We talked and talked the whole afternoon, I spoke more to him that one afternoon than I had ever spoken to my husband in 21 years of marriage. At the end of the conversation, he told me that he loved me, that he had always loved me. He had been a fool, he said, and he had waited too long to tell me, and it would always be his biggest regret in life. Do you love me? he asked, and I nodded. There was no point lying, he could see the truth in my eyes, that I didn't love my husband, that I loved him, that I had always loved him. He told me to leave my husband, but I said I couldn't, I had my son to think of. But he saw that I was desperately unhappy, and insisted that he wanted to speak to my husband. I called my husband, and told him that I wanted to talk, and asked him to come back home, I would be waiting. Jaemin came home when Jaewook and I were upstairs in my bedroom, we weren't doing anything wrong, we were just sitting down, talking, and I was showing him Jaemin's pictures. Jaemin was furious, and his father came home at the same time, he took one look at Jaewook, and knew at once what I wanted to say. He walked out of the house, and didn't come home until two days later."

"And Jaewook looked at me, at my face, and he knew that I wouldn't leave with him, he knew I would stay on in my loveless marriage for the sake of my son..."

"Goodbye." That was all I said.

"The hardest thing I've ever had to do was nothing," she whispered. "Just standing there, doing nothing, watching him walk away when all I wanted to do was beg him not to go."

"And this thought was running through my head the whole time I stood there watching him go, watching him walk out of my life: how could two people who love each other so much not be together?"

"Jaemin's father and I never spoke of that incident again. From that day on, we lived separate lives. He moved to the guest room downstairs, and I stayed on in the master bedroom. We had been strangers long before this, so it hardly made any difference - except, perhaps my husband knew now why I had never loved him - it was Jaewook who had always owned my heart..."

"But you can still be with him," I said softly. "Jaemin's grown up, he'll understand..."

"It's too late..." she smiled at me through her tears.

"I received a call today from Jaewook's sister in Canada...she introduced herself, she said her brother had told her all about me, she said - she said I was the love of his life..." She began to cry quietly, the tears streaming down her face. "She said, Jolin, don't be shocked at what I'm about to say, Jaewook was involved in a hit-and-run accident in Toronto yesterday...He died in hospital early this morning at 3 am, and you were the last thought on his mind. She was crying over the phone, she said his last words were: "Tell Jolin I love her...Tell her I'll be waiting..."

She started to cry, harsh, painful sobs that racked her body, making her breaths come in rasping, shuddering gasps.

"How I wish I could undo it all, take it all back. All those years I spent unhappy with my husband, when I should have been with him."

"And I realised something..."

"I've been dying for a long time now..."

"...and the last time I felt alive, I was looking into his eyes, and saying goodbye...."

"The last time I felt alive, I was already dying..."

"And today, I died..."

"I died today, with him..."

And she bowed her head, and the tears flowed.