Pen to Paper [N.H.]

7.4 - Issues - Drop

I hate myself sometimes. 5 minutes ago I was happy. Happier than ever. Too happy. Dangerously happy. I shouldn't be this happy. I don't deserve to be happy. Once again I let it go too far. I don't think there's further than this. I have to get out. If I continue down this road. Bad things will happen. I don't want her to be around for it.

I stand up, too tense to be sitting down. I walk over to the window, resting my forehead on it. I feel her movements behind me. She standing behind me waiting. Patient. Understanding. But how understanding can she be? Understanding enough to stick around after this?

'Clo...' I stop for a second, she doesn't say anything so I take a deep breath, looking at my feet, still facing away from her, 'I don't think I can do this.'

'Do what exactly?' She asks me confused.

'Us. This... A relationship. I just... I can't.'

'What?' She croaks.

'I don't... I don't-'

'Love me? Is that what you're trying to say? Did you just say it so I'd sleep with you?'

I quickly turn around and look her in the eyes 'No! Of course no! I do. I meant it then.'

'Then. So you don't mean it now? You changed your mind in the last two hours?' She asks in a louder tone.

'Chloe...'

'No you know what? You listen to me!' She starts shouting, 'Every time you push me away, you say it's for my own good, you're protecting me from you, you have good intentions. But no Niall! You're just being selfish! Every time you do this, you don't realise how much you actually hurting me! I really thought today was gonna make a difference. That our relationship is stronger than ever before. That I don't need to worry about you dropping me again. But I guess I'm the idiot here. I'm stupid for believing that you'd catch me when I fall as much as I'd do it for you. I know It's probably not fair. I know you've gone through shit. But you know what? So have I. And right now? You just seem to be like every other jerk I've dated when I came to London. I thought I'd better be alone, so I wouldn't let anyone break my heart ever again. I let my guard down and let you in. Well, nice to know that 3 years ago I was smarter than today.'

'Chloe...'

'No Niall! Shut up! Do you know how much I hate you right now? Do you know that I feel like you just ripped my heart out and broke it into a million pieces right now? No, of course, you don't!'

'I'm sorry...'

'No you're not Niall! No, you're not! Because that's exactly what you wanted. You're pushing me away yet again! Well,' 

She pauses, goes to the bedroom, puts on a pair of jeans and a hoodie over her PJs and grabs her purse. 

'This is me walking out!' She pushes past me into the hallway towards the front door.

I quickly catch up to her and hold firmly her wrist.

'Chloe please!'

'Please what? You seriously think that after breaking my heart and rejecting me right after you told me you loved me and slept with me, I'm still gonna come back and make you feel better? You seriously think after all of that I'm gonna be understanding enough to stand by you? Cheer you up long enough to have the courage to take the next step only to throw me off the cliff yet again as soon as we reach a new top? Niall, I'm tired. I'm hurt. The bruises haven't healed yet and you just keep on adding on to them. I'm leaving. There's nothing you can do about it.'

She forces her way out of my grip and walks to the front door.

'What about the book?'

She grips the door handle but just stops there. 'I got everything I need. I'm gonna write the rest.'

'So what we'll never see each other again? Is that what you want?'

Hesitantly, she turns around to face me, 'It's definitely not I want! Unfortunately, life's unfair and we don't always get what we want. And sometimes, I need to choose myself over the man I'm in love with. I'm sorr. You know what? No, I'm not sorry! Goodbye Niall.'

'No, Chloe! Please don't leave! Not like that! Let's talk it out! We can fix this. You always find a way to fix things.'

'Fix your own problems. Bye Niall.'

And she just walks out. I wanted to run after her, catch her up, kiss her, just somehow erase everything that just happened. But my feet don't seem to work. My brain just shut off. My heart stopped beating. I lifelessly walk back to the sitting room, looking back at the TV. 

Three little words I knew I'd say again.

'I hate me!'