The Kids Aren't Alright

Chapter 48: Becca

I've never been good at putting my thoughts into words, so here goes nothing:

I'm sorry that I haven't written to you all summer. It was selfish of me to ignore you, and I can't apologize enough if I caused you any harm. These have been a very hard few months for me and I wanted nothing more than to pretend like they didn't happen. But forgetting about all that time meant erasing you from my memories too, and that was such a shitty mistake on my part.

I started therapy after I left rehab. It's been very helpful so far. One important thing that my therapist told me is that I need to talk about my feelings instead of holding them inside. She says that things got bad after my dad died because I ignored the pain inside of me, and that ignoring your feelings is the same as ignoring a bleeding cut on your skin. If you don't tend to your emotions, they fester inside of you, and only get worse with time. So, I'm going to try to be open with you. I'm going to let my feelings out, instead of holding them in. Some of this isn't easy for me to say. I know it won't be easy for you to hear. I just hope that we can both bear the weight of what we have done.

I want to start off by saying that I owe you my life. I know that's a pretty intense statement to make, but it's true. You saved me. I would have died on those cold bathroom tiles if you hadn't found me and called 911. I don't know how you knew I was in trouble. Maybe it was coincidence, or fate. I've decided not to question such things anymore. What matters is that you found me before it was too late. I'm sure that you're beating yourself up over not finding me sooner, but I'd like to let you know that I was pretty far gone before the drugs were even in my system. I entered that bathroom lost and hurting. Either way, I was ending up in a hospital.

Now comes the hard part. I really struggled with this, so it's hard even to write down, but here it is: my biggest fear is that I hurt you, too. I was in such a dark place back then, and now I worry that I dragged you down into it with me. Your abuela told me about what happened to Sammy and it shook me to my soul. I never wanted you to hurt him like that. I never wanted that kind of revenge. It's true that Sammy should be punished for selling drugs to teenagers, but what you did to him wasn't punishment. It was violence. And the Becca I know never would have had it in her heart to do something so violent to another person.

I think that I did this to you, and I'm so, so sorry because of it. Abuela tells me that you're in a camp now, one for teens with issues. I think that it's all my fault. When I whispered Sammy's name in your ear, I was sick. In so many ways. Back then, I couldn't see past the pain inside of me. I was blinded by my grief and fury. But I see so much more clearly now, and I see that getting revenge against Sammy was wrong. Maybe one day you will see that too. Maybe you already have.

I can only hope that I haven't turned you down the same dark path that almost killed me. It's easy to become obsessed with revenge; to dream about getting even with the people who have wronged you. Revenge is such a raw desire. It can be more addictive than drugs. (Trust me, I would know.) Some people get a taste of it and are never the same again.

When you found me, it wasn't too late. I can only pray that it's not too late for you, either.

Over the past few weeks of recovery, I've realized this: It's not about hurting other people. It's about healing ourselves. Call me cheesy, but my favorite Bible passage is Romans 12:20-21: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." I think this summarizes my message very nicely. "And eye for an eye" is such a cruel, thoughtless saying. It's easy to hurt people. It's much harder to forgive them. If we stopped taking our enemies' eyes, and started giving back their sight instead, I think the world would be a much better place.