Dear Amber

June 1st, 2021

Dear Amber,

I can still remember that day 2 years ago. The memory is so fresh and detailed that it feels like it happened just yesterday. However, my hand doesn't shake anymore every time I recall what happened in this journal; neither do my eyes water from just the mere thought of you in that hospital bed. They water for a whole new reason now.

Waking up every morning for the past two years and realizing that you don't even remember me anymore is so heartbreaking that it's physically tough to even move. The only way for me to make it a little more bearable is to cry and let it out. My mornings start with me crying and at nights I cry myself to sleep. What kind of life is this? I wonder when it will end? If it will end?

I don't show it in front of anyone else though. I have never been comfortable showing emotions in front of anyone else but you. You brought out the best in me and even though I hated that you made me so vulnerable, it made me a better person. I've been slipping though, in keeping my emotions in check. I'm pretty sure my mom has watched the tear that always seems to roll down my cheek every time I look at the picture of us from the Maldives. You're laughing and your eyes seem to shine as I kiss your head. You look so carefree, so happy and full of life but most of all, you look so in love with me. You remember me.

How can God be so cruel as to rob you of the memory of the only person that would do anything in the world to see you happy? Everyone could see it then and everyone can see it now. We've always been happiest when we are together. How is it that you remember everyone but me? You have no idea how it is to see you be yourself around others whilst treating me as just another one of your friends. Everyone can see my heart breaking a little more every time I see you and you have the same friendly look in your eyes.

Your eyes don't shine anymore when you see me. You don't smile that special smile that you used to every time you saw me back when you remembered me. You give me a hug as greeting instead of the kiss that I crave so much. Worst of all, you don't love me like you used to.

When I cry myself to sleep at night, I sometimes wonder if you'd still love me as much as you used to if your memory returned now. If you don't, I'd understand but it would still kill the little bit of life left in me because, at the end of the day, your love was what made me want to live. If I don't have your love any more than I'll lose my reason to live.

I love you,

Ely