Old Sepia Pages

1. over the summer

4th july, thursday, 2019

dear diary,

I haven't written in the past 3 months, ever since I completed and put away my previous diary. It's because I was too busy wasting my time. Never in my entire life have I had 3 months in which nothing has been expected of me, no pressure, whether academic or social, and I intended to make the most of them.

I have been reading a lot. Although mostly I have lied on the bed, there are things that have occupied my mind. I have been learning how to cook. I have been reading books, even those I have no taste for. I have written about them, hoping to make BookTalk videos, and for that, I will learn video editing. Something I didn't pay much heed to is music, although I did accomplish my goal of putting a cover on YouTube. I started learning guitar, but as I've highlighted before, I'm a bit lazy, so I haven't paid attention to theory. I painted some. I researched the publishing industry and spent time learning about agents, queries, and writing techniques. I watched TedTalk videos. I taught myself a bit of calligraphy. One of my poems got published in a book. Two more won cash prizes. I dreamt of more ideas for a story.

Something that I would have liked to do more was meet up with friends, but they were all busy till June because most of them want colleges that require clearing an entrance exam, so they were preparing for that. Even when they were free, though, they didn't want to spend time with me, and I don't know what to make of that. I saw them posting pictures on Instagram, meeting up with each other and their new friends, and all I can draw from that is that maybe my virtual non-existence in the past year has cost me more than I could have imagined.

I feel stupid, knowing that any little thing that I do makes me realize that I haven't done it in a while. I was holed up in my room for so long, even sitting on my favorite couch in the drawing room of my own house felt thrilling. Or, reading a book that genuinely interests me, instead of a book that I'm reading for the purpose of widening my horizons. Or walking home from the Metro station and clicking photos.

I haven't been allowed to go out much till now, so I've started sneaking out to take a walk around the sub-city. It's embarrassing to know that I've spent my whole life in Dwarka but I can't navigate my way around.

What kind of a life was I living? Was I living at all?

Mikki did well in her medical exam. I went over and treated her to burritos, and she told me about this boy that she met in her tuition but who she is too afraid to confess to because of a fear of creating a mess. We all will go separate ways now, who knows how our friendships and romances will end up being?

On a piece of paper, I wrote what all she was anxious about: what if one of us stops liking the other? What if we grow apart? What if I can't be a loving person?

And yes, not showing people that she cares about them is something that she does to the point that people believe she doesn't want them anymore. If she wants to keep people, she needs to show them she loves them. Relationships aren't built on empty words.

Anyway, I told her to talk it out with him. Then I contacted him and ordered him to take her on a coffee date. They sorted it out.

I've never felt more single in my life.

I know she cares about me. But she doesn't interfere in my life too much, doesn't expect or demand things of me, and that is the reason why we gel in together so well. For a while, I did feel like she didn't need me, but now I don't. It's okay.

I guess I, too, need to stop being afraid that I'm not loved anymore.

❄