Pain & PleasureWritten By: Hazel YoungIllustrated By: Alli ArtripInspired By: EveryoneExposition"Pain and Pleasure" was never written to be a book. When I wrote the stories for "Pain and Pleasure", I never had the feeling that I was working towards a book. This was a coping mechanism; a way to release all of my negative energy. When I didn't understand these feelings that were plaguing me. I didn't know if I would survive any night when I was writing. These are raw emotional stories that I can't remember, but I didn't write them for me to read. I wrote them so my closest loved ones and friends could understand me, for others to understand themselves, or for someone in the future who needs to feel less alone. Something for them to hold onto, just in case it was the last thing they had ever gotten from me. A personal poem for others, just to get them to understand and realize there's a light at the end of the tunnel. A random story that may have spawned purely off of nothing, that others could read in the future while thinking about my past. Just in case I got a phone call with sobs and screams of "I can't do this anymore" I would have a poem that resonates with that person so much that it offers them hope. Reassurance that they aren't alone, that they will get back up, and they will be better because of it. I wrote "Pain and Pleasure" on my phone, due to my ability to share with others quickly, just in case. Because of that, punctuation may be misplaced, misused, or nonexistent. These were written as rushed memoirs, my last gift on earth, and when put into the position between putting that last semi-colon on, or letting your best friend see your final words, the actual importance of what needs to be heard, I chose the latter. Although these are memoirs, try to remember your last words aren't always dark, just like your words while living aren't always bright. They just need to reach the surface, for anyone to hear. Read them as you would like to read them, there is no pressure that this subtle pause or lack thereof should put on you. I understand you would like to read as the author intends, but this is what the author intends. Just because there is not a piece of punctuation where you believe there should be, doesn't mean there shouldn't be. I can be wrong about a lot of things, and that's fine. I want this book to be enjoyed by all, as there is at least one poem I believe everyone can relate to. Your beautiful mind is never wrong when reading this book. I left the endings of certain sentences ambiguous, open to your perception on how certain sentences made you feel, grab a pen and go wild if so choose. A period is only a period until you turn it into a question or exclamation mark. I was never working on a book; I was just working on staying alive. Maybe you can relate.PsychoticThe mind of the psychoticThe mentally derangedHis brain is all broken, it must be a shame.Feelings of being isolated and estrangedWe have to help him, "something must change"Everyone yelled, screamed, and exclaimed.They say "how can he harm himself" "that shit just ain't sane".Just give him a blunt; get him high off the chronicNumb his brain so it's not so toxicMake his vision hazy, so he's too complacent to seeThe sad sack of shit that he's starting to be."Give him a bottle or two, and put it back with these pills," they saidTo obtain happiness and glee they pledSo he doesn't realize that the pain he's causing himself, is caused by me.Another layer of your soul has been shedSacrificed and bledBut that's how I stay rich, stay fedThat's how I sleep cozy in my bed.Put this cancer stick in your lungs, hold that shit deepMake him all mellow, until he's counting sheepMay he not realize I'm the demon in his sleep.I'm the one lurking on his happiness, patient to see it seepWaiting for that light to shine in him, and then I leap.Cover it up and snuff it outMake him not hear it scream and shout"I'm right here your happiness awaits"Until he's in his grave and then it's too late."Thoughts and prayers to his unruly, unjust, and timely fate"They write for your gravestone, at their Hollywood estate.And after that is all said and doneThey have gotten paid and had their funThey mutter to themselves and all their close mates"Now to begin the search to make another psychotic feel great."OverdosedFrom the first day, I saw you I knew you were special.Lit a fuse in my heart causing internal sparksLeaving your imprint on me, I'm forever marked.You showed me the light, so now it's not so darkSaved from the flood; you're my Noah's arc.We keep each other safe, it'd be so easy to sinkIn this black water filled with piranhas and sharksYou're my muse, my living breathing artShook me to my core with your beautyWhere do I even start?Crimson red lips, luscious, and soft to the touchGolden long locks draped from your headInfatuated with you, a lot... maybe too muchHourglass figure that will test the sands of timeI am all yours and you're all mineA twinkle in your eyes, I can see it shineYour scent is intoxicating with its allureSkins so clear, with the tightest of poresNo wonder you glow, with a face so pureCleansing my soul, like you were some cureI could become an addict begging for moreOverdosed on love, as I'm in my grave forevermoreSmiling in silence, for the life I enduredBefore you showed upBefore you walked in the door.Shades of MeI want you to have all of meYou think you do, but there's more to see.A palette of colors I contain withinThey're bursting from the seams, waiting to be free"But what will she say once she truly knows me?"I think rationally, become as calm as can beBut then I see a notification on her phone from a man named LeeAn emerald green goblin sprouts from the dirtAs he thinks"who's texting at this time, who am I going to have to hurt""It's probably a cousin, a friend, no lewd man""I don't want to scare her off, she won't understand"I think these thoughts as we lied in bed.But then I took a peak and read"Dinner was fun we should do it again!"I hear them shouting and blurting out demandsAs my built-up anger busted out in a flash.Fiery like a flame from a torchFrustrated at the tiniest instances as he began to thrashIn bed, burning hot, the sheets start to scorch.I glance at her to yell just for someone to hear"But what will she think?" I begin to fear.My eyes began to pace, and my vision isn't clearLavender anxiety begins to spiral this roller coaster down a plethora of what ifsFaster and faster, can't see where he steers."What if I'm the side piece and Lee is her man?""What if I'm doomed to despair, lost with no plan?""What if... I don't know what I don't understand""Oh fuck, take me off this ride I can't do this again".I begin to wallow as rain wept from my eyes"I can't be happy, why can't I realize?""I can't be the only one, there must be more guys""I can't keep doing this, living with so many lies""I mean look at me, is it such a surprise?""What'd I expect, I was scheming at her screen?""I wanted something bad to happen, like a self destructive feign""I can't go back to her after what I've seen".My eyes welt up, as I started to weep"I looked at her messages like some sort of creep""While she's lying there, sound asleep""Oblivious on how she can cut me so deep".She wakes up without making a peepTurned over to wipe the tears from my faceBrought my heart rate down to its normal pace.Just then, her phone buzzed "Bring Hazel next time! I'm sure he'd love this place"She handled the whole spectrum, with such elegance and graceAs my lips began to cover her face like mace.The heat is building, but different from frustrationThis was pure pinks doing, absolute elationLike a freshly plucked rose, sexual.Under the covers, we began getting sensualRolling over in circles, it's perpetual.As the sweat drips, and the moans bellowI see her perfect orchid pink self-rise in her faceOur shades mix so well, forming baby pink, with some rosy cheeks, topped with a faint lace.So passionate, our souls intertwinedOther shades from our spectrum, see where our bodies liedAnd began to rise to the surface as they shined.The anger at myself, with my lust formed an orangeSo radiant, so pent up, releasing this radioactive rage.Soon the passion I have for her, transformed to arctic blueThinking back on how I've internalized and assumed, as she lied there without a clue.Together we made a magnificent magentaSo cool and calm, as I fuck her mentalIcy to the touch, soft and gentle.Her rage comes out finally, due to my lack of trustFor believing she wouldn't choose love over lust.Merging with my magenta making a red as dark as wineMaking me want more as I begin to pineInterconnected, ensuring each other that for now, everything is fine.Repeatedly we create more shadesSo vibrant and bountiful, to would take decades to fadeSplattering the spectrum of colors all on our sheetsMosaic misunderstandings, our finest featPainting the walls with our abstract creationsFor the first time, I have more shades for her to meet!She does understand all of me, and I understand herIn the future, If I think that she will reject my feelings deep withinThe true raw, ethereal emotions built up so pureAlthough they could be complex and corruptLeaving me uneasy and unsureI'll let them out, to let her inShe's my go to cure.Living DeadI see dead ones all around me.As they enter the room, a chill rushes down my spineCrossing the plane of the deceased to walk among this world of mineWary that their true identity will one day shine.You can find these people all over this spaceThey're easy to spot, written all over their face.Behind the mask that proudly took their placeIs this sadness that they cannot truly embrace.Lifeless eyes that resemble a bottomless pitA barren void that was once lit.The shell of what was once a person of joyNow has as much life as a cheap Barbie toy.Constant feeling of being empty and hollowDrinking away the pain as they begin to wallow.Bouncing off every wall in their body is a whispering echoWaiting for its chance to scream and bellow"I'm right here, your chance to feel alive great"Being drowned out by venom and self-hate.All so worried that others can see this depression and despair.That we don't realize, that we all have the same thousand-yard stare.Never open up, or even think to shareWho can relate, who would even care.Would it even help, as I look at this therapist and glare?No one knows when we'll actually perish, only time will tellBut by the way it's going, with the toxic, putrid stench in the airI'm actually excited for HellSurrounded by the fallen who understand that they fell.Forever YoursMake her heart melt, her legs liquefy.Her lips quiver, but never her eyes cry.Her mind ponders, wondering where you just wentHer nose pines, just for your scent.Her eyes wander for you in a clouded room of doom and gloomLooking for this flame so bright, together you were meant...So wipe the tears from under her eyesGive her tissues as she criesNot a second later she will realizeThat you'd be dead if she was to die.Eternally on my mindSouls forever intertwined.You will always be in my heart.Flying high; Feeling fineForever yours; Forever mine.LoveLike the ocean, casting a wall of water into you.As if you were a bluff on the shoreKnocking the air out of your lungs, as you are thrown to the sandy floorEroding your outer shell as it seeped into your coreFor you see you are in love, wrapped up in this one person's allure.The toxic embrace surrounds you, entering every orifice, every poreFrothing from the mouth, an addict begging for moreIntoxicated, from all the love that they pour.Comatose with this feeling, overwhelmed by pure ecstasyCaptivated by the voice who whispered in your ear "pleasure me"Thoughts of true bliss, finally feeling carefree.Lustful love, embedded within one another as the clouds engulf the rainEvery muscle controlled by you; parasitically attached to your brainBut at times we are a singular symbiotic entity; we keep each other sane;Perfectly in sync, as I feel your grief and your pain...As of late, I begin to feel like a task, a choreThe excitement is fleeting as our life is a never-ending boreLike a vixen, you pumped my heart with love and blissOnce plump enough, you plucked this succulent fruit and toreRipped in half; yin became detached from yang forevermore.The gaping crater in my chest widened as we drifted apartSo lost with no guidance, I can't imagine where to startI won't repeat my mistakes, I think as I continued to fall.Love; piercing into you like a speeding bullet out of nowhereThen escaping your body until you feel nothing at all.Lustful Star in the SkyShe's like a gleaming starHer beauty lights up the dark sky around herYet she's so far.This fact alone can be sadBut to me, the fact she exists makes me glad.She illuminates everything around herMaking all much more radiant than it was beforeI beg her to join me down on earth and be mine for sureBut if she did I'd be burnt to a crisp and more.Caught up in her glowing flamesEveryone around the world knows her, due to her fameI have a picture of her in my nightstand in a shimmering frameBut looking at it is not the same.To truly appreciate the magnitude of her majestyYou must accept the one true travesty.That to touch her will make you combustLeaving you into nothing but a pile of dust.But the chance to risk it all to feel her warm embrace is a mustI look at you and I'm engulfed in pure unadulterated lust.CasketAll I do is make art and break heartsLooking into the crowdJust playing my part.Clenching on my left side; Gripping on my right sideTake the yin from the yang; just pull me apartCrack me open and break my shellLook at me please, at least that's a start.Let this beautiful soul out of this eternal hellLooking at me, no one could ever tell.No one can experience your personal shellThey can't just visit, this shell you call hell...Escape from within; fucking shout and yellSomeone will hear you, someone will careVibrating their core; resonating like a beaten bell.Explain your sorrow and your dreadDon't wait until they read your notesBecause by then you'll already be dead.No matter how loud you scream and shoutSix feet under there's no way out.The CaveWhen I see you, my imagination goes rave.Plundering into your mindYou're my own personal cave!I know it's scary but enticing to exploreI don't know what I'll find, but I'll always be pining for more.A dark abyss, the void is endlessContinually excavating, I'll never have a chance to restI understand there's no end but I'll try my best!I want to be the one truly knows youAsk any question about you; not hesitating as I ace this test.It could be dangerous... but I'm up for the task!Each answer paints a story from the number of questions we askEvery erosion and imperfection I find in this cave tells a storyAlbeit It can be alarming, scary, or gory.But it made you who you are, who you want to be, and I know your essence is pureEven if you didn't show me instantly, every cave has a diamond in its coreI could be sifting through shit and run into the demons you keep at bayBut it never surprises me, and helping is never a chore.Especially if it keeps you smiling throughout the dayKeeps your spirits lifted, elevated as you soarFiguring out your cave will be perilous; everyone may think I'm crazy but fuck what they say.I'll keep exploring until my hair turns grayJust to see this pure white phoenix, arise from this pitch black caveYou always knew you could fly, this once dim, broken, Bluejay.The SweaterI was traveling this world long before I took my first breath.Warm and cozy, in a bird sweater long before I had arms to put it onYou had no clue I was there, I was just a tiny messVaccine after vaccine; a badge of honor from each country you blessed!But I wasn't ready, as this medicine that gave you life, pumped from your blood to mineI was less than a speck, who could have ever guessed?You had no clue I was there the whole time...But once you found out you tried your best!At that point it was too late, no one knew if I would be fine"Put it out before it comes out deformed"Everyone said, berating you like a Frankenstein storm.You were strong, independent, and went with your gut"Who cares if he has a Ph.D., why should I give a fuck!"You prayed and prayed that I came out alive, no matter how I lookedEven if I was the ugly duckling, you'd still be the best mother duck!Some call it fate; others call it luckBut I came out perfect! Even with all the goo and the muck...I've grown a lot from the day I was bornA lil more serotonin, a lil less dopamine but who can complain!Everyone has a lil quirk going on; we're still trying to figure out the brain.So complex, how we can laugh in the rain!But on a perfect sunny day, feel every ounce of pain...But that's neither here nor there, no one is the same!That simple fact can be lonely and depressingWith all the drama and thoughts, running through my "broken" brain.No outlet to spew, no way of expressingWould drive any man or woman insane!Bottled up, feeling like there's no point in confessingMoving 100 miles per hour while rapidly switching lanes"STOP... it'll all be ok, I've been through your struggle, I've been through the pain"This sweater reminds me, the one you wore when I wasn't even a thought in your brain.As I grew and grew and all the weight you gainedThis sweater gave you comfort, to nest your little egg, it kept you saneI wear it to remind me that although I may feel alone, feel different but plainEven when I travel the country, by boat or planeI wear this proudly, like a lion to his mane.So although life can be hectic and depressingThis sweater reminds me that I was your first true blessing.SucubbiDepleted and hollow.Reservoirs plentiful with affection and loveHave run dry and shallow.Succubi forced upon me, preying on this shellI'm tapped out, but they continue to follow."I'm empty you can't take more," I say as I fellBuckets upon buckets of affection you've stolen from my well.How could you want more, how can I quench your thirstWhat can I even do to relieve myself of this perpetual hell...You filled me with so much love and affection I thought I would burstBack before your intentions had shifted;Back when you thought of others instead of yourself first;Back before you realized taking is easier than giving;That's when it all shifted.Taking back all that you gave me and moreSucking the love from the years that others have gifted.You released me from your grips when I ran dry and became a boreThen another angel picked me up off the floor.Rejuvenating my springs, that spew liquid love throughout my body!The body you left as dry a desert.The body you left deserted, crumbled and forgotten.Until you realized I was replenished of what you had stolen from meConvincing the one who filled me up to take it away once again."They don't deserve our love, to hell with men""They don't deserve your presence, even as friends""I know him, I know how this ends"So bitter, converting our love to doubtLeading to the pure hatred... What the fuck is this all about?Was it something in your past that made you feel this way?Could I be the reason that this is the path you've led?It could be me, could be him or her but you're right I don't deserve your loveIt could be me...Maybe it'd be better if I was just dead?I can't keep corrupting such gentle, loving womenSo I choose to stay empty, I'll never feel love again.PaintbrushWith this Afro on top of my head, I make art!Dip my entire hair, head, and mind in each color on my paletteBrown as my skin, pink as my lips, red as my heartBlack as my hair and hazel as my eyesI choose what I produce, I rarely paint lies.My imagination runs wild, it practically fliesBright vibrant colors to make it pop;Maybe a dash of glitter to make it shine!This art I produce is neither yours nor mineShow the world, I wouldn't mind.Not everything I make are rainbows and sunshineI paint the reality, all the dirt, all the grimeI just wish, with my mind racing and I had the time.So many thoughts, so many ideas"It'll never be enough." I think, as my heart begins to poundAt one point we'll all end up in the ground.You can't paint, not write, nor singLimited to what we're given, later you won't be able to make a sound...So splatter that thick paint around!Type to your heart's contentBellow until the air evacuates your lungsStrum your guitars, and bang on some drumsWe grow old, no one stays young.The truth hurts, we've all been stung.Distract yourself, no need to sulk!Go out and make the world more beautiful, let your dreams run.ShunnedI wish I could give back a little bit more.But I have no money because I'm poorMy hearts so full! Yet my pockets so emptyThe cries from the world truly tempt me.Of able body, but can't find the time to lend a hand?Day in day out, just simply too busy.Others who wear the same skin, who are just like meStruggling to get by, wondering where their next meal might be.Huddled up on the bench in the parkLaying alone in this world so dark.A helpful hand isn't easy to come by...Before I leave this earth I want to leave my mark!Working to fight for less privileged, not againstTalk to everyone with respect, it's not common courtesyIt's common sense.I do it because I know if roles were reversed, they would do the sameFuck the wealthy who do it for the publicity and the fameMost without food starving to deathSick and freezing, never getting a proper restAbsent of clean water, not knowing if this is their last breathLong and forgotten with no loved onesIsolated from the world, the absolutely shunned.The MindSo many thoughts bouncing aroundHitting each wall, struggling to make a sound.So many ideas, forgotten, lost, never to see the lightRevolutionary innovations, never to be found.So many dreams, trapped in your mind, black as nightNo matter how much they scream, shout, and bite.Worn out and tired, as they fade to blackLost all the will to put up a fight.All because you were too lazy and slackedProcrastination and distraction attackedYou had no motivation to actNow, your amazing ideas, you may never get back.Gone in that beautiful head of yoursBeing unappreciated, abused, and toreTreating this amazing opportunity into some chore?This experience to sit down and simply explore?Your ideas, spewing rich black oil from the floorArt concepts popping up like a creative galoreGorgeous thoughts to utilize and adoreInnovations to change the world forevermore!Pent up in that vast mind waiting to burst.Pining for exposure like the desert's thirstBegging for sweet release, and to see the light of dayDon't keep your dreams at bay!Show the world what you have to say.PushedWhy did I stop talking to you?Well, here it goes.I'd rather push you away then cause you pain.I blot your bright soul like a blood-soaked stainWe try to hold us together, but we drive each other insane.Picking and pulling at one another's brainTweaking and twisting ourselves, something has to change.Suppressed resentment, never to see the light of daySo many words bottled up that we should just fucking say.But it's pointless, what would that accomplish?It won't cause me to stay.We've been drifting apart for some timeBeing held together, by some invisible piece of twinePulling to our heart's contentJust to reconnect.Massive ships that we try to yank back togetherNo matter the mass that tries to stop usNo matter the waves holding us backWhen really it could be so simple, an easy fixLet go.Maybe we must sail around the world to be brought backThe passion is there, it's the love that we lack.The MirrorThis dusty old mirror I find myself staring at.What is this distorted image that's reflected?I don't recognize myself, that can't be meI am not detected.My true self has been underappreciated and neglectedA pillar of sadness, torment deep within is erected.Stepped on, pummeled, and driven into the dirtLooked down on myself with such pity, utterly disrespectedLeft there, discarded and forgotten, I'm too numb to hurtAll I do is embrace it and wallowThis comfy shell I reside in is so damn hollow.This mirror on the wall, with this broken image I must shatterThrough self-love, I must tell myself I matter.I begin to strike the glass, as it began to crumbleShards start to scatter, disperse and tumbleMy knuckles so raw and bloodyEach devastating blow, covering this mirror with a unique cherry splatterBursting through my skin like a needle to a bladder."What was I even thinking?" My flesh is so fragile; covered in cutsI wonder as my mind fills with doubt; the desire to quit"Now I'm mutilated and sinking deeper into this rut.""This won't help you'll never be shit.""Pick up that piece and plunge it in your wrist."I start to think maybe, they're right and this is itI'm self-destructive, maybe I deserve to rot in this pit.But the faintest of voice whispering ever so gently"Give it all you got, just one more hit"My hand traveling at the mirror with all my massI can see all my imperfections, it's driving me madFour walls of reflectionWhat else am I to do in this room made of glass?Trapped; fueled by the regrets of my past.I break free from this prison at lastMy soul can finally shineExplore this beautiful world of mine!Never to be trapped again, not this time...Long AgoI left you, so long agoBut why do I feel so low?I can smell you on my shirtIs this why I feel so hurt?You seeped into me, your scents in my fabricI clench and squeeze myself, pining for the fragrance to burstWould it help if I lit on fire, with me still in it?Maybe dig up a grave and cover it with dirt.You've been dead to me, I shouldn't be sadI shouldn't be steaming, blistering madYou just didn't understand what you had.I should be happy, glad, and so should you!Although you crushed me, maybe it was for the best.I learned from it, maybe it was one holy testI still remember watching anime as you laid on my chest.You had a key to my heart, you weren't just a guestBut you stole from me, just like rest.I was so vulnerable when you found me, I should've guessedYou fucked my best friend, you should have confessed.I fucked your best friend, I should have confessed.I guess we're even now, can we go back to bed?If I asked, you'd just leave me on read.Pumping me filled with sorrow and dreadCementing in the depression, until I really wished I was dead.You said you loved me, that's what you fucking said.After I was over you, you still begged and pled...I've regrown the skin I once shed.I'm reborn, this is where I'll growWork on myself until I glowRadiating everything around me, until I'm rid of this snowI've been freezing but I'm done with the cold.The FighterNot much of a fighter.I love and care a lot!I'm more of a writerDon't get me wrong I have fought.But what I've fought for was peaceful in its essenceI just wanted to make the world a little brighterMake people feel as if they just packed a bowl and ignited their lighterMake everyone's view better, open their eyes, give them sightI'll probably fail but wouldn't it be tight?A world dedicated to progress and prosperity;Strive towards love and longevity!Instead were obsessed with hatred and envy."Oh I'd love to help you but what would it get me?"Without thinking "if this silver spoon wasn't shoved so far in my ass where would I be?"I could be panhandling on the street with no energyJust like this bum I just saw, watching him beg and pleadThat could be me.Ignored him as if he was nothing because there's nothing to see.I need this money to buy this 12 dollar teaI drink half and dump out the restWalk by him again, and look at his box of a nestHis home, his estate, all he has, in this world so great.This world filled with pollutionToo lazy, content, and complacent to try any solutionWe distract ourselves to forget, it's become an ignorant institution.Driving our ecosystem down the shitter as fast as our polluting carsNot many realize, our demise is not too far.We start these trivial wars over oilWhoever kills the most people get the spoilsForcing the "good for nothing bums" to fight for their country and not this worldTo prove that they're eternally loyal.Our past is repeating itself since we set the bar so lowYou can't see the end but one day it will showWhen that happens we'll be wishing we did moreOpen your eyes and don't ignore.Running BackHow do I end back here with you?It's like clockwork, this game that we playI text you, or you call me out of the blueWe talk about a shitty situation or our bullshit day...You come over in your pajamas around twoWith so much to discuss, so much to sayComfortable and cozy, as the sandman grewIt's too late for you to leave now, so you decide to stayAnd just like that, you came into my life anew.Sleeping next to me, your warmth is so comfortingMy open arms grab you in, I invite you back into my heartDays go by and we play the friends with benefits partBut that's just the startWe vibe together, so how can this end badlyYou're the paint to my brush; together we make artSometimes well muddy the water and fuck up the visionBut no matter what, it's ours, even with our shitty precision.Your girls always give you shit for coming back"You deserve better, that dude is wack"They're not wrong, I've hurt you before.Just to protect you, because... sometimes I lackYou drive me crazy, my psyche couldn't handle all the attacksBut it'll be different now... now that you're back.As of late, we've gotten much closer, almost to the point of no returnI nearly said "I love you"These three little words will always burnSaid countless times, just thinking about it makes my stomach churn."I love you," I say, hesitant to release this bomb onto youBut you said it back, just like beforeMending the broken, ripped, feelings I had in the pastAbused, mistreated, and tore.I don't know if we'll keep making the same mistakes, no one's sureThere's still so much of you that I want to exploreSo many stories to tell you, as the whiskey you pourI just pray you don't leave me again, please don't walk out of that door.But if you do you'll be backYou live in my coreBegging for you to come homeYou hear it, always coming back for more.The PuzzleI'm a two thousand piece puzzle with ten thousand pieces.Slowly putting each piece into placeEach day, forming a handful of pairsRacking my head wondering which piece goes where.There's just too many, all I can do is stareSo overwhelming I'm barely gasping for air...Rushing through this puzzle?I would never dare.That's when I know I need to take a step backAnger and frustration won't help what I lackI take a much-needed break from this perplexing taskGo for a walk, look at the starsAdmire the beauty, as it shines from afarI wonder if they realize how stunning they are.Piecing together this puzzle as I enjoy my lifeNot letting it consume me, or cause me much strifeBalance is necessary or you'll go insane.Not able to complete this puzzle with a fucked up brainDon't let it stress you or weigh you down like a ball and chainCausing unwanted torment and pain.Appreciate the journey, and all the knowledge you'll gain...Years go by and your puzzle is nearly complete!Your greatest achievement, your finest featBut then you realize your unfortunate defeat.Pieces missing with nothing to fit these holesIt was rigged from the beginning, there was no obtainable goal.I'll never be complete, with these pieces missing from my soulThe happiness I sought was fiction, it was all fakeI feel broken, yet I continue to break.Sulking in self-pity and hateMy life is over, it's too lateI found out the secret to everyone's fate...This knowledge alone is too much to burdenIn my box, grab the pills so I can make it certainPop two, then four, then six, then eightEnough to make me happy, just so I feel great.I begin to close my eyes and drift off to sleepSink into my bed as I start to weepDeath is approaching, just waiting for it to leapBut I'm robbed of even that, rescued before I could count my sheepThinking they know it all but I know the truth...Revived from my death bed, that's when it all shifted.My guardian angel, that God bestowed upon meWrapped in blue scrubs, she was giftedDoing what no one else could completeFrom the depths of the abyss, my broken soul she lifted.I jumped on this chance, as I asked her to go out with meA dead man with a simple plea... butTo my surprise, she agreed!My heart welt up with glee!That's how I met her, and I finally felt free...Months go by, and we're happy as can beBut bewildered, as I can't comprehend what I see.Her puzzle with holes in them... just like mine?How was she ok? How was she fine?Her puzzle's not complete but she continued to shineBrought my better half overAlong with the puzzle that I swore off for so long.Maybe I was mistaken?Maybe I had it all wrong.Set them down as we each exploredSearching wildly, getting discouraged more and more...Then it all came together as this hole looks like I've seen it beforeFrantically dumping all the thousands of extras on the floorThen I saw it, one of her missing pieces with me this whole time.We searched our piles of extras, filling in each other's gapsOne by one, piecing together this puzzle with such a perfect essenceWe are finally whole, we just needed each other's presence.VenomVenomous snake constricting my neckAs the air gets harder to breatheYou lunged for the jugularYou sunk your teeth.My vision is blurry, as I struggle to seeTighter and tighter as you coiled around meMaking sure I couldn't moveI couldn't break free.My body began to numb, as you secreted your venomAnd it coursed thru my veinsFeeling it seeping into my heart and my brain.I collapsed as my arms grew heavier and I became weakerWeighed me down with these balls and chainsHow many have you made endure this pain?Are they all special?Are they all the same.Do you feel bad, maybe an ounce of shame?Is this fun for you?Am I some toy in your game?It must be easySince you don't even know my name.Just another soul to add to your body countYou start with the neckSo we can't scream or shout.Like deflating a balloon, you let the air outI've been defeated, I'll concedeJust finish me off and do the deedI won't beg nor will I pleadI'll just close my eyes, and begin to sleep.Extension CordPanicked and confused as I run to my roomTrembling and shaking as I await my doomThere's no going back to the way life was in the pastLooking around, there has to be something I can do.I have some pillsAll this broken glassI see the solution, it will all be over soon.I don't care if it is painless or fastIt'll have to do, I just want this day to be my last.I rip this long orange extension cord from the wallNot waiting for another second to process what's happening at allFinally at that moment, since my future is nonexistentThe descent stops here, I can't continue to fall.I've always planned for this to happen, I knew this day would comeYet I had no notes written and no one to call.Who would even answer? A few maybe someBut who wants to hear the last words from their broken son.It's better if I leave everyone in the darkI couldn't muster the words anywayI couldn't bear to hear the sobs and begging"You have so much to live for please stay"Because then I might actually believe themI just can't keep this up another dayMy fate is sealed, no matter what they say.Everyone thinks I'm a monster, maybe they're rightI need to be punished, I need to pay.I'm done arguing, I'm too weak to fightI can't change their mind when they can't even stand to have me in their sightMy flame grows dimThey finally snuffed out my light.Constructing the noose as I've practiced time and time beforeBy my hands, I knew I would perishI was worryingly sure.May it be from pills in my bottle or the poison I consumeA bullet to my brain from the gun in my drawerPossibly in a hospital, as they pulled the plugI just pictured my loved ones being the ones to pull itTo say one final, "I love you" comforting me with deaths hugYet I'm alone.Making a noose from this orange extension cord.CareThere's a question I ask myself every nightWhen I run out of steam, lose the will to fightHow many people will show up to pay respects?If tonight was the night, that death took away my light.As a 6-foot grave is being dugWho will grip to the casket?Who will give me one final hug?Who cares enough that they want to see me off?"Oh, Hazel died?"They say as they shrugged and cough.Who won't go but will weep to themselves all hours before they sleepWhen the lights are shut off, pitch black, so my ghost can't even see.I'm ashamed to say I'd be elated if someone cried over meAll the strangers I've possibly touched with my airy smileBeing told "he died so young", they may cry for a while.I want an ocean of tears from everyone who cared"The great hazel waters" made from salty, yet gorgeous tears.From every endearing encounter I've sharedEmotions displayed as everyone just staredOut in the open, my thoughts are so bare.I lay in bed just picturing the perfect funeral, far in my future.I can't wait to see, how many people truly care.Let GoMy eyes never wander, they're only for youYet anxiety and trust issues ensue.I would remove my vision and give it tooLet you look through my eyes; show you what I seeMy priceless artifact, one of a kind masterpiece, you are my muse.Yet I can't crack your thick shell.Scars, scabs, and calluses built from your treacherous pastPlease just let me inI will make sure that I am your last.Abused with a plethora of lies, always uneasy and unsureI get why you can't gift me your trust, you're insecureBut insecurities don't define us, what we can beYou deserve so much moreHow can you know I won't tear away the love I douse you with?How can you be positive... You can't but fuck no one's sure!Dazed and confused with no hope of a cureThe only thing I grasp is my love for you is pure.The ones who plagued your life are probably healthy and happySo what are you holding onto them for.Will you let go once I kneel down to propose?Will you let go once we bring life into this world?Will you let go after we endure decades of highs and lows?Or will you take this to our grave.Poisoning the ground where we're buriedOur final resting place, not even allowing the flowers above to grow.Eye ContactKnots formed in my stomach when I see your gazeAnxiety ensues, practically written all over my faceBut I get lost in your eyes, with no way out of this mazeEntranced by their complexity, your stare is laced.I have your attention, that means the worldYou could be looking anywhere, but you chose this place."But why, what does she see?"I thought as my heart began to race.The suns setting, but her hazel eyes are locked onto mineI want to look away, but I'm trapped in her glowThe twinkle and sparkle of her eyes are brighter than the suns' shine."Is there something she wants, something I need to show"I can't be the one she's sought after, but she continues to pineMy anxiety festers and grows.Why can't I just enjoy this pause in time..?Not a single word was said, but somehow I feel fineI can tell what she's thinking, I'm connected to her mindI've never felt closer, as our glares intertwinedBut my eyes grow heavy and dryDon't even want to blink, I'm too scared to tryBut blinking is normal.I'm just too damn shy."Why does she want me?" She could get any other guy.Take one final breathe, and release a big sighI won't over think it, I'll just get lost in her radiant hazel eyes.The HouseI started off as a weathered, broken down house.Chipped paint, vines running down my sidesGarden meant for flowers, but instead, weeds reside.Glass covers the floors as people broke inOtherwise, I am vacant, not a person nor a soul would dare enter insideHouse filled with horrors...Considering all the bloodshed and sinsMay not tell from the outside, but they're demons within.Thick scents of sulfur, accompanied by walls marked with clawsCreeping in the shadows, with their bloodshot eyes and malicious grinsPetrified in fear, trembling in awe.I'm a worn down house, worthless waste of spaceBut even with these apparent defects, this woman couldn't see any deficiency, no flaws...Each "problem" had a solution, as she improved the placeTore down my spiraling vines, rolled on a fresh coat of paintPulling out the weeds to put vibrant flowers, bursting with grace!Tirelessly working, looking like she might faintDoing God's work, as holy as a saint.Exterior primed to perfection, but the demons are lurkingFrothing to drive her away, our love being brokenShe try's to kill them with kindness and affection, and its actually working!"You matter to someone""You're not a piece of shit""The world deserves to see your shine, come out of that corner you sit."This once hell of a house is now pristine!All thanks to this one woman, and the dedication she bringsI wait for her to lay her sweet head in me, finally give her a shoulder to leanGive her security and safety, show all the love and gratitude I canBut then she leaves, never to return.I look fine but I'm starting to feel broken again...A woman from years ago stops by and sees my freshly renovated bodyBewildered by how much I have grown, with all the progress that came alongWe grow closer and closer but it feels all wrong"Why did she put all this work to make me better and just disappear?""What could have possibly scared away the woman with no fear?""Helping me to battle my demons and turn on my lights?""Will I never be good enough, why didn't she stay and fight?""How could I still be wrong, when everything felt so right."The questions still run through my head, but not everything needs an answerShe set myself straight, helped me regain my sightSo although I cant explain why, I owe her everything, she made my future so brightAlthough I've built a life with anotherWhite picket fence, and so much love for the pets that we smotherI hope to see the handy woman who made me the stable, confident, vibrant house I knew I could beThe one who opened my doorsThe one who set me free.The ArtistDepressing people make the best artBut fuck at what cost?Constantly feeling uncomfortable and lostNever satisfied in their own skinDestroying their liver with the vodka and gin.Chugging on the dark and clearSo drunk that they can barely steerNumbing the painSo drunk that they can barely hearSnorting anything, instantly to the brainDrowning out the voices that they fearSo faded they can't tell if that's tears or the rain.But fuck dealing with that sorrowJust do that shit tomorrowYou're sad and your proud!Scream that shit so loud!But only in your head.When you're actually thinking you should be deadWhen you just really just wish you were in bed...But instead you're on this stagePerforming for this screaming crowdSinging your heart and soul out about your rageYelling encore and we want more.Never satisfied or complacentNever full but feeling so emptyBut maybe others love and affectionMight just be the remedy.FavoritesHow can someone have a favorite?I wondered while looking off a cliff, as the sun began to setBewildered by the beauty of the clashing colors of this one viewThe yellow star in the sky, the green on the treesThe white puffy clouds, dancing across the sky so blueHow can you pick a favorite, how could you even choose?When capturing this spectrum of refracted light is bigger than me and youInfinite possibilities to choose from, as the divine shades fuseAnd then a new shade has been born a new.How can someone have a favorite?I wondered dazzled by all the fruit on this luscious green earthFrom the decomposing leaves and dead animals sprouts sustenance from the dirt!Supple sweet fruits, crisp and ripeCrunchy green veggies layered the groundSo calm and serene as they don't make a soundFrom their death, we are offered lifeAs I pierce their skin with my razor sharp knife.Nourish our body with health and longevityThey can't comprehend what this meal truly meant to me.How can someone have a favorite?I wondered aimlessly wandering around this librarySo much literature I began to become waryThere's not enough time in the world to read it allHow do I pick when my list grows so tall.This library is a minuscule wealth of knowledge that this world has to offerYou'd need a book just to write down all the authorsThe trees oh so divine, gave their life to please our kindSo we can waste our time forming these words on these lines!It'd be disrespectful to say that this is a favorite of mine.Blood sweat and tears of every author went into each pageTaking breathe out of their lungs as they began to slowly age.How can someone have a favorite?I wondered as I scrolled through a playlist, cascading with songsEach and everyone is perfect, you can't go wrongThey each tell a story, no matter short nor long.Music for all to hear, or specifically made for just your earTapping into your emotions, with each feeling so purePerplexed by the vibrations of each musician allureHow can someone have a favorite?I wondered encapsulated by all the art in this museumThe artist's emotion forever portrayed in every brush strokeSculpted in marble to try the tests of timeI'm simply content that I can live now to appreciate its complexityBetwixt along with the girl next to meI ask her "How'd we get so lucky to be in awe of such masterpieces"She replied "I guess it was just truly meant to be"How can someone have a favorite?DisappointmentA little below averageA little below adequateFor you seeI am a disappointment.But only in my eyes, for the love people give meI believe it is better deserved elsewhereThey try to get me to accept it, but I can'tFor you see I am a disappointment.At least that's what I tell myselfAs to not raise my internal bar to achieve greaterBecause that success is great, but the failure I can't tempt.So I choose not to tryFor you see, I am a disappointment.Yet I am contentAs I know that I control this feelingI am the ruler of the dissatisfaction within meSo when I want to, I will shine as I'm meant to beI'll use all the love, support, and affection over the years people have lentBut for now, I am a disappointment.Mourning"I'll always be watching from above the starsNo matter how distant, no matter how farPeering through the clouds, to brighten your day"Fuck, there's still so much I wanted to say.I loved you and now you're gone, so brittle and greyBut I've come to realize that that's okayBecause in your grave, I know you layI can visit whenever, I know where you stay.In the future, I'll get my second chance to say what I need to sayRemind you how warm you made me feelTo exclaim how the love I gave you was so real.Although your departure cut me like a sword made from steelGod needed his angel to dine with him at his next meal.Your stories filled me with wonder and dreamsI would return the favor by filling you with youth as you burst from the seamsSmiling ear to ear radiating love and joyAs you watched me from your rocking chair and admired me playing with my toy.You brought excitement to every inch of my beingI still see you when I'm dreamingAlthough I know I'm in agony right nowYou'll be with me every step of the way; believing is not seeing.You reside in my heart, I am your second homeAnd that fact makes me confident I'll never be alone.My DemonAm I a good person?I ask myself as I stare at the blood covering my palmsTrembling ever so slightly as the warm viscous blood drips Watching it fall ever so gently, so calmCreating a pool of blood on the hardwood floorAlthough facetious I can almost feel it more.Seeing thru my tear soaked eyesAll the pain and the gore.Fire and brimstone, with a hint of sulfur fills my nosePumping thru the room as if it's attached to a hoseWhen I'm smiling, where do my demons go.When they're not plaguing my mind, tormenting and teasing me from withinReminding me of my behavior; all my sinsI picture them gleaming with their fat fucking grins.Ripping away chunks of myself, leaving gorging holesAs they tear and tore these pieces from my soul.Am I a good person?Maybe to some, even to mostI picture all the smiles I've caused, all the laughs because of meThe blood begins to thin and dissipateAll the emotions I've drawn out, making people feel greatBrightening their mood with just my presenceMaybe in my core, there's light to my essence.I put up this facade that engulfs the light beneathI realize now I'm the key to my griefThe demons are made up of all this guiltFeeding off of me like a calf to its mother's milk.I look in the mirror and all I can seeIs my reflection looking back grinning at mePeeking from atop my head, are two horns bright and blistering redI rip them off no matter what the demons saidMy hands grew dirty once again.As my scalp began to drip and I bledI think back about how I've done this beforeHave this epiphany and like clockwork take this evil skin off and shed.But this malicious natures always comes backThis time I'm done for good, I'll make sure of thatI'll make sure this demon doesn't bother me anymoreAs I look at this pill bottle I think "I finally found the cure."But what of the people who believe me to have light in my core...Although this could end this vicious cycleStriving towards feelings of being pureI must find a way to endureFor the people I loveLove me back and that's for sure.Addiction and AbuseFilled up my lungs with the poison you seepConsistently in my dreams as I fall asleepEndorphins shoot off all around my brainSafe to say I'm addicted to your abuseI'm addicted to the pain.Give me lashes on my backLeaving me with scars, drawing blood seeping from every inch and crackI'll always return to you for moreBecause loving you isn't a chore.As soon as I step thru that doorYour chilly embrace drags me deeper with your allureI should run and hide from the bruises you ensureEroding my spirit like the ocean on a rocky shore.You ripped me up, you tear and you toreBut I put myself together, from the carnage you causedI'll never be the same as I was before.You covered my pure white glow, making sure I wouldn't shineIf I figured out how good I was, you wouldn't be forever mineYou can't let that happen, I'm your favorite toyYou smile from ear to earAs you suffocate my joy.You smashed me to the ground; put me in the mudAnd I felt warmth so I just dugIt was the closest thing I'd ever feel to hug.Chain and ball strapped to both legsTendons slashed so I can never runIf I were able to, it would ruin all your funMy family doesn't recognize the person I've become.I look in the mirror and think "oh, what a shame"I'll never be whole, I'll never be the sameI'll always be crazy, infatuated with the insaneAll because I'm addicted to the pain.The TempleBrick by brick she builds her templeCarefully crafting her fortress of solitudeNot letting in a male, nor dudeShe's snuggled in this cocoon of ruby rockNever to hatch as the butterfly she was meant to be.She wraps chains around herself accompanied with a clasping metal lockSwallowing the key, making it impossible to move.She fills her beautiful temple with concrete all the way up to her neckJust enough air to breathe so she's not pronounced deadCannot move her body or her headJust how she likes it, wanting to be dead.Airtight sealed, making sure she doesn't let in that dreadQuarantined from emotion, as she encapsulates her space with leadThis is her home now, her cozy little bed.Watching her wither, decompose, and waste awayYou think to yourself, as you place the last brick to lay"If only you kept your distance and stayed away."You caused this, trapping her with no escapeAs you closed her in taking away her shapeHiding her away from the world she once knew.You stole her freedom as she stared at youLifeless eyes not wanting you to leaveThe pain she endures is too much to grieve.Not a single tear is shed from her weary tear ductsLooking at you like she doesn't give a fuck"She deserved this for opening up"Your mind thinks because you're so fucked up.You walk away for a final timeNot looking back at your crimeNever to return, not this time.A stranger sees the poor woman"What monster would enact this plan"He removes brick by brickRevealing the chains that were meant to stickHe sees the lock as he began to get sickTo unlock this woman from her terrible shit.He gets out a chisel and a hammerAnd carves out the masterpiece from withinDusts off the rock from beneath her chinAs the broken woman collapses in your armsYou hug her tightly to make sure she doesn't fallYou give her your love, not some but all.You nurse her to health, until she's back on her feetProtecting her closely as she began to sleepOnce she's well enough you'll continue to shower her with affectionEvery inch of you, every section.Releasing her from her temple of miseryRemembering that day for as long as you're feeling meSpreading her wings as she began to flyThis beautiful butterfly and her prince of a guy.Truly happy as they were meant to be...But once this well of love began to run dryThe tears he began to cryShe sought out more than he could possibly giveSo she ventured out for another guyShe was caught, he was broken as she began to lieTaking away all his feelings, as he began to die.Brick by brick he builds his templeNever again to let in the lightWill never love again, his future doesn't look so brightWon't wiggle away, doesn't put up a fightHis happiness was snuffed out and is nowhere in sight.Better Than the RestAll I ever hear is deprecating motivationRunning thru my head, rushing me like the oceanDrowning all my other thoughts and emotions.Be the best, don't try your bestThat's not how you accomplish your goals of success.Study hard, or you won't ace this testBleed more, go further, farther than the rest.I don't care that you're exhaustedSleep is for the weak, even if you're a mess.I see that you're looking stressed, but that's no excuseFigure out your demons later, strive for more never less.Give it your all!Even though your all will never be enoughGo through your life in one big rushFuck the roses and all the flowers in the meadowI'll leave them on your grave for you to smell then.But for now, you must achieve greater, accomplish moreYou must want to succeed more than you want to breatheYour loved ones won't accept you unless you achieve.Never give up, this shits all we gotAt least that's what I tell myself as I'm pouring this shot.Crushing me like a boulder, the feeling of being nothing that I'm notI'll never be greater, so why even try?I think as I lay in my bed, watching myself rotIt gets lonely at the top, so I might as well just stopFloating like a balloon, rising to the summit, begging to be popped.Eternal PeaceOne day my time will come.Could be next month, or next yearI don't know when but I'm as sure as the sunOn this day I am forced to run.Sprint away from all and not someBecause of the problems caused when I was having funIt finally caught up to me, like a bullet shot from a gun.Piercing my skin through my heart and bonesAnd on that day, I'll call heaven my home...Unless the scales of fate sway from the good to the badIn which case I'll be a tad sad but mostly gladYou see, I had to have deserved itMaybe I'll feel comfortable, just finally fit.I sit in my cell, deep down in hellIn the fiery pits with all the deranged, too late to be fixedI sit there, content instead of madMaybe I can do some good in this sea of bad.I can fix the truly lost!Even if my soul being with the devil is the costMy purpose on earth might as well be goneSo I start to sing to the forgotten, this eerie dreary song.Hopefully, my voice reconnects what was once misplacedTheir feeling that they choose not to wear on their faceAnd I find myself wondering this thought"I think for once I truly found my place."I iron out their souls; not leaving one creaseThis is how I choose to spend my eternal peace.GamesAll these games we play with each other.When I've never felt this way about anotherI wish I didn't care as much as I doBut I could see you being my kids' mother.I could see us raising a litter of sisters and brothersYet we play these childish games halting us from growingI just want to give you all my love, suffocate you and smotherI'm typically happy but my depression is showingWatching you deflect and curve all of my effortsSnuffing out our flame before it has a chance to glowAre you afraid of the reality of what could be?Now that I'm not ignoring you, and I'm ready to be one?Because I can't seem to decipher what the fuck is wrong with me.I'd like to look through your eyes, witness my actionsWitness what the fuck I'm doing wrong, what do you see?Do I come on too strong? Intimidated by my emotions?Pent up inside of my emotionless exterior is a profound amount of depthI put on this front but I do feel.You punctured my shell with your steely glareMaking all of my unused, stagnant, emotions become realAn explosive burst all onto you, but maybe I truly did suffocate you.Back to back textsThings I wouldn't do to my ex or my nextThe ones who begged for that type of affectionBut you, you just want sex.Maybe it's me, maybe I'll get bored of you tooI don't know how to do this, but you make me feel less blueI don't want to rip out a flower before it had a chance to bloom.Tweety's SongLittle yellow hummingbirdStrawberry kissed and so beautiful in every form of the wordEncapsulated so densely in such a bright little creatureIs the woman that I seek after in hopes to one day meet her.As the days go by, bewildered by this animals sightI begin to notice her inner struggle; internal fightFeelings of the melancholy shroud over her like a stormy cloudSo discouraged her breathtaking voice is not as loud.The bright strawberry blonde feathers that once covered her wingsBegin to discolor into a shade of dark blueAlong with the sadness that it bringsAs the color drains from this once vibrant birdThe energy she once had, shifts to something that makes me perturbed.Pondering what has caused this slow descent into depressionI ask the bird what is the source of this downward progressionShe whistles and flutters her dim little wingsBut I couldn't understand a damn thing!Both confused and utterly discouragedThe sad little bird began to sing.This melody was eerie and soft, constructed of heartbreakI now understood this bird is suffering from heartacheSo I whistle along to match her notesAnd she flaps her wings as she starts to floatKey after key, were perfectly in syncShe sings the high notes and I strive to match her pitchHer wings start to change from blue back blondeGlimmering, shining and blindingly rich.She whistles louder and louder, it's all In my earsTo the point where the moon may have developed to hearAnd just as the song was reaching its peakThere was this blinding burst of light.I tried to avert my eyes but was gasping at its allureAnd as this light began to fade and I became sureI screamed, "what the fuck it's actually her!"From this little hummingbird that I spent admiring its essenceIs the woman I was searching for standing in my presence.Bitches in BlueFuck the bitches in blue.Beating my kind until they're black and blueUntil you can't tell if he's looking at me or you.So disfigured and broken they can't add two and twoConcussions, contusions, contortionsBroken bones and broken willSo much blood that we spill.An unsalvageable brain that was so ravagedSo much berating and beatings from the back of the gun like a fucking savage.Can't even walk, and my motor skills will never be salvagedYou stripped me of the safety and freedom, you took an oath to protectTarnished it because I showed you the littlest of respectThe same respect that has been given to me in the past.It's not fair to attach you to him, fineBut we're not the only ones to use this blanket statement we cast.Degrading me with your accusations that were made at first glanceJust saw my skin and made these judgments remarkably fastIt's no wonder the men who've sworn in are the ones we trust last.One day may we live in a society where words are shedInstead of this red soaked T-shirt that we once bledSeeing the barrel of the gun pointed right at my headRight before my eyes cut to black and my face douse in redThis pavement that I once walked on is now covered in leadWhere my warm blood meets the cool concreteWhere "the savior of society" puts me to bedMy mother's eyes will forever weepBut me, I will not make a peepFor you see, I have been sentenced to this eternal sleep.This Eternal MomentI look into her eyes, getting lost without my mapWatch them flutter as she began to napBut my only thought to myself in the pure moment of blissIs I hope this is it.Like a song on the radio, just play thisFor any other feelings are hit and missWe fued and fightWe lust not loveBut in moments as serene as theseThese moments right here are the ones I choose to seizeThis instance makes all our fights seem sillyAnd like water in July, evaporate instantly.This right here makes the tears shed dryMakes the nights when she lay in bed and cryTissue after tissue, this right here makes it not an issueIf you'd ever leave, I'd have this momentSo although I'll be heartbroken and feel deep sorrow and blueYou can guarantee I will forever cherish youAnd there's no doubt the love I felt will ever let me forgetyouI just hope that I get to see you at the pearly gates, waiting for me very soon.The Straight JacketIn a padded room, wall to wall pure as snowIn a white fluffy cloud, this is where the insane people goWhen they see your true self, this room they will showWhen you can't descend any further, you've reached your low.3 pills a day, that is your supperThey make you complacent, your downers and uppersRefuse them, they will make you suffer.They take away your thoughts, you're left with white noiseJust unending static, no service in your mindThey say this feeling is perfectly fineYou're finally normal, one pill at a time!As if being different and depressed is a cardinal crime.That's why you put your mask on and liedDon't let them see your darkness, you must hideYou have no one to talk to, no one to confideNo one to help you get off this suicidal ride.All alone, ensuring you can't make a riff or a racketAs you give yourself one last hug, in your pure white straight jacket."Blessed"What if God is just putting me through some testI'm trying to go through the motions and I'm highly depressedNo matter the pills I pop and what I put in my lungsI'm increasingly stressedI have no job and my life is a messBut somehow, someway, I'm one of the blessed.In this godforsaken world, some people have lessLess to eat, less to drinkLess shelter and shadeMaking them blister colors of red and pink.Less money to spendAnd yet we have no love to send.Volunteer and donationsLet's help this world as a collective nation.No more ignorance and warNo more bloodshed and goreNo more broken families that we toreCrying all night while her baby boys on tour.Taking lives from this floating ball of landWhen does the pain finally end?How do we fix something that is built to breakWhat actions must we takeWhat changes do need to makeDeadbeat dad left his children to suffer this heartacheMaybe god is just a fucking fake.MineI just want to be yours, and make you mineTogether our bodies and souls intertwineRough around the edges covered by dark-colored grimeI want to wipe it all away and make you shine!Provoking these emotions I never knew I hadMaking me ponder, as I explore the inner sanctions of your mindHow could you wander into my life, it must be a sign.I'm not very religious, but it has to be fateWe've been scrambling in the dark; blind and afraidBut ever since we locked eyes, the light awaits.Together well go down in history as one of the greatsShow you off to my family and all of my matesTravel around the globe, as we share our many dates...Once our youth begins to dwindle and fadeWe'll set up shop somewhere near the shadeWhere our first beautiful child will be madeThe best parts of me, and the better parts of youA twinkle in his eyes, basking at this world anew.BrokenYou want to fix me but who's broken?It's not me, you must be misspokenWet as can be, as the tears soaked inMixing the vodka with the wine and gin.I'm drunk a bit much but who's not?I like my bottles in a large and a lot.Maybe pop a pill with that third double shotSee me as what I am, not what I'm notA log that wants to be left alone to rot.You want to fix me but who's broken?Suffocating in despair, alive but I'm chokingIt's not my fault that my happiness was stolen.Now I find my joy in these blunts I'm rollingAll these drugs twinkle in my eyes as I put them all inI'll show you how broken I am, as I engulf myself in sinHow deep can I go, how the fuck am I still falling.You want to fix me but who's broken?Maybe it's you, maybe you're projectingPretending to know it all, but you need the protectionYou've got your own shit, you just want me as a distractionYou know it's true, so quit acting.You want to fix me but who's broken?Put up these walls, because the sadness is waitingBusting down these bricks, banging and beratingStripping away the pebbles as it started gratingUntil this pristine fortress started fading...I want you to fix me, but you can'tThrow me out like a pair glasses, with the lenses crackedBecause you can't even fucking seeWhat you want from me, is something that I lack.Don't waste your energy on me it's pointlessPlease just give it a restHere's your gold star, you tried your bestNo matter what you do I'll always be depressed.The BluejayBluejay who flew into the crevasse where my heart use to resideNestled in my chest, as your soft pastel feathers liedAs the nest you built from nothing but dreams, twisted, tangled, and tiedWith me forever, never to leave my sideSafe and protected, within me you confide.Together we strive to soar over the ocean and kiss the skyDining on cotton candy clouds as we began to fly!Ascending closer to the sun, to better appreciate the warm embraceBathing in it's luminous, glowing, golden graceHigh enough to see each crater on the moon in spaceOr hitch a ride on a comet as it takes us to another place.Travel every inch of this floating ball of massFrom the snowy peaks of the mountains and the plains covered with grassTo the depth of the oceans, clear as glass.Visiting this diverse animal kingdom as we admire each oneEtched in my mind, captivating and so gorgeousEverything feeding of the rays of the sunWatching as they thrive and flourish.But what dawned on me removes the wind from wingsFor what life bestows upon you, one day death bringsYour future snuffed out like a flame from a candleThe thought alone is too much too handleAnguish flooded my face as my thoughts continued to wander.That time nears, the harbinger of death awaitsInescapable truth, it is everyone's fateWe are doomed right from birthAs soon as we breathe in that crisp air from earth.I began to pray to anyone listening, on my hands and knees as I started to begMy silent shouts were heard from heaven aboveAs my elderly blue jay just laid three beautiful eggs.My LoveMy love for you just wasn't enoughYou needed more like an addict needs a huffBut once I ran dryYou got your last puffYou tossed me to the side with the rest of your worthless things, I'm just stuff.Satiating your fixes, easing your moodsGiving you an unfathomable high from my love you usedYou could have had weed or boozeBut I'm the one you want, I'm the one you choose.You stuck me in your pipe and burnt me to ashDrank me until I was empty, until I had nothing left to loseLeft in an instant, gone in a flashBut why do you care? You have a phone filled with me'sAn unending stash.Making sure you never come down from your highYou'll never crash.You'd rather be the user then the used; I get itBeing abused in your past, now you go repeat that shitHeartless and hollow, just an empty pit.But you found a way to cope, something to fill your holeTry as you will, it'll never truly fitCope as you will, but you will never feel wholeThese foreign objects entering the space where your heart used to resideWill always fade, no matter the countless times you triedBut you knew this from the start, you need something realYou've got to open yourself up, allow yourself to feel.DrunkI keep getting these weird notes in my phoneAlways around 1 am when I'm drinking aloneI always try to write beautiful poemsBut they always have such a dark tone.Who writes these calls for help?"I'm so depressed" was the name of oneBut I'm drunk and happy!How could I not be having fun?It couldn't have been me, my smiles is as bright as the sunI have so much going for me!I don't want to blow my brains out with a gun.I black out when I drink, but I know I couldn't have written thatSo many solemn words on this page were spat.But where's this person who wrote them?Where is he at.Is this who I am when I'm inebriatedOr is this just... who I truly amDoes the alcohol melt away the walls and the gateTo let out this sad sack of shit who's experienced so much hate?Can I change or has this always been my fate?I hate this feeling, I just want to feel great.But I can't fight off these thoughts when I'm drunkI'm disoriented and confused as they start to berateThey take advantage of me so easilyScreaming "you're not shit" as they began to rapeTaking away my confidence, my shapeI'll never be whole again, not even with tape.Even if I kick all the drugs I snortAll the weed I smokeMy happiness will still come up short.No matter what meds I'm onAll the poison I consumeMy old self is goneLocked in some room.ThoughtsWhen bottled up in the depths of your mindOnce released to the world your thoughts begin to shineTake a life of their own, become more realVividly shown to the outside, so divine.When they're out you can't say everything is fineThoughts of suicide, regressed and suppressedEating you from the inside out, escaping from withinEverything that you're too ashamed, and fearful to confessSecrets of your treacherous actions and sinsSome underlying feeling of being depressedUtterly hopeless; catatonically stressedTelling everyone you're trying your bestBut deep down you know you're the reason your life is a mess.You always want more!But settle for less.Once seen by the light of day there is no hidingYou must face your demons and start fightingKeeping this poison inside will eviscerate your coreFind someone you trust, someone you can confide in.Lay all that shit out in the middle of the floorWhatever's on your mind, all the blood and the goreOnce tangible, your thoughts become less scaryTalking it out will bring you some clarityYou don't have a say a word, I just need some to hearEven if I'm just talking to myself, as my reflection just stares at me.RushWhenever life puts me down a little lowerAs the weight of my emotions begin to squeeze and crushI become irate, impatient; extremely flushI black out from my heart racing in such a rush.Everything around me becomes hazy, it's all just a blurI become sloppy as I trip and fallI can't paint a poem with my words, to encapsulate the pictureI don't know what to do or who to callI can't take the pressure of it all.If I fail will these words that I write mean less?Did all the hard work I put myself through mean nothingAll the nights up late, crafting while catatonically depressed?I just want to sleep forever, I can't take this stressBut I must prove them wrong, all of those who doubtedMy family would be so proud and impressedI'd walk around in suits so lavishly dressedI'll just have to endure my life in shambles and disarrayI'll have more time later to clean up this mess.Hopefully, I won't have to rush anymore, turn my mind off for a dayForget about work and focus on playWishful thinking but not impossibleI just want people to care about what I have to say.DyedYou changed from the last time I saw youYou look happier; less blueYou dyed your hair, it matches your moodIt might have even grown an inch or two.Void of our past life, but that's okWe were bound to drift apart, as we held that match and melted the glue.Our pot filled with passionate emotions and feelings has run dryIt's now a bland cold bowl of stew.You just couldn't be my girl, you deserve a better guyWe held each other down when we were meant to flyBut I did help you branch out and become less shyI should have been more honest, but I did love you.I hope you know that? That wasn't a lie.I was the first with the tissues and the chocolates when you weptEven if it was the littlest things, I hated to see you cryYou held me tight in your arms when I was restlessEven when I was coughing and sneezing, you were willing to die.But feelings faded, we both just felt lessToo busy, but in need of constant affection, I fucking swear we triedWe're strong enough to stay friends after some time has passedChildish for us to think some feelings won't lastWe'll bounce back to our truly cheery selvesI hope you're somewhere in my life, next time we won't give up as fastWe're different, better, we won't repeat the past.The ObsessionI hit that wall, I can't pursueMy hands are shaking, I have no idea what to doI'm so wound up, nicotine doesn't even calm my stressI'm an addict for my art, I confess.Producing through these words that I writeIs the one thing I rely on, I'm obsessed.I can't keep myself from you, no matter how hard I fightI write when I'm happy, bored, just depressed.When I'm falling into the abyss that is my mind, writing ignites that flame to make it brightI can't keep these feelings pent up and regressedThey must escape my mind, bursting with bountiful light.Even when I'm feeling troubled, tormented, and pressedCreating makes everything all right.I'll always crave for more, never lessStaying up all hours of the nightPerfecting my craft, explore what I have to sayBecause soon someone will read it and I'll make their day.I use all that is around me as my museWhen I'm lost, stuck, and confusedTake a piece of a melody, I mix in my voiceCreating something differently artistic, as I fuse.I look at the world around meJust to capture its beauty, so that moment I never lose.Encapsulate what I take in, that's what I useSo although I hit that wall, I can't pursueI'm a feign for my passion, with the thoughts that I spewI absolutely obsessed, this is the life I choose.Love Letters-To ______"Tell me one thing please?""Did your feelings for me change""Reluctant at first I put you to ease""Played with your hair as you grabbed me and squeezed""Took care of you when you sneezed""I'll admit I was a handful, it wasn't always a breeze""But you always found a way to make me smile""In the kitchen cooking a grilled cheese""Walking around shirtless like such a tease""You opened up to me, I cracked your shell""I know you were broken and been through hell""You told me stories just to have someone to tell""You picked me up, from all the times that I fell""So quiet and beautiful, like a broken bell""So much to say, but you rarely make a sound""Hidden from the world, but you, I found""Trying to get you to ring, as I bang and pound""But all you said was put me in the ground""But you were meant to make the world more bright""Hearing your art, made me want to stay and fight""But for you, I was just one candle for the millions you wanted to light""You're always anxious and wound up so tight""Knots in your stomach like a tangled ass kite""I want to fix you but you like being broken""It helps you produces for others, as the pain you're always holding""Once you've reached the ears of the many you can enjoy that release""Maybe take a day to just find peace""Clean your soul of all the dirt and grease""But for now just tell me please""From the beginning of our journey from since we met""Did your feelings ever change, like the cycle of a dwindling sunset"...-To _____"I controlled them because I knew we couldn't be more""My heart was ripped, abused, and tore""I can't keep doing this, I'm just too sore""My emotions are limited, they're such a damn chore""Although I would like to have them shower me like rain in a downpour""Appreciate this spectrum of joy, lust, excitement, and more""One day it all ends the same, you'll get hurt and walk out the door""Even if you think we're solid and stable""This is the fate of knowing me, that's for sure""I can't corrupt another, so many lovers so pure""I'm broken, and you can't be my cure""Your aroma took me in with your intoxicating allure""Like an addict, I pined for you but we can't give in""To all of our unadulterated lust, all of the sins""Even with our hearts filled and mouths with full grins""We have to slow down, we can't go through this again""All of the heartbreak and the pain""Been cheated on twice and it all hurt the same""You're a good girl and this is such a shame""Although my feelings changed the outcome remains"-Love____FollowerIt's been 5 years now since you began to follow meAttaching to me like a wolf to a sheepYou picked up my aroma, that's when you started the huntUnbeknownst to me, I was being stalked, you were waiting to leap.I felt your presence one day so I began to runThat just made you want me more, the chase is part of the funI start to panic, hyperventilate, vision getting dazyMy mind is flustered, clustered, hazy.I can't even remember why I was runningThis made me run faster.With my motor skills so impaired, and my chest ready to burstThis malicious imp caught me, fucking bastardEveryone around me tried to save me, but that just grew his thirstSkilled beast, we weren't his first.He takes out our minds and contorts itAlways feeling like a disappointment, utterly worthlessAlways feeling scared like a child in this vast worldUtterly helplessAlways feeling unwanted, unloved, like a dirty pestAlways feeling disorganized, scattered, my life is a fucking mess.How do I rid this toxin altering my brainHow can you expel something you can't seeHow does something unseen cause so my pain.Why is this thing tormenting me, what is he playing at?Is this all some sort of sick, twisted, game?!Not just to me but others are starting to feel the same.I'm starting to spread this plague, making all my loved ones sick and illI'm the start of something evil, menacing, I'm patient zeroI have to exercise this demon, this wickedness I must killThen the pain will stop, my loved ones will be saved, and I'll be a hero.I come to the realization that he's inside me, as long as I breathe he will tooThere's only one thing I can do, I think while staring at these pillsPrescribed to me to make him tame and chillBut I can't let him exist still.Even if I must be a martyrI can't let this go any fartherI think back to the first day you caught my scentSo obsessed with my aroma, my joyful allureMy heart filled with happiness and purpose, I was so pure.One drop of your dull venom entering my pool of serenityAnd I knew that was the end of me.I splashed and splashed but that made it worseSpreading throughout the water, like blood attracting the sharksSeeping into my pores, I was then cursed.Coursing through my veins, this ink, so darkThe day I was truly depressedIf I could start over I would have panicked lessContained the impurity, make it regressBreathe and acknowledge your presenceMaking sure not to let it's muddy my essenceTake a step back, out of my pool of blissPurify it later with meditation, not trying to fight it with my balled up fistDon't run from the darkness, acknowledge itUnderstand where's it's coming fromWhat triggered this?Find the source, look withinSo next time when your demons are expelling sinThe sharks are circles and splashing their finsYou can look at them with a simple unworried grin.BreatheIt's just words and thoughts.They pass like a fish downstreamJust distract yourself from the all screamsHear from a distanceDon't let them overwhelm you.Revel in your ignoranceThey're like a drifting cloudSlowing passing byJust don't let them get too loud.Don't get too attached to themThese malicious leeches attaching themselves to youAs you're floating down the NileSurrounded by denialSucking out every ounce of serenity you once had.Not every one of these thoughts are logicalThe amount of sadistic, self-hating, maniacal thoughts burrowing into your mind is astrologicalOnce these vultures have their talons into you spiral, it's pathological."Hmm, I wonder what that barista thought of me?""Oh shit did I wear makeup, will he see?""This must be why I'm so unliked, unloved, lonely""I need to work out, maybe hit the bathroom with these two digits""No what the hell, why do I feel like shit".Just breathe, the decent is swift and fastBut as quick as it comes, it doesn't lastDon't freak out, this will all passNo one can look into your thoughts, like seeing through a glass.Your mind is a steel door that only you enterIf someone's in there, they're meant thereSo remember to acknowledge your thoughts but don't ignoreI know it's hard, and quite the choreMaybe even meditate although it's a boreBut you may enjoy it, as silence and serenity calls you with their allureLay back, relax, this is the cure.Porcelain ThroneI see the clock about to change noonIt's teasing me, it's been 11:59 for 5 minutes but I know it's coming soonMy anxiety spikes, as my demise loomsI hear the bell ring, as my heart drops like a nuke.Pack my notebooks, backpack, and pencils, as I hurry out of the roomWalk down the hallway, the stares and glares make me want to puke.I'm panicking, my eyes darting around as I feel the dread and doomI feel high, disconnected, depersonalized, dissociated like I'm high on a shroom.I see the doorway to my sanctuaryThe not so clean, not so sanitary.This is where I run to, when I want to be aloneIt's so cozy in here, like a home away from homePull out my lunch, and I'm ready to goI have my pants down on my porcelain throne.Looking at my memes, and the YouTube videos I have stored on my phoneTrying to convince myself there's nothing wrong, I'm just a lone wolfThen someone walks in and I tense up like a stone.Why do I do this?Just go out and make friendsIt's not that hard, you already have a lotBut the way they look at me, like they have a gun and I'm about to get shotI should just stay in here, this is my prison to rot.Every day for the longest thirty minutes everThis is what I get for tripping so bad after smoking too much potHow was everyone not scared, skittish, about everything in sight?Do some just fight instead of a more logical approach of flight?But maybe it's good I fly, like a kiteSo high in the sky, I don't have to deal with people right?My thirty minutes are up, walking out into the hallway so brightSay what's up to my "friends" asking where I was."You know just ditching in the park"I can't let them know how I am, anxious and darkI can't let them know that I check my phone every 5 secs out of fear of recognition.I don't even fucking have service in this hellI feel like a robot with the constant repetition.I will always reside in my shellI'm on my own, with no one to tellI keep fucking falling but I already fell...I've endured about 3 years in my comfy porcelain palaceLearned some meditation tips, drank more water and took fewer sipsI can chill in my car now! And that's normal I guessI've got a long way to go but I've gotten farAt least my car is clean! Somewhere to go when I'm stressed.I don't eat anywhere too populated, just in the libraryI've pinpointed my triggers and this is much less scaryI'm still talking a little less, but I'm less weary.Sometimes I'll actually reply to a text instead of stareI don't feel like I'm eye to eye with a wild bearStuck in headlights like a deerI've learned eye contact isn't really a fearI still don't feel like people care but who needs them to?It's just life, and that shits not fairI'm on the track team, and working out a lot!I'm out of the angst and hatred phaseCan't remember the last time my mom and I fought.She sacrificed so much for my broken assShe's lenient and gave me more passes than a quarterbackShe gives me a reason to live, when life starts to lackWhen my mind berates me, attack after attack.I sleep more and it gives me some slackI'm not over analyzing, I'm still quiet but not as shyI'm not perfect, still some gears missingNot the most social, but the least I can do is try!I run to the bathroom when I'm having trouble breathingBut no matter how much I feel like I'm about to dieI always remember, my blood will keep pumpingI never forget, my heart will keep bumpinSeasonalSummer come sooner, cover me with your sunny embraceI can almost feel the wind so warmThe dazzling sun coat my faceSurround me as if I'm in the dirt, cozy like a wormDon't need to use my fireplaceNor do I want these blankets on me in my dorm.Lately, you've been sad, storm after stormPent up depression as you swell up your once pure cloudsInto something black, darkness being formed.Bottled up anger building as your clap your vicious thunder so loudIt's calming to know that something as gorgeous and eternal as youMust be going through the things I worry aboutGet so stressed I scream and shoutBut I can't hear my voice, you drown me out.Sleeping in the eye of your temper tantrum can trigger euphoriaAs you shake the earth with your golden lightning boltsRocking my bed, like a baby in a cribCharging me up with every jolt.Rainy days inside reading books as you water my gardenHydrating them ensuring, you didn't dry out the dirt they call homeBut sooner or later the clouds will have their luminous white glowAs they begin to part, the sunshine will start to showA vibrant palette of colors will stretch across the skyGifting us for enduring through your angst, with a rainbow.Running the same cycle, your highs and your lowsI will always appreciate whatever you have for us, whatever you throwExcept for the white powder that you call snow.The EnemyThe solider in the penNever to see his friends againSay farewell to your parentsJust in case you won't see them again.You're trapped here, you must serve your countryYou signed up to protect, you signed up to defendPierce your "enemies" with the bullets you send"What's right and wrong anymore?"You think as your morals blendYou're not breaking the rules, it's just a little bendTaking human life, as you hear the screams of menTwo, four, six, eight, tenStripped from this earth never to returnYou can't look at yourself anymore, no one can.As you released rounds upon rounds ammunition, watching homes burnAs you raided and pillagedPulling men away from their families and villagesAs you defiled and plunderedWatching homes drown in blood and go under.Casualties of children because they were the "enemies" spawnFrightened and scared, like a baby fawnOne shot between their eyes; then they're gone.Their bright eyes filled with life snuffed out like thatToo young and innocent they didn't realize they were being attackedHe could have been a future soldier so you did great!Eliminate the threat before it was too late.He wouldn't have been the first doctor to cure cancerOr solved the world's biggest answerHe's a despicable child of the "enemy".Nothing good can come from thatEven if he would have been a friend to me.Rear View MirrorI find myself looking outside of my rear view mirrorBarely looking forward making it hard to steerSince it already occurred there's nothing to fearCan't be startled by what's in front, you say as you barely miss that deer.Startled me slightly, but I'm focused on the pastSwerving through traffic not going too fastjust hoping this ride isn't my last.Cruise control, almost like I'm on autopilotSurrounded by music, as I simply breathe and sitGoing with the motions being at the wheelHearing all the tunesWondering how it made me feelDazed and confusedThis doesn't feel quite real.Switch gears back to the present, just not focusing aheadTurn my attention to my left looking at the beaches allureBaffled at what I missed when I passed this before.Visually awing, as I beg for moreSeeing the waves crashing on the shore.Smelling the salty embrace of the crystal clear waterSeeing the ocean blue skyThe clouds that are her daughter...Colorful sunset paints my rear view mirrorAs it stretched across the vast skySeeing a flock of birds, as they soar and flyNot wanting this to end, I never want to die.But no matter what I do; no matter what I tryIt's inevitable, we all just passBut let's not dwell on the future, nor live in the past.Even when I'm eventually doomed to crashIt happened in an instant, as my life began to flashAs we're doomed to die, admiring the past.DreamsDo dreams come true?For someone like me or youFor the not so happyFor the blue.Who's to say?It's your life you must pick and chooseIf you try do you really lose?Chase your dreams, not the boozeWake up from you're imaginary dreamsSooner or later you'll have to, so don't hit that snooze.I know it's cozy to stay stagnant and complacentJust make sure to only embrace itYour real dreams are out there waiting to be chasedDon't let them beat you, keep your pace!Sacrifice what you're willing to sacrificeSlivers of your sanity that you'll have to slicePut your heart into it, pay whatever price.Don't be obsessed, infatuated, or consumed by itYou can take a breather to just sit.Find peace in your dreamsGive a piece of yourself to your goalsLet your dreams give a piece back to make you whole.It's a bumpy road so enjoy the journey!The destination will come in time, you'll get what you deserve, what you've earnedOnce that's all said and done, it's your turn.Go teach your wisdom of success to those who are willing to learn!They'll cherish you and what you gave, even after you've passedAs they sit in all black and begin to mourn."His"We're all made in "his image"Maybe "he's" not such a good picture.What I see is a world separatedHell even some homes are dividedSome have no one to confide inMom and dad always fighting.Searching for positivity but there's nothing to findCould even be going through internal grief in your own mindPeople are so ruthless to the ones that are kind.Shouldn't "his" image bring us together like some sort of bind?Trying to help them see the venom they spewBut some insist on being blind.This is the time you come in right?This is your cueChange the pallet your painting with because we're all feeling blue.You're omniscient so I know you knewMaybe he'll be back in a century or twoIn the past "his" presence was known, at least in the book"His" voice had you trembling and shookThe last thing we remember are the sins "his" son took.Nailed with a thorn crown to the crossEnduring our grief and strifeBut now we're once again lost.Maybe "he" truly gave up his lifeNot to be selfish but talk to your wifeThis world needs another sacrifice.Once every 2000 years may sufficeWell praise you more as if you're a snake and we're the miceWe're just lowly parasites, in your hair full of liceJust please come back, be kind, be nice.We want your love, with all this hateCome back right fucking now, this is no debateMake us feel whole, make us feel great.We're killing each other in the streets, your reflection is fadingDo it before your images are all dead and it's too lateWhy are you waiting?You're a fucked up "guy", to doom us with this grim fate.Your PartThey always tell you to play your partBerating in my mind like a bullet to the brainWhat's the point of writing? You won't get paid for "art".Who wants to read your depression shit, no one cares about your painDon't follow your heartJust get an office job so you're trapped like me.Drag this 8-5 shift like a ball and chainDon't shoot for the stars, you're not oneCollege is where your heart should aimBe identical to others, you're one in the sameConform to the rules, until you can't recognize your name.Make your parents proud, don't bring them any shameDo you really think you're good enough for all the glory and fame?I know you have dreams but put it in checkOnce you fail, give up, keep your dreams mild and tame.Just got to bed if you want to follow themBut wake up to reality, because you're not a gem.You can't handle the pressure that it takes to be a diamondAll the blood sweat and tears, you have to put some time in.You're just a lazy lump of coalWith little ambition and no goalsAll you do is get high and rollEven if it brightens your mindEven if it makes you shineChange your way of life, your very essence of beingIt's childish and a waste of timeYou should try mine.SunsetThe sun began to setFilled with sorrow; so much regretHow'd it go bad so fast, that I'll never getI just wish I could find the words, I'm just too upset.Remember that first day we first met?It was maybe a month or two agoWent girl to girl, I was a hoI was all fucked up, I was so lowI couldn't even tell, how was I supposed to know?You can't see what lies beneath the surfaceUnless you dig from within, it'll never showOnce revealed it could fester and grow.Unless you take it one step at a time with someone you trustFilled with so much passion and lustSo much pain and penanceA bottle a day used to be a must.I was minuscule, like some finely fresh dustBut from the ashes, rises a phoenix!Cutting off what plagued me like an amputeeStarting with the drugs and sexDistractions in my mindLike a notification or a textMediation in the morning is keyOpen up your third eye to help you seeMaybe one day, self-love and prosperity you'll achieveThe sun, it sets so fastBut I find joy knowing it won't be the last.Journey For LoveYou can probably get anyoneShoot for the stars and the sunWhy would you stay if you're not having fun?Do you like to be shunned?Are you trapped, can you run?You deserve that constant attentionLike a student in detentionYou deserve constant affectionLike a baby muttering his first sentence.This sad doesn't last for long, only you can prevent itHe said he loved you, you don't know if he meant itYour time is valuable, try not to spend it.At least don't waste itDon't be the chaser be the chasedMake him pine for you like it was some sort of raceDon't take the abuse, put him in his placeThis is your life, your domain, your space.Wipe the tears from your faceYou're wonderful, bursting with graceDon't be glum sugar plumSome people don't deserve your love, that's just dumbDon't drink until your numbDon't mix the pills with the rumReach out, venture in this journeyOn the search for love, you'll find some.Three Little DotsThe tension built up in three little dotsWatching them dance on my screen, pulsatingThey're in my head, strictly beratingTeasing me, what is she sayingHow long is this message, what the hell is she playing.I just dumped my heart and soul out in one message so it must be greatI can't wait to read it, Ignoring everything so I'm not lateI need to eat soon but it's coming any second, minute... hour.Ok the dots disappeared but they'll be backHyped up on adrenaline, once it comes thru I'll have a heart attack.I need to shower but this is much more urgentIt's about to come thru, the message she sentI can't believe I put it all on the table, I just wanted to vent.A carefully crafted message that took five minutes maxI proofread, revised, peer-edited, one message in five minutes maxFuck I just need to unwind and relax.Take a much need nap, as I haven't slept in a whileBut I was restless, uneasy, as my thoughts began to pileMaybe she died mid text because it was so long?Maybe I freaked her out, how could I be so wrong?Wake up in a cold sweatGrab my phone, it's calling me in like a sirens songHoly shit theirs a notification!It's just my power billNothing from her still.I should pay that but I'm already investedMy patience is limited and being testedI do the unthinkable and double text herI got the dots back as I began to stare.Maybe she'll respond, if she cares?I don't even know how long I've waitedWatching these dots torturing me, as they pulsatedPlaying with my emotions like some toyI'm just another guy, one of her many boys.I walk away, far awayNo phone, aimlessly drivingI've stayed stagnant for too long, I just can't stay.I'm done waiting and prayingShe'll respond later, I'm not gonna beg herGo clear my mind for what felt like hoursReturn home to take a showerPut on my pajamas ready for bedCheck my phone one last timeAnd she responded 3 hours ago! I open to see what she said"Lmao ikr I'm dead"Put her on do not disturb, then left her on read.Wrong TurnI know where I'm goingI have the directions on my phoneNearly impossible to stray from this pathThis path I set on my own.To get out of my own way, running from my own wrathOn this journey to venture the world outside of my home.It's vast and beautiful, so many sights to see!My hand out the window, riding the air, next to the open blue seaTapping my steering wheel, truly living carefreeTaking the time to truly think about me...Finding my desires, my needsAlways knowing I needed to achieve greater,Always knowing I needed moreAs my loved ones would tell me and beat it in my coreFeeling trapped in my skin since I was four.I could always see through the charades, all the poison you'd pourJust trying to protect me, or protect yourselves who knows.Spending time with my loving family felt as if it was always a choreMy heart residing in two places, you all wouldn't let goThe eldest, shining, blessing from God as you watched him glow.Dreading Christmas at the thought of being toreHad to put on a brave face, my true colors I could never showYou each wanted what's best for me, which made me hate myself more.What kind of selfish son, turns down all of this love galore?Don't you realize how good you have it, with all the starving and the truly poor?I did... I do, which is why I never thought I deserved this love anymore.I don't know where I'm going.And even with these directions on my phoneI just need all these voices to stop, on this path I must take alone.I just hope one day, with all the wrong turns I takeI can finally feel settled, just anywhere to call home.Read 4:37 amI feel as if there's a stigma about writing out your feelings in society today, especially in a poetic manner, due to the fact that the greats like Shakespeare are strived for. That is what we were taught and many then believe that to write stories or poems, you must be a certain level of proper. I believe certain cadences just aren't needed as much in this evolving era! Of course it adds a layer of intellect to the author, but if it discourages others to write, I will happily appear uneducated. Writing is an art form, an expression that knows no limits! As long as you're saying what you feel it's difficult to go wrong. I wholeheartedly believe everyone has the capacity to utilize writing in their arsenal of coping. Just think back to the blocks of text messages you sent to someone in your past. No matter if you were furious, upset, happy, confused, you tapped into the beautiful mind of yours and spewed out raw emotions onto whoever drew that passion out of you. Hopefully reading "Pain and Pleasure", and knowing that it was entirely written on my phone, inspires you to air out any poison you may have bubbling up inside of you! I understand sharing can be tough sometimes but if you need a confidant, to lay your multitude of emotions onto, @Hazeung on Instagram! Or if youre having a rough time or just want to donate or do both my number is 4144055669. Blow me up! With a bazooka hopefully.
