Pen to Paper [N.H.]

Chapter Five: Influence - Back

'Please don't be Clo! Please don't be Clo! Please don't be Clo!' I repeat to myself.

'Marty! Thank god!'

'What?'

'I thought you were Clo! Come on in!'

'Is it bad if it was Chloe? Didn't you just came back with her from your trip to Ireland?'

'Yeah... about that...'

'What did you do?' He sighs.

I hesitated but I caught him up with all the shit that I did.

'Wow. I'm really trying hard not to punch you right now! I can't believe you ditched her just like that.'

'It's for the best.'

'Yeah keep telling yourself that.'

'What am I supposed to do? Keep shutting up this voice in my head telling me I'm gonna end up hurting her, breaking her, until it eventually wins and does that? No, I'm cutting it off from the start. I already let it go too far. We just grew a lot closer there. And I guess because I was so close to home, I just felt safer, I reverted back to the person I was all those years ago, the guy who falls in love too hard too fast. The one who doesn't hurt people and break them. I let her get closer to me. I let it go too far. But the trip ended. And I remembered who I am. So I had to let her go.'

'Can you stop that! It's not who you are! What happened to Maya was not your fault! You're not the monster you're picturing in your mind.'

'She almost died, Marty! How is that not my fault!'

'No one should be driving while being that drunk! It's on her!'

'The only reason she was that drunk is because I broke her heart!'

'Her irresponsibility is not your fault! Stop blaming yourself! She doesn't... She never did! We went through that a year ago! Why are you going back to that place now?'

'Because I'm Fucking In Love With Her!'

'Who Maya?'

'NO! Chloe!'

'So?'

'So! It will happen again if I let it go too far!'

'Niall... you can't think like that. It's not the same thing. Chloe is not Maya. She's not as easily influenced, she doesn't try to fit in. She's a logical well-balanced person. Well from what you told me anyway.'

'I can't take that risk. I'm not risking putting her in danger. Maybe I'm being crazy, maybe I'm wrong. But right now it's all I can think of.'

'But you still have to see her, you're still working on the book together. How will you avoid getting close? Not that I think you should.'

'I'll tell her that it was a mistake, that I don't have any feelings for her. And that we should just stick to writing the book.'

'Wow. You really want her to hate you.'

'It's better than her loving me and not understanding why I'm pushing her away.'

'Have you considered actually telling her the truth? If her presence in your life has been that good. Maybe she could help you get over what happened. I mean think about it. You only get this bad when she's not around.'

'I'm not telling her anything. Can we just drop it? I'm not changing my mind.'

'Fine. Just know I'm there if you ever need to talk about it.'

'Thank you. I'd rather not to be honest.'

That night, I hesitantly turn my phone back on. Expecting loads of texts from Clo, missed calls, voice messages, anything. I'm actually a bit disappointed that I didn't find anything. Is she okay? Is she back in London yet? Is she mad at me? Why hasn't she tried to contact me? Is she giving me the silent treatment? I have to know.

'Got to London okay?' I quickly text her before I change my mind.

'Yeah, she's fine.'

'She?'

'This is her best friend.'

'Oh okay. Why isn't she answering her own phone?'

'I don't know, why did you ditch her in a hotel room in Ireland?'

'Something came up. I already told her this.'

'Sorry about her. Cat took my phone away. I'm fine thanks for asking.'

'I really am sorry for leaving like I did.'

'I'm sure you had your reasons.'

'I did.'

'Ok. Well. I gotta go. Bye.'

'Bye'

Well. Safe to say she's mad. And her friends are mad. But at least she replied. What am I doing?