Make it all go away

Loss

Dean slowly walked Sam over to the bed for him to sit down on to try and make it easier to comfort him. Dean sat down behind him and cradled Sam in his arms whilst rocking him back and forth just as he had done a year ago. It broke Dean's heart to know that nothing had changed since then, he still couldn't help Sam defeat his demons, and still had no real idea what was going on in his younger brothers head.

Once they'd finally settled on the bed, Dean could feel Sam slowly start to relax slightly at the feeling of the familiar setting. Dean was comforted as Sam slowly slowed his breathing and began to relax into Dean more.

Suddenly Sam starts sniffling in Dean's arms, it was only when Dean move away from Sam's body slightly did he see he was crying. He was trying to talk, to tell Dean something, but it just wasn't coming.

"Hey Sammy, don't worry about it, if you don't want to talk about it now it's okay, it's fine we can talk about it another time it's okay Sam"

"No...Dean." Sam was choking on some of his words but Dean could tell he was going to tell him something whether Dean tried to stop him or not, "I-I didn't mean to upset you, I just had to get a-away. He was in my head again, he was back." Sam didn't need to say a name, Dean knew exactly who he meant. Lucifer. "He wouldn't go away, he just wouldn't shut up, I didn't know what to do. I know I'd used pain before to get rid of him before. I-I didn't want to do it Dean but I had to. I couldn't stand it any longer, you don't understand what it's like Dean, having him in your head non-stop. He never shuts up."

Dean knew he should be shocked, but honestly he wasn't. He knew something like this was bound to happen when Sam stopped taking what he used before. He held Sam close as he continued to cry, and yet again Dean was completely helpless as of how to help Sam.

Sam knew Dean was trying to understand, he really did, but Sam knew Dean could never truly understand what Sam was going through. He didn't understand that every time Sam tried to sleep, Lucifer was there. He didn't understand that every time Sam was awake, Lucifer was there. He didn't understand that every time Sam tried to think, Lucifer was there. He just didn't understand. Having the devil in your head 24 hours a day is enough to make anyone crazy, and slowly but surely Sam was realizing he was well on his way.

He sat on his bed looking over at Dean. He must have fallen asleep after his panic attack last night, and Dean, being the good brother than he is, probably stayed awake until he was sure Sam was asleep. Although, of course, Sam didn't feel at all rested when he had woken up, it was the same as it always was, Lucifer screaming at him all night, tormenting him, and trying to convince him he was living in his own personal hell. Of course, by now Sam didn't need convincing. He knew where he was was real, but he also knew it was his own hell. Having the devil trapped inside your head, can create a living hell out of pretty much any life, and one Sam never wanted to lead in the first place was no problem to do that do. Sam only enjoyed hunts now because they gave him a sense of clarity, a moment away from Lucifer. Sam knew he wouldn't want to watch as him and Dean slaughtered his children, so he hunted, he killed the demons, and he had peace. That was, until Lucifer came back and gave him an earful for killing his children. It was an endless cycle of hell, and Sam just wanted out.

It was always there, Lucifer never failed to remind Sam that there was just one quick and easy way out of it all. In the beginning, Sam was adamant he would always say no, he could never just give up like that, it wasn't the Winchester way. But now, now he just wasn't sure he even knew what the Winchester way was anymore. He'd gone so far off the reservation so many times now, there was barely anything left of the real Sam Winchester.

Sam hated seeing himself like this, he hated even thinking of himself like this, but there was just nothing he could do anymore. Lucifer had won, he'd finally broken Sam Winchester.

That wasn't the worst part though, it was the fact that Sam knew he was broken now, and simply saw himself as a broken piece of the puzzle that had been his life.

He knew Dean could see it too, how messed up and broken Sam was. He was a mere shell of the man he'd once been, the man he would have hoped to become. Sam knew he'd let Dean down, hell his brother had practically raised him. He'd always taught him to never give up without a fight, and Sam had stuck to that, and he knew he would stick to that until his dying breath. But he just couldn't go on anymore. He'd fought, god had he fought. He'd tried everything he could think of to win this fight, but how do you beat something that's inside you without destroying it.

So it was then that Sam decided. He got up and with a shaky hand he started writing.

Dean,

I know we've gone through this before, but there's a difference this time. I'm not running away because I think you don't care about me, I'm leaving because I don't have any other choice. I've tried so hard Dean, I really have. But, I just can't take it anymore, my head just feels like it's on fire all the time, and it breaks my heart for you to have to see my like this. I can't let you keep having to try to save me, when I can't even save myself.

You've been the best big brother I could ever have asked for. You were more of a dad to me than dad ever was, and more than that, you've always been my best friend. The one person I could always turn to, no matter how tough the times got. You were always there for me Dean, always.

I know I'll never be able to repay you for all the good that you've brought to my life, and all I can say is I'm sorry we won't get the chance to grow old together. Because that's all I ever really wanted Dean, I wanted to be with you, have my big brother at my side until the day I died.

I'm sorry for quitting, I really am , but when there's nothing left to do, when there's no way you can possibly win a battle, you always taught me to accept defeat graciously, so that's what I'm doing. I admit, Lucifer was one hell of an opponent, but in the end he always wins.

More than anything Dean, I'll miss you. I'll miss the silly jokes you make when the situation gets too tough. I'll miss the silly smiles you have when you're trying to charm a girl into bed with you. I'll miss the groggy expression you have when I have to wake you up after your too little hours of sleep. I'll miss the way you love the Impala so much. I'll miss your eyes, and the way they always lit up when I walked in the room. I'll miss you looking after me when I was ill. I'll miss the way you used to sneak me out to places dad would never take me. I'll miss the way you calm me down, in a way only you know how. I'll miss you.

So this is it, the end of the Winchester Brothers, the Dynamic Duo, the Dream team. I'm sorry for letting you down Dean, but this is the only way I can bear to go before I go completely insane. I know the best memories you'll have of me were before all this happened, before hell, before Ruby, before dad. Hell, I don't even remember who I was back then, but you do, and I know that's the guy you always wanted me to be, so maybe that's the Sam you'll remember. The real Sam

So to end this letter, there's just one more thing to say,

I love you Dean and always will.

Goodbye,

Jerk.

Sam couldn't stop the tears from falling as he finished the letter. He placed it on the table and wrote Dean's name on the front, then quickly left the motel room with just his gun. It's all he'd need now.

Sam went outside behind the motel and sunk down onto his knees in the ground. He slowly raised the gun to his head with shaky hands and closed his eyes.

He took one last breath before placing the barrel of the gun against his forehead.

Then he pulled the trigger and everything went black.

It was a Tuesday afternoon when Dean found Sam's body.