Instant Impacts

8

CHAPTER EIGHT

There is no other way to say it, but standing in the cemetery, for the first time in several months is depressing.

My parents stand behind me with their heads hanging low deep in prayer, their eyes shut and their mouths set in firm lines. My hands hang tightly by my sides, while I read the innocent words engraved on Claudia's grave.

Claudia Mann. A loving daughter, sister and friend. Rest in peace.

She was nineteen years old. When you're nineteen you should be dancing at clubs, going to university, falling in love and feeling alive. When you're nineteen you shouldn't be six feet under in a grave and just another star in the sky. Claudia will never see another day, to love, breath and live.

She will never develop wrinkles, never wake up from a nice, deep sleep. Claudia will continue to sleep, to stay unconscious for the rest of time.

Putting the situation in that particular perspective is sad and mellow, but they are the cold hard facts.

Bowing my head and clasping my fingers together, I pray.

Dear lord,

There are two places, where you go after a car accident. A common place to go for most survivors in a fatal car accident is the hospital. When I woke up in the hospital I was worried if I lost a limb or my brain, and I felt awkwardly stuck and trapped.

I don't know why I'm telling you this but I believe in you. I believe that you will give me strength when I need it.

Right now, I guess I'm on my way to being okay.

However, on the morning I woke up from a coma, I felt so incredibly weak. I'm sorry for feeling at least a little mad for my misfortune and unreasonably blaming you.

There is also the second place, where you go after a car accident. It's heaven. My sister found her way there instantly, without a choice. I don't think it was a choice she could have easily made, she could have either woken up in pain or rested in peace.

Granted, there was no one choice that was easier than the other, and doctors used to state, there was no chance for her survival, because the impact of the car hitting the pole instantly killed my sister.

I guess, it's kind of peaceful. No matter how you look at the facts, the one fact that applies to all theories, is Claudia's heart stopped beating.

When Father Connelly looked right at me, with his piercing gaze, as he walked down the aisle between the pews, my heart thumping in my chest like the beat of a heavy metal song at a concert, I wanted to run away from everything.

In the end, I need strength, to help me stay strong through tough times. I need courage, to drive me into situations where I feel alive. Finally, I need faith, in myself, family and friends.

Amen.

I open my eyes as the first cool breeze of autumn tingles my skin. For the first time in months I think about the weather. The air has transformed from a warm hug, into a cool tickle, blowing at the trees, causing them to sway back and forth as if they are dancing. If seasons come and go, so does pain and suffering. As will everything in life, even when you don't want them to end.

My dad sends me a small smile while my mum wraps her arms over my shoulders, "Your father and I are so glad you wanted to come along with us today."

The smile which finds its way on my face feels real, "so am I."

"Claudia would be as well," my dad whispers, my parents presence is comforting beside me, a constant, comforting presence.

"I just want to avoid those disturbing facts, you know?" I admit, "I just want to steer clear from the cold hard truth, because it is easier than coming here and looking into a grave to tell her, I'm the one who stopped living."

"It's okay, Andy." My mum keeps her arms wrapped around me, and rather than feeling overwhelmed by her effort to help me feel better, I actually feel better.

I don't feel alone, or insignificant because according to my parents, I am important. If I were to disappear my disappearance would matter.

No matter how I look at the facts.