Instant Impacts

5

CHAPTER FIVE

Small steps have never really helped to forget my sister.

I've taken plenty of steps in the past eighteen months but none of them gave me the feeling I had when I finally took a step because I wanted to.

Not that swimming never give me an outlet for my internal pain but having the chance to watch a bunch of happy people playing some random game, smiling real smiles made me feel like I had finally let myself do something for me.

Seeing people smile while playing water polo is the most selfish concept I had heard of in the past eighteen months but standing here, in front of the swimming pool door, the adrenaline rush from Tuesday gone, I want to run and hide away from where I am now.

This fear of jumping into the unknown isn't as good as it is when one, you're an introverted teenage girl who lost her confidence in a car accident and two, when you haven't got adrenaline running through your veins instead of blood.

I feel my legs pulling me away from the door and towards my bike. I want to stay and strut into the building full of self-assurance but I'm not ready for that and I've only just realised these people will know and will treat me with pity.

I can't go in there. I just cannot because if I do, I know what it means for me. I will forget Claudia and I promised her I would never forget her, ever.

It was Claudia's birthday in February, only a couple of years ago.

It was hot and the air was moist in an uncomfortable and humid way. She was one of those teenagers who survived puberty and year seven without a hint of drama.

The one wish she made that year was to go to the snow, even if that meant standing there forgotten, on the outskirts of the fun and excitement. The snow was the one place she wanted to go and I never understood her fascination with it. She was just dying to go.

I had many dreams involving my dream job, vacation and future in general but they were never constant decisions because I would forget an idea after a month of pointless dreaming.

Personally, the snow sounded horrible. It was too cold and icy for a girl who would always rather swim in water than throw frozen particles of it for fun.

"Andrea, don't forget... it's my birthday!" She whined, shaking me like a rag doll.

"It's cold Claudia, look at my hands." I held out both of my hands that were trembling and blue from the extremely low temperature. "I know it's your birthday but I just don't want my fingers to fall off."

Claudia almost looked as though she was going to cry. What I never understood was that her wish came true. Mum and dad were watching her from the resort and I would be too if only she let me.

"I know you're cold and we won't stay out for long, promise me that you will not forget me when the cold is unbearable." It was a simple request but that did not stop her from looking completely alone and sad. I remember hating that hopeless look in her blue eyes and wishing to never see it again.

"I promise." I replied.

A warm breeze wakes me up from the memory, glancing through the wide, foggy window I don't see much, except for the umpire of the game whose head is rolling back and forth of the width of the window as he walks the length of the pool, while blowing a whistle.

Right now, I'm not so sure of what Claudia would say, but I know that I'm not ready for this.

I guess I just don't want to let her down. I take off the other way, pedalling fast against the warm air towards the second best place that makes me feel alive, the record store on the corner of Reynolds road.

It always smells like freshly brewed coffee in this small record store. Which usually awakens my senses; smell, touch, sounds, sight and even taste. I'm totally in sync here, where music is running nonstop and no one is bothering anyone as we bob our heads to the beat of the song playing.

Pretending to act busy, I run my fingers along the compact discs in the shelves and as I do I spot the one album I had avoided for the past eighteen months; The arctic monkeys, AM.

I can't remember anything past a certain point and sometimes I can't even pick out which point is the last point I can remember. That album is the constant reminder of the craziness in my head.

It is the one thing nobody can understand, not even me. I can't understand the frustration I feel when no matter how hard I try to connect the dots, the dots always end up being scattered in my mind chaotically.

No matter how hard I try to remember, I always forget.