Be My Wings {drarry}

Chapter Five

CW: panic/anxiety

Tuesday 1 September 1998

Draco

The closer September comes, the more anxious I get. I've settled into my inheritance now; I've actually found myself liking being a submissive, however, due to my late training, I'm even more... well, submissive, for lack of a better word, than I should be. But going back to school scares me to no end. I know I've changed, for the better, in my mind. Without the influence of my father- which I've come to realise was a negative one- and positive people in my life as well as my inheritance, I'm definitely different. I don't know how people will react to that.

Although, as you continuously remind me whenever I get too anxious, I could find my mate. My inheritance was in June, and it's now September; the emptiness my mother described has grown, and now it feels like there is a gaping hole in my chest somehow bigger than myself. Mother warns me that the mate-pains should start living up to their name as actual pain soon. It makes me even more desperate to find them.

My mother and I apparate to the station, and I am faced with swarming crowds that make me feel even more anxious. Like I'm completely surrounded, trapped. And it's so loud and hot, and I can feel glances, and sometimes outright stares, crawling all over me like bugs. They're looking at my wings, I know they are. I knew that to attempt to hide them with my robe wouldn't work; they're too big. Or maybe they're just looking at me- Draco Malfoy, Death Eater who was for some reason excused from punishment. Draco Malfoy, son of Azkaban prisoner and one of the Dark Lord's right-hand men. Draco Malfoy, the enemy of the saviour of the entire Wizarding World. Draco Malfoy, now nothing.

You whimper.

You're not nothing. As long as we have a mate, we're not nothing.

But all that does is remind me I'm a submissive.

I thought you were okay with that now?

I am, but everyone else won't be! All my fears about what my friends will say come flooding back. Worse, what people who already hate me will think. How they'll use my pathetic- no, Draco, no- submissive nature to hurt me. And then, inexplicably, what if my mate knew me? What if they knew me before, and hated me then, and don't give me another chance? What if they reject me? What if they reject me and ridicule me and hurt me and hate me hate me hate me? My mate can't hate me, they just can't.

They won't, Draco...

I can't breathe. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't do this, I can't be here. Everything is spinning, I feel like I'm about to pass out. Alex, can you take over? I can't, I can't do this, please...

And suddenly, I'm no longer suffocating. You have control, you can do this. I metaphorically release a sigh of relief. You can do this.

You okay, Dray?

Yeah, I'm sorry, it was just all too much. Can you, uh, not tell my mother it's you? I don't want her to worry.

Okay.

Thanks. You hug my mother, tight, as well as Uncle Michael and Aunt Emma, who have come to see us off.

"I'll write to you, okay? And it'll be Christmas before either of us know it."

"I'll miss you, chick."

"I'll miss you too, Mother. I'll see you soon." And with one final hug, you wind through the thousands of people, making your way to the train. You find an empty compartment. If... if my friends come, could we not just pretend I'm a dom? Surely that would make things easier?

No, Draco. Not only is that impossible, especially due to the significant number of creatures on this train, that could lead to depression, for both of us. If your friends can't deal with it, then they're not real friends.