not okay {ziam}

ten*

{ten}

thriving off of the pain

-

it's lunch and i'm sitting at one of the cafeteria tables, chewing on an extremely dry sandwich and keeping my head down. i'm reading over some rather dull homework, the sounds of my peers chatting ceaselessly in inaudible patterns keeping me half-awake — until something spectacularly bizarre happens. it's an ordinary day, with an autumn chill settling over the sky and red leaves dancing across the pavement outside. most of the boys play football and run around the field with toothy grins, or some sit inside in their usual categories. but, habitually, i sit alone.

yet, as if i had been dreaming, mandy sits down beside me on the bench.

she places her tray of food next to mine, a seemingly clear indication she had decided to stay without hesitation. my cheeks bloom with a certain redness and everyone inside of the cafeteria is gaping at us, like we're two big eye-sores, clashing together in all of our right. except, she was blissfully unaware of her influence over the entire room and i was merely hiding in her shine. wondering why on earth she would tarnish her reputation and image by sitting with lousy, old me.

as she whirls her wild hair up into a bun, she beams at me delicately, "remember me?"

my head almost twists around my entire neck at her doubt, as my throat quivers with the words that fall out, "o-of course, 's really nice to see you again."

i watch her face flicker with sincerity that feels palpable, in her freckly round cheeks and the plumpness of her rosy lips. utter puzzlement inundates me at the thought of her moronic boyfriend cutting ties with her. i mean, what must've gone through his thick skull to make that decision? because as she stares at me with her pale, blue eyes, i feel the world twirl around past my fingertips in the most magically euphoric way. like i could just sit here and watch her for hours, just to feel her incredible glow in the air that i breathe.

"likewise. is it okay if i sit with you? totally get it if you just want to do your work." she speaks so softly that my mind can't quite keep up, like a ball of twine rolling around me so sweetly.

"please, definitely." i'm probably gushing, "i'm just... are you sure you--"

"--yes. i prefer your company compared to those..." her voice drops to an innocent whisper as she sways closer to me, gesturing her head towards a pack of angry girls she'd classify as friends, "fuckwits."

we begin to bubble with laughter and my heart drums through me wonderfully, almost dizzy with our elation. the people she usually sit with seethe in the distance at her disappearance, as if she had betrayed them by sitting with me. and suddenly i feel so alive, as we fall into conversation about everything and nothing all at once. sometimes i can't quite keep up, my social inexperience catching up in our chatter at times with silence. but she doesn't care for it, rather gives me a second to let me unscramble my sentences or finish them for me. i feel almost delirious with her attentiveness, like i might collapse onto the table at any given moment.

as she crunches away on an apple, a thought seems to overshadow her, "you know, i feel like i've wasted so much precious time with the wrong people."

"really? i mean, i'd have no clue." i confess, quietly, "kind of friendless."

she shakes her head, brows furrowing, "and thats what so weird, you're so kind and in the small amount of time i've spent with you -- i know you deserve more than that. but, why is it that way? why do the good people always get stepped on?" she says and i almost want to stop her, tell her about all the awful shit i've done. tell her why i'm a complete recluse and why i can't maintain friendships, but she continues, "i just hope college changes, i hope there's no nonsense, bullshit, pecking order."