not okay {ziam}

twenty-eight*

{twenty-eight}

i need her

-

the bell rings and i jump, only to realize it's the end of school. without a sound, i pull my body out of my chair, drifting out of math class with my bag. head down, still stuck on my inhale.

it had been a week since patrick was arrested and the incident with zayn happened. i had spent the entirety of my days without much to say. somehow natalie didn't mind my aloofness, strangely, she allowed me to aimlessly roam alongside her, searching for answers in the breaches of my mind. too wrapped up in myself and what will happen next that i haven't realized that someone special is beside me, waiting patiently for my consideration.

it occurred to me on the friday afternoon that my fear was entirely misplaced. i spent the majority of my time locked away in my room, unable to breathe when a gust of wind blew against my window in a certain way that would send panic down my spine. i had spent far too long convincing myself that the sounds i'd hear alone in the shower or the rustling of bushes as i walked home from school were in fact sinister. when in actuality, nothing had ever happened. i wasn't grabbed in the middle of the night or attacked in my room as much as i suspected i would be. after that day, when i escaped from zayn after what he had done to me -- i thought i had everything to lose.

i had confronted someone who was capable of anything. of course i was afraid.

yet, as seven excruciating days passed, i realized that it had been far too long to expect anything to happen anytime soon. a lot of damage could be done in a week - and my silence seemed to make me safer than i had ever been. it seemed i had the advantage and zayn didn't know what to do with that. he had done something he couldn't take back and now the ball is in my court, waiting to be dropped. so instead of thinking irrationally - zayn did the smart thing to do which was to disappear.

i, however, was just filling in time.

after a while, it dawns on me that my attention had been on entirely in the wrong place. it was natalie that required my attention. the glowing force of someone special, sparkling amongst a crowd of dull lights. waiting patiently for someone so wrapped up in themselves to realize that she's beside me -- willing to hang around. instead of vanishing, she smiled in the silence as i tried to claw myself out of the burrow i had dug myself into. at that point, i realized i couldn't fuck this up. i couldn't lose her.

i didn't know how to explain to her why i insisted on walking her home every afternoon. or to her obnoxious friends that whenever she wasn't around, my body would tense up into a rigid mess until she'd appear again. i couldn't tell her that the fear of losing her had completely consumed me into an unresponsive ghost living off of her warmth. i couldn't tell her that after that day -- when the fire alarms went off at school for 'no apparent reason' and i disappeared -- that i haven't slept since.

but when i stare at natalie who walks alongside me, as her honey-brown hair dances past her cheeks in the wind, i realize i'm completely selfish. because even if i assigned myself as her personal bodyguard without disclosure, it still wasn't enough. inevitably -- i'm just protecting her from myself. from the mess i started. i'm too greedy to walk away from someone too good for me. because for the first time in my life, the feeling that resides in my chest when i look at her is relief.

"hey, where did you go?" suddenly i hear her voice and just the sound of it yanks me out of my tormented mind. i almost had to thank her, because i completely lost myself for a second there. once i take in my surroundings, i realize we're outside of school and walking towards the mall with her bizarre friends. and for once, i wasn't alone.