not okay {ziam}

one

{one}

nothing short of a straight shot of poison

-

the first time i saw him, i sat across from a placid pond with pine needles digging into the denim of my jeans. this is where i usually spent my time, except today my senses were a little heightened then usual. my heart pattered through my finger tips like an incessant beat of a choir drum, my teeth grinding together and chipping away the enamel in a slight panic. i thought i was completely alone with my thoughts and shuddering vexation -- as i let my bike fall to the ground and simultaneously flicked my lighter to a flame. emptying my pockets, standing by the blossoming, intrusive mangrove trees, my hands held the things i had stolen.

no matter how many times i did this, it always felt wrong.

yet, it wasn't a bottle of booze or a pack of cigarettes that a teenager like myself would usually nick from the store and run off with. no, it had been pairs of lacy, promiscuous bras and underwear that still had the fragrance of whom it belonged to tucked away into the satin. the pink ruffles of a tight thong or a tiny black bra should excite me and appease my growing morbid desire -- and it did, for just a quick moment.

you see, i have been in love with a girl from my school for quite a while now.

although she hadn't known me or barely bat her pretty blue eyes at me, i had grown involuntarily attached to her without meaning to. she was everything i wanted, but i had always been too afraid to talk to her. as she sparkled in a room full of people and i was merely a hidden waste of space — a particle of dust floating in the air aimlessly for a place to reside. her name is mandy and she's magnificent in every way — her hair is the color of the golden shores of greece and her laugh is contagiously glorious — like the smell of jasmine flourishing across the footpaths of my lonesome neighborhood.

after school, i had calculated perfectly how i would enter her house without her knowledge.

she would be at cheerleading practice, dancing and cavorting her body around like a flirty bird twirling in the wind for crowds of wanton people. her usual routine was to end her exercise at the time the sun sets over our sleepy town, and then sloppily kiss her boyfriend under the abandoned bleachers — until the scumbag would inevitably stuff his filthy fingers inside of her.

today i had taken a chance by climbing into her bedroom window (which she left unknowingly open) while she was left preoccupied.

i had felt like i had gotten close to her, staring at the childish photos dangling from her walls and the sweet scents of her room. it had smelt like long nights of needy masturbation, which of course only made me grow desperate with infectious arousal. it wasn't long before i stood over her drawer, staring at her panties and fantasizing at the thought of sliding them down her thighs as she mewls across her pink bed. what it'd be like to treat her like a princess, unalike her fool of a fucking boyfriend.

as the thought of my mouth pleasuring mandy between her long legs and her hands tugging at my hair as she drowns in a euphoric state -- suddenly the front door of her house slams like a horrible awakening of a nightmare. my heart thrashed inside my ribcage as i heard mandy call out from the entrance of her cozy home in a sing-song voice, 'i'm home!'

the entire house felt like it had shaken with her melody as i held my breath. my hands full of her underwear were tucked away into my jacket without any hesitation, as i began to slowly back away from my delusions and enter reality once again. my mind tirelessly lapsed with doubt like a malfunctioning, smokey data base, wondering if i had been wrong all this time. no, no, she shouldn't be home so early! i wanted more time!