audacity // kryoz

twelve

Anna. I couldn't get her out of my head and I have no fucking idea why. Her smile and laugh were embedded in my memory. More than anything her silent tears of suffering is ingrained in my memory. 

She is a complete mystery to me and honestly, that's all my fault. I was too much of a pussy to really say anything to her when we were in the park together. I just couldn't come up with anything to say.

As I slowed down to stop at a stoplight, I was suddenly reminded of a memory that made me hit my head on the steering wheel in front of me. I still can't believe that I fell asleep in that cafe. I'm so fucking stupid. I even drooled on my arm. I knew I shouldn't have gone to that cafe after I hadn't gotten any sleep and spent that whole night editing. I should've just gotten into bed but then I wouldn't have seen Anna.

My mind explores the thought of me not meeting her and honestly, my life would've been bleaker if I hadn't met her. It would just be eating, recording, editing and sleeping. As I drive home, a smile appears on my face and it stayed.

***

I sighed as I pulled into the driveway, happy that I was finally home. I was beginning to feel a bit claustrophobic in the car. After I parked the car and took my keys out, I hopped out just before closing the door behind me. As I made my way to the front door, I locked the car.

As I opened the front door, I was greeted with a sick Kugo wrapped up in a blanket, waddling from the kitchen to the couch. He turned his head to look at me and gave me a knowing smile. I looked back at him confused. What the hell did he know? I shrug it off not caring enough to question him or think about it more. I began making my way to the stairs in the hopes I could get into bed and get a couple of hours of sleep before I have my next recording session.

I threw my shoes off my feet the moment I walked into my room. I didn't care where they landed, I just need to be back in bed. After spending the whole night on the couch, my mouth was practically watering at the idea of being back in my soft bed. I couldn't be bothered to take my hoodie off so I opted just to take off my jeans and put on sweatpants instead. 

Once I plugged my phone in, I fell into my bed with a sigh. Covering my body with the blanket, I waited for sleep to come to me.

***

I have been staring at my ceiling for what felt like forever. I was just watching the ceiling fan go in circles over and over again. I was hoping that the repetitiveness of the fan would help me fall asleep but it didn't. I was so desperate for sleep that I contemplated smoking some weed but I knew that if I did I would be out for hours, I was just looking for a quick cat nap. 

After watching the fan slowly rotate a couple more times, I sighed and leaned over and grabbed my phone. I opened twitter and started mindlessly scrolling through my timeline, not really reading anything. Obviously, the idea of texting Anna had crossed my mind many times but I immediately shot it down. What the fuck would I even say?

My conscious was torn between bitching out and not texting her or saying 'fuck it' and just text her. Wait a minute. What the hell? When did I get so scared to do shit? I always just went for it. What changed?

Without me realizing it, I had opened her contact and began to create a text to her. When my thumbs began to fly across the screen I noticed what the hell I was doing. I knew very well that I should keep it simple but for some reason, I was a ball of nerves and couldn't think straight. I quickly typed, 'hey anna, it's john'. As quick as it was typed is as quick as it was sent. I didn't want to give myself another moment to overthink it and not send it.

Without hesitation, I leaned back over and shoved my phone back where it rested. I was hoping that now sleep would come to me but it made it worse. I couldn't even close my eyes without seeing that blue bubble. I just couldn't take it anymore. I pulled myself off of my bed, grabbed my phone and went downstairs to my office.