I've been having thoughts lately.
Life is so fucking short, you know? Like, it'll go by in a flash and I don't want to take that for granted and live life like a piece of turd on someone's lawn.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: How do you live life to the full extent? How do you go about living life in general?
I used to think it was all about getting good grades, getting into a good university, getting a good job with a decent pay, starting a family and boom, life over. Life completed. Like a game, almost. You know when you're playing a game and you reach the highest level and then it all just seems pointless now because you've gotten to the top, you've reached the end, but now there's just nothing? Well, that's what I imagine life would be if I don't get my shit together and live my fucking life how I want to.
But it's hard. Truly. Since I'm in high school right now, I can't do anything about anything. Shit, I don't even know what it is I'm so desperate for in life. Maybe it's my dream of traveling the world, just seeing Earth. Or maybe it's just meeting people that make me happy, meeting communities in different parts of the planet, meeting people that live so differently to me. I just- I don't know. And it makes me mad.
Sometimes, I'll look up at the sky at night and just look at the stars. Even if it's for a minute, it puts me in a weird mood for the rest of the day. I dunno what it is. It's just, I guess (and I'm going to try my hardest to try and put this feeling into words) whenever I look at the sky, I feel limitless. Carefree. I feel how truly small I am in the world. I'm literally nothing but a fucking speck. It makes me feel curious about what's out there. I mean, no one knows what's out there. Aliens maybe? It's possible. Or maybe it's just a void of nothingness. It's just s p a c e. Empty space. Idk. I just feel so happy looking at the night sky because I forget about everything that I'm worried and stressed about, and just think outside. Outside my life, outside everyone's lives, and outside all my worries.
I dunno if anyone will even understand what I'm trying to say because I'm not even sure I understand what I'm saying either. But, it just makes me think. What's the point of spending the first 17 years of my life going to fucking school, another few years in University, just to get a good job? I mean, obviously I know that a good job is beneficial to good pay, which guarantees a good life, but I just want to do what I want to do, you know? I don't wanna be stuck behind a desk for my whole life, and only regret it minutes before I die. I wanna live so that once I'm on my death bed, I can leave knowing I did everything I could to make sure my life was one to remember.
This is getting too long but tbh, I could go on and on about this for HOURS. And it makes me feel isolated and a bit depressed when I talk with someone about this and they just don't understand. I wish someone understood what I mean by what I'm saying because then I wouldn't feel like such an outsider. If you even semi understand and relate to what I'm saying message me. Please. I really really wanna talk to someone that can relate or just understand what I'm saying because I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FUCKING OUTSIDER.
I kind of want to say more but I should stop here. I don't think people would've read up to here but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE message me if you've been having similar thoughts. I would really appreciate it.
I'm not gonna read this through bc I hate reading my word vomit but if I made any spelling mistakes, and yes this is to you Symon, ignore them.
Peace out
