Distance

Bitterness

"Distance makes the heart  grow fonder, said by someone stronger than me" - Troye Sivane

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Erik was upset. He was very upset.

He didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or cry as he watched the cause of this feeling, walk beside him, looking everywhere but at him. Almost as if he didn't exist. Almost as if she didn't know him.

 'Just like last night' he gritted his teeth at the thought.

Honestly nothing made him feel more annoyed than the fact that they'd met yesterday and she hadn't said a word. Nothing. The hurt and annoyance that surged through him was uncontrollable.

He glanced to his side. She still hadn't said anything but he was sure he'd seen her sneak glances at him.

He sighed. "Leiah, we need to talk."

He watched as she finally looked at him, turning away from the office walls that suddenly seemed to look 'oh, so very interesting' to her.

She made a vague, 'hmm?' sound like she had no idea at all what he wanted to talk about.

Erik felt a new wave of frustration wash over him, he sighed and gently steered her towards a more secluded corner. He turned towards her, and hesitantly, gently lifted up her chin to look at him directly. Looking directly into her familiar sweet light brown eyes he almost forgot what he wanted to talk about. He quickly withdrew his hand and lightly shook his head, soft black strands of hair falling on his forehead. 

Leiah stared at his face, her fingers twitching at her side, eager to brush aside the hair on his forehead, to feel their softness, but she stilled her hands before they could make their move. 'You can't Leiah, you don't have the right to do any of this anymore, especially not after how upset he seems to be'

She realised how much she'd upset him, how hurt he felt. It had always been hard to truly make Erik upset or angry but it was easy to notice when it did happen. She didn't even think it was possible to feel more guilty than she already did but every passing moment seemed to prove to her otherwise. She snapped out of her thoughts as his voice reached her ears, piercing through the silence.

"Mind explaining how you'd conveniently managed to forget who I was or how I looked for the duration of around two hours? And before you say anything, I'm confident that you were not drunk. I know fully well that you're a lightweight but a few sips isn't enough to make you that drunk."

Leiah bit her tongue lightly, if she was being perfectly honest, she had entertained that excuse for a short while, a really short while but nevertheless she had thought about it. She tried her best to find words to express herself but as she watched him stand there arms crossed, face in a light frown and hazel eyes narrowed in a glare that simply looked cute to her, his face the literal description of the word 'hmph' she realised that words had completely and utterly abandoned her at the moment. What she truly wanted to do was squeal and maybe hug him like old times. 'old times'  that brought her back to reality fast enough. She turned all her attention back to him, expelling these thoughts from her mind.

He seemed to be looking at her expectantly as if waiting for an answer that would solve all misunderstandings, that would erase all negative feelings and allow them to part ways happily like nothing ever happened. Such a perfect answer was something she could never truly possess, frankly speaking she felt that anything close to perfection was far away from her reach.

  Unlike him. 

She tried her best to suppress the ugly thoughts that threatened to  surface in her mind, she'd constantly been trying to drown them since forever. The thoughts of how perfect he was, how she felt she'd never ever be close to his perfection. If she was being honest a part of her had to agree that the biggest reason she never turned to him for consolation was because of how pathetic she felt, how insecure, how imperfect, how undeserving of his warmth and comfort.

To her he was like the sun and though she was willing to get burnt, she always felt he'd never even notice if she burnt to ashes and faded away.

She licked her dry lips, took in a breath to gain her bearings and tried her best to form an adequate answer. 

"I, um I thought it was uh better that way. That you wouldn't want to see me" Her voice lowered down to a whisper when she reached the last sentence

 Only once she said it she realised how absolutely pathetic her answer sounded. She was afraid of his reaction, she would definitely have been mad if given such an insincere sounding answer.

Erik was speechless for a moment. That answer seemed like such a pathetic and horrible excuse like an answer simply for the sake of answering but as he stared at her, he realised she truly actually believed it. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to hug her or pull her cheeks and try to shake some sense into her.

"Why would you ever even think that? I understand, well not really but I won't fault you for leaving five years ago, you just coped with grief in a different way. "

A way that included simultaneously hurting the people who still love you. 

His eyes widened when he realised he'd almost said that. He couldn't believe how bitter he felt, how close he was to saying things that he could never take back. Erik had almost always been calm. He might be mildly amused, mildly annoyed, mildly frustrated but it was all mildly. He'd never not been calm. Caring for three siblings, two of which were cute but extremely annoying twin boys, had taught him to maintain his composure and be calm. While his mother was sick and his father was working, it was his duty so he'd grown to be calm.

This feeling of unrestrained annoyance, frustration and bitterness almost felt alien to him.He felt it accumulating within him as he continued to speak. 

"God, Leiah for someone so academically smart how can you act so stupid. I'm almost afraid of leaving you here because the moment I turn back you might just have left without a word. You seem to be really good at doing that." 

The moment he said that a painful silence seemed to stretch between them. Regret coursed through his veins as he saw her wince but he didn't apologise, couldn't because he knew that he meant every word he said. Either way it was too late to take it back and they were his true feelings, poorly worded but still the truth. 

He observed her. She was alternating her glances between the floor and himself. She was nervously fidgeting and her eyes were flickering with an emotion that seemed to be guilt.

  Guilt. That's all she seemed to be feeling since he first saw her. Was everything she felt now regarding him just guilt? Before he could stop himself he'd turned around and walked away. The bitterness in his chest refused to be subdued. He had work to do, he needed to regain his composure, staying around her would unleash a storm. He convinced himself he had more important things to do, he'd think about this later.  As he walked away, forcing himself to not look back, he found himself wishing that she wouldn't follow him, for once he truly didn't want her to chase after him and try to pacify him. He disliked this feeling of unrest coursing through him. Now wasn't the right time to discuss their personal matters nor was it the right place. 

When he thought back to her averted gaze and her nervousness and her guilt, he wondered if they could ever bridge the distance that existed between them, if it was even possible. Right now, he wasn't even sure if he was willing to do so. Erik was tired, he forced himself to believe this matter was menial. 

After all he had work to do, feelings were secondary.