Distance

Feelings

Erik exited the bar. That nagging feeling of familiarity still present in his mind.

That red haired woman in the bar was so much like her. The way she spoke,the way she smiled, how her eyes sparkled with excitement over menial things, all of it was so much like her. So much like Leiah.

'No.' He sighed as he made his way back to his apartment. It probably wasn't her, it has never been her before, there was no reason for it to be different this time.

He was used to it. This feeling of hope that bubbled in his chest. Every time he saw someone that looked familiar, or when he heard her name or something even close to it, his heart would automatically jump and he would wonder, he would hope, he would wish but it was never her. Never. His hope would sputter and then die only to be revived at another time. He was numb to it now, the feeling. He'd stopped denying its presence, stopped suppressing it and he'd also stopped caring. He would let it blossom and then he'd let it die. Not suppressing nor pursuing it.

Erik only felt one thing now regarding their situation and that was tired. Yes, he would want to meet her again, definitely. Eight years of companionship containing three years of love, definitely made him want to see her again, to know that she was alright, to hope that she was happy and that she'd overcome her grief. 

Without him.

Five important years of absence had numbed his feelings towards her. What he felt back then for her and what he felt now didn't seem to be the same. He could no longer say with certainty that he loved her in the same way that he did before.

He did love her but as a memory. A beautiful one that he deeply cherished. That reminded him that good days have existed and so they will continue to exist but life goes on. Time makes her journey and the people and the things around her change to accommodate her arrival.

His life had gone on and so had hers, nothing stood at a standstill. He had found his first love in designing and he was finally able to actively pursue it. They were both achieving the future they'd always planned to. There was only one difference, both of them weren't in it.

He reached his apartment, took out his keys and opened the door. As soon as he closed it behind him, he heard the patter of paws running on the floor. His cocker spaniel, Humphry jumped at him.

"Hey, Humphry. Are you hungry boy, are you hungry?"

He took out the dog food from the kitchen shelves and poured it in his bowl. Humphry wagged his golden tail and started to eat.

Erik went and slumped down on his couch. Closing his eyes and covering them with his hands. He couldn't stop thinking, the thoughts racing through his head.

He had often been asked by his friends, by people who knew both him and Leiah, whether he felt angry and how it was possible for him to not feel like that. He didn't, he really didn't feel angry, he just couldn't.

Annoyed? Yes, very much so

Definitely. Her disappearing like that, pushing aside all her promises like that was so stupid, so dumb, so annoying and so absolutely her.

He had a feeling she would do something like that, he just knew and he also knew that though he was annoyed she must be sad, horribly sad. She had always been the type who would hate herself for being so sad, would push aside her feelings until she'd break and then detest herself for breaking.

If he was asked one word to describe her then from the bottom of his heart, he could say only one thing and that was stupid. She was so stupid, so dumb. How could she not even think of relying on the people around her, how could she not even try. He knew he didn't understand what went through her mind but he had wanted to try, to at least be given a chance. It was frustrating, so damn frustrating, to not have been able to do anything. Maybe she didn't trust him enough, maybe she just didn't trust him with her feelings and her sad thoughts. Maybe she felt no one could understand. He didn't know. He would never know.