The Last Empress

23. The Path to the Past

How different it would have been from my life with Hyuk, how different he is from Hyuk. How different I am with him, how different I am with Hyuk. With Woo Bin, I am relaxed, at ease, content, glad; with Hyuk, I am on edge, ecstatic one day, miserable the next, wild with excitement one moment, desperately unhappy the next. With Woo Bin, life would be tranquil, safe, predictable; with Hyuk, life is a constant rollercoaster of emotions: soaring up the crest of wild exhiliration one moment, plunging down to the depths of despair the next.

But my choice is clear.

It has always been Hyuk from the beginning, and it will be Hyuk till the end. For my place is beside him, and my heart belongs to him. I was his from the moment I laid eyes on him, and I will be his forever more.

April dawns, and Yoon comes to me to bid farewell.

He is of the same age as I, one of those"boys" that Hyuk had once said, in a moment of bitter regret, that I should have married, someone younger, someone whose life stretched ahead of him, whose past has not been smeared with painful memories and dark secrets.

But, as I look at him now, smiling sunnily at me, a burst of sunlight illuminating his face, bathed in the radiant glow of youthful enthusiasm and irrepressible hope, I feel old, a decade older than him.

"Sister-in-law, you're looking refreshingly beautiful this morning." He bows low over my hand. "I have come to bid thee farewell, O lovely rose of the Palace." He presses a hand against his chest dramatically.

I laugh.

"Are you really leaving?" I ask. "Why?"

He shrugs.

"The palace is getting on my nerves. And my mother." He scowls, and flops down onto an armchair, stretching out his legs. "She's annoying."

"Oh," I say, privately agreeing with him on that last bit. The Empress Dowager and I hardly speak at all, and there is an uneasiness between us, a false cordiality on the surface, masking the simmering resentment beneath. Like a lull before a storm waiting to explode.

"When are you leaving?" I ask.

"The day after tomorrow." He shrugs. "I've got to get back to my book." He looks moody for an instant. "I can't write here. The palace is - stifling."

He looks at me.

"About that - matter I spoke to you about...your mother..." He looks uncomfortable. "I'm sorry about what I said. I shouldn't have, but I had to get it off my chest." He looks directly at me. "You're a nice girl, and I had a little bit too much to drink that day, so I kind of blurted it out...I'm sorry..."

"It's okay," I smile at him. "It's over, it wasn't Hyuk's fault, and I'm not angry anymore. We've talked about it, and we've put it behind us. So don't feel bad..."

"That's good to hear." He looks relieved. "I can be a bit of an idiot when I'm drunk..." He looks rueful.

"Were you close to So Hyun?" I ask.

He sits up, looking surprised.

"Why would you ask that?" he says, staring at me.

"I'm just curious, I guess." I smile at him. "It's okay, you don't have to answer me. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

He looks at me musingly.

"I wasn't that close to her, personally," he says slowly, "I never really talked to her much, she had her own friends..."

"They were having problems, weren't they, Hyuk and her?"

"Why would you ask that?" His voice has suddenly become very quiet.