The Rules for Existing

Iseul

I know people think I've got it made because I'm a model, but there are so many things I want to understand.

I've never understood love, and I don't know if it will come for me. I look at boys, and some of them are cute, or nice, or someone I'd like as a big brother, but when my friends talk about kissing or dating, I stick up my nose and fake a giggle.

I wonder if I'll ever meet the one for me.

I am so not into Will. I mean, he's a good friend, but I don't see him that way.

I'd never thought I'd meet Oskar Goldschmidt again, and at Will's party. I didn't think Oskar did parties. Or any kind of social interaction, really.

I guess Oskar is cute... with his auburn hair and gray eyes, he doesn't look like anyone else in this city, or this country. And that grin he has, with his slightly crooked teeth... I don't find that to be an imperfection. It makes him look sly, like a fox. And it's only fitting — behind that social awkwardness he wears like a mask on the outside, I'm willing to bet Oskar is devilishly clever. Too bad I'll probably never get to know if I'm right.

Today I was hanging out with my girl friends, and the boy talk came up again. When they mentioned their boyfriends, I knew they were about to ask me who I was seeing. I bit on the straw of my virgin daiquiri. I'd never felt attraction towards anyone before. I always thought there was something wrong with me.

Actually, it feels like such a lie the moment I think about it. I've been attracted to someone once, but it was a girl.

Does it count? I don't know if it counts. I've never imagined myself dating a girl, except for Anastasia. Instead, sometimes, I look at my friends and their boyfriends, and I see how easy they have it, and I think I'd like to have a boyfriend too, one day.

"So," my friend Laura said, predictably. "Are you seeing someone now, Iseul?"

She nudged me and her friends started laughing. I looked down at my cheese and ham toast and I suddenly regretted being there. You couldn't exactly refer to those girls as my friends either way — more as acquaintances in the city. They didn't even get my make-up or my clothes, they just liked that I was rich and popular. Once, I'd even tried to subtly ask one of them to go with me to see a rock show, but she didn't take the hint.

I shrugged. "The last time I liked someone, things went from heavenly to sour pretty quickly."

If this was enough to throw off my friends, good. And it wasn't a lie.

Anastasia wasn't the kind of girl who is so pretty everyone notices, but she looked peculiar and I found her really attractive.

Every time we hung around, she was incredible. She knew how to catch all the attention — always happy and friendly. I fell in love with her the first moment I saw her. We never acted like a couple, I don't know if she even liked me back, but I loved her and she was always eager to tell me that she wasn't dating anybody. I decided to try to win her heart.

I started flirting with her, in a very friendly way, but I really thought she could understand my love for her and that she liked me back. We started hanging around more often, being really close to each other, and dancing together.

Trust me. I wouldn't do that with anyone. Especially dancing, I wouldn't be caught dead dancing.

And then, something happened.

I told Anastasia I had a crush on her and she acted terrible about it. This made me notice how little I really knew of her as a person.

And then, a few months later — this was the worst part. I saw her walking down the street with a boy I had never seen before. She introduced him to me as her boyfriend and she told me they'd been dating happily for years.