Edge of Desire | jhs

Save me

"But," I say nothing more, taken aback by Baekhyun and Jungkook's widened eyes, and Taehyung's deep silence, holding my dear brother's fierce gaze. 

I can't say anything else either way because my words drown in my throat, and stay there.

Forever.

What happened? Why are you upset with Taehyung and Jungkook? Where is everyone else?

My stomach grumbles badly like a fiery volcano about to erupt and my brother glances at me from over his shoulder, passing me a plastic bag. "You only have this week, promise me, you'll be good and for grandfather."

I take the plastic bag and look inside. My eyes widen slightly and my cheeks redden.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a girl. Maybe that's why grandfather wanted a grandson.

. . . 

It's after daylight, and the hospital is fairly quiet despite nurses floating around for hourly rounding, and people getting checked in. Jungkook walks beside me, telling me to walk slowly, and hands me a cartoon of strawberry milk.

"I don't like strawberry milk."

"Since when did you not?"

"I started drinking banana milk because of you."

Jungkook just smiles. His cheeks widen and there are crescent stars in his brown eyes.

I almost forgot his smile can heal pain too.

I find Taehyung with Baekhyun at the front desk, gathering information from the doctor about me (at least I think it's me), but when my brother and I meet gazes, there's a twinkle of concern pooling in his golden honey irises. 

Baekhyun needs a hug.  

We sit in the room I've been assigned, breathing in the tragic silence and heavy atmosphere around us. My brother takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and opens his eyes, looking at me. He has this unwavering tense gaze where golden lanterns flicker and slowly lose their glow like an unsteady halo eclipse.

I hold my breath.

"Jungkook and Taehyung already went back home."

"Oh." The word hangs in the air for a heartbeat and my gaze flickers up to meet Baekhyun's golden ones.

"Mom called me."

My heart drops.

"She said hello, I love you."

"Did she say more?"

"She said we can visit her after you complete grandfather's mission."

I open my mouth to respond, but the words don't escape, only hit me back in the chest with a loud pang. I'm pretty sure the walls are thin enough for everyone to hear the sound of heartache. 

That's where all sadness mourns anyway. In the hospital. Where I thought Mom couldn't possibly have left us. Couldn't have left us for good and left the world without us, leaving us stranded at the train station the day my brother left for Seoul.

My mom wouldn't have.

And she didn't.

But she broke my heart again. 

I reach for the scissors on the table beside me and lift them against a strand of my hair. My brother looks at me in horror, reaching for my arm to stop me. His gaze doesn't waver this time and keeps me frozen in place, feeling my heart race. 

"No, Sooyun, don't act rashly. My lotus flower, you still have time to bloom," Baekhyun tells me in Korean. His voice is barely audible, but close enough for the both of us to hear. "If some things are meant to be a secret, then keep it hidden. I don't want your innocence to disappear with your beauty too, lotus flower."

"I'm not going to be Park Sooyun anymore until next week anyway."

Slowly, I raise the scissors and feel the blade brush against my hair. I cut off a strand of chocolate hair and it falls onto my lap.

 . . . 

The next morning arrives with ramen, pizza, and garlic sticks. It''s unhealthy, yet it's a luxurious surprise to me, remembering him addressing Mom's words from last night. 

I feel a smile spread across my face as soon as he enters the room, closing the door behind him, but Baekhyun drops the snacks in the plastic bags with a thud and shock written over his face.

His eyes are wide and his mouth hangs open as if he's lost for words. He doesn't say anything.

He can't say anything because I'm sitting on the hospital bed, locking eyes with him, not reacting one bit to him rushing over to me, and caressing my face.

"What did you do to your hair?" He says quietly, still trying to gauge the situation after I fainted, scaring everybody else. I thought he would be surprised in a good way, but he looks disappointed, and taken aback.

No one can save me now.

I have to save myself and man up.

Because I'm no longer a girl next week anyway.

Hoseok won't recognize me, right?