My Bad Boy Werewolf Quadrillionaire Space Lord

11 - Dinner and a Show

I can't say I've ever heard a more adorable scream.

Imagine a stadium full of small children who just learned they were all being given teddy bears and ice cream. Imagine that calibre of cuteness, ooh look at that alliteration! Go Isabella! Anyway, imagine that cuddly cacophony, wait, holy shit I'm on a roll here! Swelling supendipity of sweetness, no, fuck, I should have quit while I was ahead.

Anyway, imagine the screams of glee from a bunch of boy-band fans when their idols take off their shirts. The lusty adulation as they see those shirts come off expecting to see something like Chris Hemsworth as Thor.

Now, imagine the sound they make when they get Thor: Endgame, rather than Thor: Ragnarok.

Yeah, that was the sound that came out of Alcuard's smooth-as-a-baby's-butt face when he walked through the portal.

He screeched, he squealed. He threw his hands up in front of his face and dove for the cover of a nearby couch. I have to admit, that dead man could move extremely fast. Like I wish I had run that fast from the repo man when I missed my last payment on my ship.

"Please, no, I'm not ready for oblivion. Not that, mother of darkness, not that!" Alcuard whimpered from out of sight.

"What's wrong?" I asked, scampering over and rounding the couch to crouch down next to him.

Alcuard was frantically hitting himself with his hands. When he saw me, he sat up a little, and asked me the oddest question. "Am I on fire?"

I shook my head and tried to keep the 'I think you're bat-shit crazy' thoughts to myself. "You're hot. But no, you're not on fire," I managed to say as neutrally as possible.

"I'm hot? I must have burned a little then," Alcuard replied, breathing in a deep sigh of relief. "Now, would you ask our host if he'd shut the windows and refrain from trying to kill me?"

Luca, somehow having snuck up on me despite my preternatural ability to sense when a shirtless hot guy was nearby, had a facial expression that was either trying to hold in a laugh, or vomit. Honestly, they look pretty similar.

"Are you talking about the screensaver on the viewport?" Luca asked.

"Screensaver?" Alcuard asked in turn. The Vampire's existential horror turned to indignation, and if looks could hurt, Luca would have needed a hospital. "That's just a screensaver!"

The laugh Luca was holding in slipped from his lips then. The world's only trillionaire doubled over, and fell onto the couch as even his magnificent abs couldn't hold him upright. He laughed so hard fell into the fetal position.

I snickered, then I laughed. Then I laughed harder. Then I looked at the vampire's face as he sat up and tried to regain his dignity, and I heard the sound of his scream in my head and I laughed even harder.

"Computer," Luca called out, struggling to speak as he laughed. "Turn. The monitors. Off."

"Yes, sir," a voice I didn't trust at all announced, and the sunrise on the wall faded to black.

Alcuard stood up and fastidiously dusted off his coat. "Well, I can't say I expected to ever see the sun. And as astonishing as the novelty was, that was a particularly cruel joke. I hope you can both try to forget that appalling sound I made."

"Computer," Luca said. "Did you record that shriek the vampire made?"

"In high fidelity, sir. I dedicated fourteen gigabytes to get the minuscule fluctuations recorded for posterity. Shall I play it back now?" The ship's computer responded in what occurred to Isabella might be the only tone of voice Luca was used to hearing from a woman.