Conflicted Emotions

Chapter 21: Half term nightmare

"I should be stronger. If I can't even protect my own mother and sister, what the hell can I protect?" he mumbled into his hands. I nudged his shoulder with my fist.

"He could have done worse. You did well," I said. He looked at me, then gave me an awkward one armed hug over the arm of the chair. I half smiled and leaned against him, exhausted. It was ten in the evening, we'd been there for eight hours waiting for them to finish extracting the glass from them and stitch whatever cuts up.

Finally, a door opened a man called our names. We stood up and waited for our news. He explained that they'd be there for a while but we were allowed to see them. We followed the nurse up a few flights of stairs into a children's ward. Amy was lying there with her head bandaged looking sorry for herself. I ran forwards and hugged her gently, and Danny waited before giving her a hug as well.

"Where's daddy? They told me he would come," she said, looking anxiously up at us.

"He'll be here soon," I said gently, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking her hand. Danny ran his fingers through his auburn hair and sat the other side.

"I'm sorry, Amy," he said, stroking her hair which protruded from the bandage. "I should have done more..." but to his complete surprise she hugged him.

"Thank you Danny, you saved me. He was going to hit me again, he was." She mumbled into his jacket. "And thank you Jess, you kicked him in the nuts!" she added brightly and hugged me as well. I smiled and patted her back before setting her gently back down on her pillow. We talked a bit more before Dad arrived. He looked like a ghost - he was deathly pale and his hair was ruffled probably through the many times he ran his fingers through it, a stress signature that Danny inherited.

"Thank god, you're alright," he said, hugging me. I hugged him back and stood aside to let him hug Amy. To my surprise he hugged Danny too, who looked a bit startled but hugged him back. We both waved and went to find our mother.

We eventually found her after several wrong turns leading us in the opposite direction, in an empty looking ward, that definitely wasn't the right ward. I noticed she was the only one that was bandaged - the others were all looking sickly and ill but not in any way harmed on the outside. A bit confused, we headed over to where she was laying, her bed beside another with visitors who had their backs to us. I hugged her first and winced as I saw the stitches across her face.

"Are you alright?" I asked, staying standing up this time.

"I'm fine, Jess. It hurts a bit but the anaesthetic is working," she said, taking my hand. Danny cringed and once again began his apology speech, but she held up a hand to silence him. I noticed the visitors of the bed next to her were looking at us curiously, but didn't pay much attention. "It's my fault, Danny, no need to blame yourself," mum said, smiling. "I should never have trusted him to get over his addiction..." I sighed slightly, knowing Danny was going to argue, and instead looked up at the visitors, preferring not to concentrate on my family's battling conscience. I froze.

The sign above the door said 'Oncology Ward'. And I knew that Oncology was the scientific word for cancer. But not only that. The visitors next to us were none other than the Richmonds.

My eyes flickered towards Spencer's. He was looking at me with an agonized expression and I instantly felt so, so sorry for him. I tried to show my sympathy in my eyes and I think it worked because he nodded and his eyes once again darted to his mother. I nudged Danny and surreptitiously jerked my head towards them. He too froze as he saw his friend standing beside his mother, and the sign.

"Mum," I said quietly, so the Richmond's wouldn't hear. "Why are you in the Oncology ward?" I asked. She explained they didn't have enough room in the ward she needed to be in and that cancer was the least contagious illness here so they'd put her there. Me and Danny exchanged a glance, then told her in whispers that we knew the family next to her. She instantly told us to go comfort them. I would have no trouble with this if it weren't for the fact that I had no idea what to say. I tried telling her, but she just waved me on. We looked at each other apprehensively and walked round the side of the bed to reach theirs. I was now panicking. I couldn't just say, 'Hey Spencer, didn't know your mum had cancer, I'm sorry to hear that, do you want ice cream' but I had no clue what to say.

We reached their bed. Mr Richmond was talking to his wife quietly, and she was smiling and holding his hand. Eddie was half joining in with the conversation, half looking depressed. Spencer was just staring at his mother with a look of such despair and sadness that I put an arm round his shoulders. His eyes flickered to mine and then down again. I wasn't really paying attention to the 'men's conversation' on the other side of Spencer, but I vaguely got the gist that Danny was explaining what happened. I saw Mrs Richmond's eyes meet Spencer's and they both half smiled in unison. I was startled by how much they had in common.

"That your girlfriend, Spencer?" she asked in a weak yet playful voice. He smiled wider at her joke and even I cracked a grin. The thought was so ridiculous that I couldn't help it.

"No, mum. I go to school with her and she lives opposite us," he replied. She smiled.

"Well, you two would make a lovely couple. What's your name, dear?"

"Jess," I replied.

"Well, Jess, go treat my son to something to eat. He needs it," she added threateningly, directing the last part to Spencer. I smiled.

"Don't worry, I was going to anyway," I said. She nodded and said pretty much the same thing to Danny, only without the whole girlfriend thing. I led Spencer away out of the ward, waving at my mum and smiling. She smiled back. The moment we were out of the door I dropped my arm, as it had pins and needles. I knew I needed to say something but I hadn't a clue what.

"Spencer..." We'd stopped in the deserted corridor. I desperately searched through my mind for something to say. To my relief, however, he spoke before I could.

"Please don't tell anyone about this, Jess. About any of this." I looked at him and nodded.

"I promise I won't. This isn't gossip material Spencer." I said.

"Can you not tell about this either?"

"What?" And then I saw the tear roll down his cheek. I looked at him, speechless, as the silent tears fell, before getting my act together,

"I promise," I whispered, and wrapped my arms round him in a death hug. At least, it would have been a death hug if it had been anyone else, but he was so darn strong he probably didn't notice. He surprised me by hugging me back harder, his fingers digging into my shoulder blades. Once again I rested my chin on his shoulder - I was the perfect height for it to fit comfortably - and closed my eyes. He squeezed harder and harder, and I winced as he seemed to be crushing my ribs.

"Spencer..." I said, trying to pull away slightly.

"Sorry," he muttered, releasing me entirely and looking at the floor. I massaged my ribs and then looked at the tears still streaking down his face. In an act of pure what before I would have called idiocy, but now I called sensitivity, I reached up and brushed a tear away with my thumb. He flinched slightly - I had naturally cold hands - but relaxed. My hand hadn't left his cheek. It was resting against his warm skin, but I barely paid any attention. He was looking at me with a mix of emotions, but the one I picked out strongest was confusion. Sheer confusion. I guess it was probably because I normally hated him because he was a player and stuff and every now and then I would do something like this. I let my hand drop, feeling slightly self conscious, and gave him a second quick hug before leading him to the cafeteria, where we ate dinner in silence, wrapped up in our thoughts about our 'moment'.

There was one thought that out-did all the rest - Spencer may be confused, but I was ten times more confused by my mixed, seemingly bipolar feelings for him. Lots of questions reverberated round my head - most of which I didn't have the answer to. Did I like him or not? And if I did, why? Would I act upon it? What should I tell my friends?

My head a confused mass of swirling questions, I finished my meal and stared at the empty plate, willing for the answers to come.