Taking the Leap

Chapter 25

~Achilles~

I should have realized something was wrong sooner. It had been three weeks since the disastrous dinner and just as long since Xander had acted like his usual self. As winter thawed I had expected that Xander and I would be seeing each other more often, trying out different teas while curling up by the fire and that Xander would model his favourite line of designer thermal onesies.

Instead, Xander was distant, cancelling our last two date nights and still apologizing for the dinner. I almost last my patience after the third time he brought it up saying he was taking it harder than me. He'd visibly shrunken, only apologizing more and it had shaken me enough that I told him it was okay and I didn't blame him.

I barely saw him eat, or drink blood, and when we did spend the night together he kept tossing and turning in his sleep. Spending the night together didn't consist of anything other than sleep. I was getting frustrated but whenever I asked Xander what was wrong he would just say he was having a busy week. Eventually, in the past week he'd stop seeing me altogether. Whenever I'd ask to go over to his place he would refuse, saying he was tired or that he was busy.

But he'd never done that before and my irritation turned to growing concern. After a week of strangely stoic messages from Xander I used my spare key to go to his apartment. I'd messaged him the day before that I was coming over that evening no matter what.

Once I got into his unit, it took me a moment to realize what was wrong. The place was entirely spotless, obscenely clean. And when I walked into the kitchen Xander was on his knees scrubbing the floor with a cleaning fluid that had an extremely strong scent.

He looked up from the floor as though seeing me for the first time. His eyes were red shot,wide, and full of tears. Slowly, Xander stood up, wearing an unflattering baggy t shirt and loose shorts. Somehow in the week since I'd seen him, he'd lost weight. Or, maybe that had been happening all along and it was only apparent now.

His voice was quiet, "I tried to clean for you, in case you came over, but I don't know." I watched in horror as he started crying without making any sound. Tears just fell from his eyes, as he stood there almost hunched over. Nothing at all like the excitable, exuberant Xander that I knew. "I didn't want you to see me like this. Sometimes, I just get so sad, I didn't...know how to tell you,"

I touched Xander's shoulders, "Woah, let's just slow down. I'm so confused. What is going on?" But even then, I was putting the pieces together. That small, invisible distance that I felt between Xander and I, it was this, this abyss.

He was looking at me, and sniffling, rubbing at his face. "I can't explain it to you. I don't know how." His voice was broken, words slipping and sliding together but not making any sense.

"Xander, let's sit down, okay?"

"But, I— I haven't done anything all week. I've just gone to class, cancelled my office hours. The least I could do was clean the apartment and I couldn't even do that. I'm a fucking mess, no wonder your family hates you cause of me."

I guided Xander over to the couch, and went into his blood fridge, making sure to grab O negative.

I brought the packet but Xander just looked even more sad, "I'm not hungry."

"When was the last time you ate, huh?" I said, mapping out his body with my fingers, feeling that his chest was thinner, noticing his wrists were bony and his collarbones far too obvious. I curved a hand over his back, rubbing. My mate was suffering and I was just sitting here unable to do anything.

Xander crossed his leg on the couch, wrapping his arms around his middle. "I don't know. I've just been in my bed all week, I get sad, and then all I want to do is cry. And I can't stop thinking. I just keep thinking. It all goes back to Corey. It doesn't matter how much time passes. It goes back to him and I can't think and I just feel so—" Xander was squeezing his sides. "I feel so disgusting, and dirty, and ugly." He tapped his chest, "I feel so ugly inside and I just wish I could fix it, and start over on a clean slate. And the only thing I can do is clean my apartment but then everything gets clean and then it's just me and my thoughts and I can't stop feeling bad. And I'm a terrible boyfriend. When I said I was damaged goods, it's cause I'm not honest like you. I'm—" Xander let out a violent sob, still hugging himself. "I'm awful."