Sunflowers - Commentary Community

Promises - Memeulous

WARNING: mention of suicide, please proceed with caution!

You made me promise, promise that I'd be with you throughout everything. I was, I really was. I told you I'd be home for 7pm, at the latest and you smiled at me. Your beautiful eyes glimmered back at me and I felt the warmth in the bottom of my heart.

God I miss you, every small thing about you. Do you miss me? What's it like? Being in a different place, a different time, a different life. Do you watch over me like a guardian, or do you just exist in an empty land? Do you even remember me? Do I even exist to you?

I'm sorry, I just, I'm lost without you George. You were always by my side, always with me. You were always so, happy. Well, it looked that way on the outside. I knew things got rough, that's why we always made promises to each other. A constant reassurance that no matter what we could get through it together. Yet there was that one promise that was broken and here I am because of it.

I promised you that I would be home at 7pm and you smiled. You promised me you could handle it and you'd ring me if you needed me. You didn't though, did you George? No message, no phone call. Not from you anyways.

It was Will that found you, he's not recovered by the way. He's still a broken mess, still relying on every single one of us to get through a day. He can't be alone, he makes us message him every hour just so he knows we're okay. That's not your fault George, he wasn't to know. You weren't to know. But, you knew I'd find you. Was that okay? You'd let me see you in that way, but not anyone else. Was that fair George? Did you think I'd be able to handle it? Seeing you laid on the bed, pill bottle in one hand and a bottle of alcohol in the other. I was expected to handle that and be okay. Power through as though I hadn't watched the man I loved pass before me.

You were selfish, so selfish. Did you even think? Do you even think? God I wish I could just hold you one more time. I'd tell you one thing, one single thing. I'd say how stupid you are for doing that to us. You couldn't handle it, but instead of speaking you gave up. You just walked out on everything you had achieved.

I spoke to your mum today, she's as broken as Will. Do you even know what you've done to her George? Do you even care? Did you forget that she existed? George, you were such a fool. Why didn't you ring me, message me? Why didn't you do something? She's in denial George, she thinks you're going to burst through the door with that stupid lopsided smile on your face as if you've just gone on holiday for a break. You haven't though, have you? I saw you. I saw everything. I know you're not coming back, you had no intention of that.

Do you even realise how complicated you've made our lives? I'm not trusted with a drink, not even one. They think I'm drinking to drown my sorrows, maybe I am. Why does that matter? Oh, that's right. Because it's what you did! It's how you coped, or not if you think about it. It's how you gave up.

I'm not mad, well maybe a little bit. George, you had such an amazing life ahead. But now, now you're just dead. What has that achieved? Remember how hurt you felt, how numb and broken. You thought killing yourself would rid you of that pain, well it didn't. Do you know what it did? It simply passed from you to everyone around you and now it's worse, multiplied by a thousand. All because you thought it was best. You were so wrong, so fucking wrong.

What if this was me? What if you found me? Would you cope, would you be holding it together? Or would you give up? I'm strong, at least I'm trying to be. The world needs me, the guys need me. But you didn't care.

Take your drink, take your pills and just disappear. I don't need this anyone. I loved you George, with all my heart. But I cannot deal with this shit you've given me. My life was simple but now, now I've got a lifelong dread, hatred and belief that I didn't do enough. But what more could I have done? What did you want me to do? Am I meant to join you, am I meant to heal you in some way?

Just fucking come back George, I don't want to play this game anymore. Just come back home!

I wish I could Alex, I'm sorry. This was such a silly mistake. I want to take it all back.