Lost Notes from a Time of Despair

So...my life is crap

!!!TRIGGER WARNING dysphoria and self harm!!!!

I'm a senior and I only have a few weeks left in the school year. I should be focused on my work, my classes, and preparing for finals. I shouldn't be so focused on what I'm gonna do once the year's over. At least, that's what all the adults in my life are saying. 

But how the HELL  am I supposed to focus when I have no voice in how I'm seen?

I'm 17 and I STILL haven't gotten up the courage to ask my parents about maybe starting the transition process. I STILL haven't come out to my siblings, even though I really want to. I'm still super friggin stressed, and my grades have been down the friggin drain all year. 

I'm still wearing boy crap and forgetting that I have the option to change, I haven't gone clothes shopping since September, and I have barely any clothes I actually feel comfortable in. 

I still look like a boy, no matter how obsessively I shave in the morning. 

I still scratch my skin hard enough to raise marks with a mechanical pencil, and I still scream at my parents to avoid having to deal with my school crap. 

I'm still in an all-boys' school, and I still have to deal with all kinds of unsubtle crap from nearly everyone I know. 

And since I have work, I can't keep going to the GSA....which was one of the few things keeping me sane in the first place. 

I'm still not doing anything right. 

I just want it all to be over......