💔The Words That Weren't said 🖤

A part of my past

(Wow its been so long since I last wrote anything but that because a lot has happened since i last wrote but maybe I can change that.. this was actually written already i just never published it i dont know why..)

So I dont know if anyone is even bothered to read this but for those who are honestly I thank you for spearing your time, to read what im writing thank you.

 My reason for writing this book is not only to help me get past this but also to help those that may be feeling the same way and to hopefully give them some encouragement, showing them that lifes not all that bad if you see things in a different prespective, as hard as it because you are stronger than you think and you hold the key to your life, your happiness, your home, your world- everything, you are the one in control of your story, you are the one whos steering that wheel and youre not alone like you may think- look around you, you'll see that theres many who are supporting you, they have your back no matter what and if you look closely within this boat of yours that you are steering your actually not alone.. 

They each have a part in your boat, all the ones that love you play a big part in your life (boat) and they (your mother, friends, family) are the ones who take care of the sails during storms (problems) and the ones who'll be more than happy to help care for your boat (life). 

Thats how I see life, this was the way I taught myself- it wasnt easy and nor was it fast ... I'd say I learnt this the hard way, everything I wrote on here I learnt the hard way from such a young age and so I want to help those who are going maybe through something, I'd like to be there for you sadly I didnt have anyone there for me...  And if there was anyone they didnt believe a single word I said.. I was alone so im hoping to give yous something that I didnt have and thats someone whose there for you and who understands you instead of judging you and missunderstanding you.

 I know how it feels ive been through it all, honestly im shocked that I- myelf- is still here standing today alive, breathing- but the one thing I dont understand is how come I didnt change? why didnt my heart change? I know many people who went through similar things but they're now blank, numb, emotionless.. yet here I am still the same who cares and loves for everyone. (Even they themselves are confused when I let them in a little to my story. Maybe im just strange.)

I'm going to let yous into my life a little... so how far back should we go? 

lets take small steps- small-baby-tiny-steps (like someone told me) I know I may seem like a strong person but honestly that was just how I taught myself to be from everything that ive gone through and still going through (yeah my sufferment is still isnt over), including caring more about others happiness than my own..  yeah I know, I know but what can I do this is me, this is who I am and I have come to accept that which took a very-long-hard-painful-time to.

Lets start from the beginning.. 

Uhm as this is quite hard for me, reallllyyy hard for me to write this out, into the world for everyone to see and to do the one thing I have always tried preventing from happening and which is to be labled by people..

 So i'll be writing parts of my past if you get what I mean- so like i'm writing one part of my past from the very start and then the next chapter wont be continous of the past as it's very hard for me to write it out, as it's all so vivid and fresh in my mind. I'll write about other stuff like i've been doing and then when I feel okaii to write the next part i'll continue.

 (Do you get me?.. i'm sorry it's just hard to say this and honestly I dont think i'll ever be able to tell my therapist any of this.. I hope yous can understand.)

lets start from the very, very beginning. 

I was born into a loving-caring family oh so I had thought.. dont get me wrong im greatful to have a family not everyone is lucky to have one- But I am not happy as I could be, my life sadly wasn't a perfect one and by that I mean it wasnt as "family like" as it should be. No one is perfect that I know. Theres no picture perfect family this i only realised when i needed my family the absolute most, instead of being there for me they threw me out.. but i still love them, my heart just doesnt allow me to hate anyone as much pain they may bring to me which is exactly why people take advantage of me because they know ill still be here- its painfull not gonna lie but to me being there for them makes me happy because i always see the good in people haha.