Narcissistic abuse: my story

Highlights

I have been mentally abused, controlled, criticized, humiliated, neglected, rejected, falsely accused, threatened, shunned down, guilt tripped, and so on for as long as I can remember. Even way too long before I figured out it was abuse. My mother is the head of the problem. She is a narcissistic, manipulative, controlling person. To this day she has shown no remorse, no pain, no apology, no acknowledgement nor regret over all the damage and pain she has caused. My sister turned out to be a narcissist as well, whereas my father knows all the wrong she's done but continues to support and justify her evil. I remember all of the yelling, the sharp horrifying tone of her voice as she abused the entire family. But suffice it to address my own experience and story here. My mother would always complain every morning , sometimes missing a few, but the norm was waking up to her cursing and having a complaining, angry monologue about everyone and everything. Blaming everything bad and her own failures and bad decisions on us and everybody else but herself. She'd blame it on witchcraft, us (her family), everyone else in our life, making horrible comments about us in our presence and name calling, yelling, etc. It made me feel absolutely awful about myself, everything that I am and that I am a horrible disease and burden that the world would be much better off. It is far too painful to cite everything she's done but this is just one example of what it's like living in her presence and being under her influence. She made me feel depressed for a long time on and growing up. She always had the last word in everything everyone does, no matter how personal or minor it is. She controlled every aspect of my life, school, major, outfits, hairstyle, personal hygiene and care, food, friends, time outside, ways of spending time, dreams, goals, desires, everything. She forced me to change and choose school majors, never allowed me to go out by myself or friends at any time nor to visit them or have them visit me at home, to play by the door alone or with friends outside as a kid, falsely accused me and my school friends of perversion, mocked my dreams and goals and did everything in her power to stop me from achieving them. She destroyed my lifetime dream of getting into my dream art school. All of this so that I stay close to her so she can control me and my life. After finally managing to move out to a nearby town, she never stopped trying to get me back, and eventually did force me to move back into her abusive household. On top of all the things she's done, here's what she didn't do. She didn't show me love, affection, encouragement, care, interest. My mother didn't hold me, hug me, have deep, intimate, bonding conversations with me, she didn't want to have a close relationship with me, her daughter. She has always been this dictator reigning from above in her prideful throne. She's never apologetic nor willing to draw close to me, and dismisses my every attempt. I have pondered many times escaping from the house and going somewhere where she's not, where none of them is. I even attempted to once.

Examples come in handy, but they're not the point of this. The point is, I've lived my whole life under the roof of an abusive mother, both figuratively and literally speaking.