Kardemomme Kisses - Evak

• Jeg heter Isak •

"It's fine. It's the best gift in the world to see you happy. And if you need to change your body to be happy, that's totally fine. I'd do anything for you as long as you're happy. And I will always support you.
It's been a rough way and it will get even rougher, but when we're at the top of the first hill, we'll be able to climb the other ones as well. I'll come back from work around 6 pm, hold on until then. You're such a strong boy, Isak. You're way stronger than you think you are", Even said.
Isak smiled. Even was way too nice to him. He felt like he didn't deserve it.
"I'll see you at 6, baby. I love you so much and I will always support you", Isak said.
"Thanks, I'll see you later, love you", Even said before hanging up.

Isak felt a bit better now.
But as he was about to fall asleep, a flashback flew into his mind.

Flashback
"No! There's no way I'm going to call you 'Isak'! You're my daughter! Why can't you just accept the body that you were born with? I don't understand!", Isak's mother screamed.
It was this discussion again.
Isak had talked to her about him not feeling comfortable in his own skin and his mother always tried to avoid this topic.
But when Isak came home from school with short hair and boys clothes he had borrowed from his buddy Jonas, his mom lost it.
"What's going on?", Isak's father joined the discussion. "Your daughter is going on about that topic again", Isak's mother said, sighing deeply.
Isak's father just shook his head.
"Look, you were born as a girl. Can't you stop not accepting that?", Isak's dad said, sighing in annoyance.

That was it for Isak.
"Mom, dad, listen up! You don't know how it is to wake up every morning, seeing a body that doesn't feel like your own! You don't know how badly I want to use the men's bathroom, how badly I want to wear men's swimming clothes and how badly I want to pee against a fence! I don't want to have my period every month, because it reminds me that I am still trapped in that female body which I hate so much. You don't know how much I hate my own name. It feels like someone is pouring acid over me every time someone calls me by that name.
I would rather commit suicide that to live in this body for the rest of my life! No wonder why I'm depressed.
It's because of my body and that there's no way out of it!
And if you can't accept me for who I am, then I don't want to be your child no more!", Isak yelled at the top of his lungs.

All the pressure, self hatred and negativity that had been resting on his chest for over a year finally came out of him.
Isak's parents stood there, completely shocked at what Isak had said.
"Go to your room. Now!", Isak's father yelled.
"I can't believe this,", Isak's mother cried and his father hugged Isak's mother.
"You don't know what you're doing to me!", Isak's mother cried out.
"You don't know what you're doing to me! If you don't want to find my dead body in my room, you two better accept me for who I am!", Isak shouted angrily, before he stormed off to his room.

He packed all of his most important belongings into a small suitcase.
Carefully, he climbed out of his room's window.
While he was walking, he called his boyfriend Even.
"Hei baby. I'm on my way to your place now. I hope that's okay", Isak said, his bottom lip was trembling.
"Oh okay, did something happen?", Even asked concerned.
"Yes, I'll tell you later, love you", Isak said before hanging up.

End of Flashback

Isak didn't even notice that he had started crying again.
"God, I hate myself so much", he mumbled before turning around in his and Eve's bed.
Luckily, he was so exhausted from crying that he fell asleep very quickly.

6 pm came around.
Isak's eyelids fluttered.
After looking at the lock screen of his phone, he knew that Even would be home soon.
He heard the front door open. "Isi, I'm back home!", Even yelled, happy about being back home again.
He made his way into their bedroom.
Isak laid there, his eyes were shut in pain and he looked so incredibly sad.
"Halla Isak", Even said, giving Isak a kiss on his forehead as a greeting.
"Hello Even", Isak said, opening his eyes again.
He sat up, grimacing because of the pain. Even sat down next to him, pulling Isak into a hug.

"It's going to be okay", he whispered softly, placing kisses on Isak's forehead.
Isak intertwined their hands. "I thank you so much for being right by my side. Thank you for being so supportive", Isak said, being fully aware that it wasn't easy for Even to be a strong partner at his side.
Even was strong, but his bipolar disorder made it hard for him to be there at a hundred percent.
Sometimes he felt bad for having manic or depressive episodes, but Isak always made sure to show him that it was okay and that everything would be fine.
"And I thank you for loving me, even though I'm bipolar", Even said.
"I love you unconditionally and wholeheartedly, my love", Isak said, sighing softly.
"I honestly don't deserve you", he muttered, feeling so bad for bothering Even with his problems.
"Oh, you do deserve me, baby. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you", Even said, feeling bad for wasting Isak's time.
"Baby, don't say stuff like that. You deserve me, more than anyone else", Isak said, looking deeply into Even's eyes.

"Do you want to put on one of my shirts?", Even asked, knowing that Isak felt ten times more better in men's clothing. The grey hoodie was Even's, but he had no problem with Isak wearing it.
Isak nodded and Even got up. He came back with a green oversized hoodie. Isak took off the previous hoodie and put on the green hoodie.

"It smells so good, like you", Isak said.
"And what do I smell like?", Even asked.
Isak inhaled.
"Like the home I want to stay in forever", Isak responded, smiling at Even.
Even wrapped his long arms around Isak's small and thin body.
Starving himself had made Isak thinner, his hipbones and ribs were visible.
Isak was happy that starving himself made his breasts smaller, but at the same time it hurt Even.
"Have you eaten anything today, sweetheart?", Even asked, his fingers were wandering over Isak's collarbones.

Isak didn't want to lie to Even.
"No, to be honest. If I eat my body will keep on functioning", Isak said, exhaling.
"I know, that you want your body to stop producing hormones. But this won't work", Even said.
His heart broke whenever he saw Isak not eating anything for days. The longest Isak had starved himself were eleven days. He originally wanted to go for two weeks but he couldn't stand seeing Even that hurt.
"I know, I know but I need to do something to stop my body from becoming a woman's body. I'm 17 after all", Isak said, his voice sounded so full of sorrow and despair.
"Please eat something soon, sweetie. You don't have to eat tomorrow but eat at least someday. I've seen you weigh yourself and you weren't pleased with a weight of 89 lbs", Even said, shivering at the thought of Isak reaching a weight of 70 lbs or even less than that.

Isak started to cry again.
"I don't want to give my disgusting body anything anymore. I want to see it suffer", Isak cried out and Even hugged him even tighter.
"Baby, I'm right here. You don't need to do this, you'll get the surgeries done very soon. Trust me, after you've gotten the surgeries done you won't have to treat you body like that anymore", Even said, softly stroking Isak's back.

Since Isak was exhausted from the pain, he fell asleep very soon.
Even cuddled up closer to him, before he fell asleep as well.

What would the future hold for Isak?
He wanted to know so bad.
Hopefully he would be much happier in the body he had always wanted.
Hopefully.
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(Wortcount: 2265 words)

Finally I'm done writing this!
This was a mini rant on how I'm feeling since quite a while.
And no I'm not saying I'm transgender, I personally don't want to have a female's chest and uterus no more. And I don't think I'd be happy with a man's genital parts, that's why I'm feeling very helpless and down at the moment. I've tried to kill myself four times, unfortunately I never succeeded.
I can't get out of my body and that makes me so mad and upset. The only thing I can do to make my body look less female is by starving myself, which I've been doing since 2016.
(2016 was such a horrible year for me.)
I hope I didn't offend anyone with this. (If you want me to change something, leave a comment.)