Emotion Speaks: Illusions and Aches

Scenario 1

I entered 7/11 after walking as if almost a kilometre was a minute walk due to my anger. Stepped into the freezing blast of AC inside the store, I rushed to the beverages area and opened one refrigerator where the Peach flavoured Mogu-Mogu was put. I grabbed the 42 peso drink and registered it to the counter. After I bought the drink, I was already about to exit when Narvin entered rushing inside the store and held my wrist as he found me.

"Hey, please talk to me..."

I struggled my left hand out of his grip and freed myself from him.

"What's there to talk about, Narvin? You never cared for me! And, and... do you expect me to blame you for that? NO! Because at my most disadvantage, you're at your happiest position which I always wanted for you! To be happy!"

He bowed and looked down.

"What is more to this friendship? Only me drowning in my pain! I appreciate you, not breaking our friendship after I confessed to you. But what happened? I ended up losing myself to this fucking, fake world I created for myself where we live together, happy and filled with romantic joy. And you don't want me to stop talking to you after I've always received slaps of the hurting reality that nothing can ever, EVER, happen between us?! That this relationship won't level up and upgrade than the current friendship we have right now?!"
I screamed to him, not bothering about the other customers looking and taking videos at us.

"What do you want?"

"You ask me what I want?! Do you really want to know?! FORGETTING YOU! Yes. Forgetting you, of course. Could've asked for more but this."

My tears started flowing out from my eyes.

"I could've wanted your time. Your genuine friendship that you give to other guys like Sky and Delver and Vernicka! I wanted more of your words! But guess what?! Sky recently enlightened me, that maybe, you don't give your everything to the relationship between us because you know that I loved you so much and they're just friends, with greater potential of heightened brotherhood between you. Yeah. Of course, it was because I am gay! And for that, you always don't give me the same treatment as how you treat them! I'm sorry if I was gay! I'm sorry for loving you! I'm sorry for liking you at the very first place! I'm sorry for giving you so much without any benefit for me! I'm sorry for everything! I'M SO, SO SORRY FOR BEING BORN INTO THIS WORLD, DIFFERENT AND DEVIANT! THIS IS NEVER YOUR FAULT, YOU HEAR ME?! IM VERY SORRY!"

I was already crying so much that I could not see anything and related the crying to one of Lany's songs, Thru These Tears.

"This is not your fault... I am sorry. But I have to end even the friendship we have. You love my jokes? Okay. You love my laugh? Okay. You love my waacking techniques even if you specialized with locking? Okay. But did you ever loved the whole me? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....Shit. Still. It's never your fault... It was my bidding."

I calmed down a bit but my heart continued palpitating. And it already felt so hot when the room was blasting winter season earlier.

"There's nothing to talk about but I guess I talked so much. I never knew venting my anger and jealousy towards the person I love would be relieving and at the same time, painfully killing me."

I started to see drops of his tears falling down from his eyes.

"I should be the only one crying right now. You don't have the right to cry. Like how I don't have the right to demand all of these things from you. Come on. Let's forget each other now..."

It seemed to ring a bell in him that he suddenly looked at me with those pitiful eyes. My heart ached so much after seeing him in tears because of me. I never wanted to hurt him. It wasn't my intention to.

"NO!"

He screamed. My heart aches again, and that time, it lasted for a walloping 6 seconds that I started grinding my teeth and formed my fists.

"Come on. I'm just a friend, right? What could hurt to lose a friend you didn't care for? After all, if we continued this friendship, I'm gonna end up hurting myself again. Come on. I don't wanna hurt myself anymore. I'm no more than the smallest matter you could give attention to."
I invited him with a sad smile. He just looked at me and he started to let out his crying voice. He then covered his eyes with his right hand's middle and thumb finger and continuously cried. I could not bear seeing him in that state. So I walked slowly to the store's door. Before I could open it, he grabbed my wrist all of a sudden. He pulled me and back hugged me

"No, please. Don't go..."

His chin was on my shoulder. And I could clearly hear his masculine voice.

"What are you trying to imply now, Narvin? That you changed your perspectives now? That you already love me?"

He just nodded and I knew that through the movement of his chin. It was pressing unto my shoulders.

"It's too late, my love. You're very late."

I told him.

"No! I'm never late! We can still fix this!"

I could not comprehend with the very time that he started to reciprocate my feelings, but my choice was already final, without any doubt and fear.

"The first time we met, we said 'Let's be friends.'"

I removed him from me and I gazed at his crying eyes.

"Now that I'm saying goodbye, I want to say 'Let's be strangers.'"

"Please don't do this to me..."

I insisted further.

"Let's pretend like we didn't know each other. I know it's just pretending. But maybe, as we live on through that kind of thinking, we would later believe it as a real thing."

I smiled at him and averted my gaze as I faced the door and walked out the store while I slowly opened the drink and gulped it down, never looking back to the tethered friendship I cut and destroyed for the very first, true and genuine benefit for myself.