Niall's Secret Sister

Chapter 9

Oh no, he probably thinks I like him.

I need to go to him and talk to him about it, but at the same time I don’t want conversation with him. I don’t know what will happen if I face him. What if I lose myself staring into his eyes? What if looking at his lips will make my urge stronger?

I felt myself beginning to panic. I can’t do this. I can’t let Zayn back into my life. I just can’t do it.

He broke me, he messed me up just by doing the simplest thin; leaving. And if he can do it once he can do it again and now I’m just setting myself up to get hurt.

Wait what am I thinking? There is nothing going on between us and nothing will ever happen between us.

I’ve been strong for so long, adding one more thing to my pile of messed up things won’t break me down. I’ve trained myself to keep people away from me and I know what I’m doing.  This shouldn’t be too difficult.

Especially because I don’t like Zayn.

Right

Oh boy, look at me trying to convince myself, I shouldn’t need to do that anyways. Because I don’t like Zayn.

And that’s final.

I was disturbed from my thoughts when my door was opened and shut, and I heard footsteps come towards my bed and a weight now denting it. I looked over to see the one and only Zayn Malik.

“What do you want?” I said bitchily rolling my eyes at him as I shuffled myself into a sitting position.

“I want to go on a walk and you’re coming.”

“It’s too late Zayn; can’t we just go in the morning or something?”

“No we’re going now let’s go,” He said getting off the bed and dragging me along with him.

I rolled my eyes and ignored the tingling feeling I got as Zayn’s hand was pressed against my back as he made she I was walking with him.

“Why are you taking me out on a walk?” I mumbled as I slipped on a pair of flip flops as I followed Zayn out the door.

“Because I want to talk to you,”

“What’s there to talk about Zayn, you know everything already.”

“That’s the problem, I don’t. And I want to know everything.”

“I think you know enough as it is, and what’s more to talk about? I have a fucked up life, there now you know everything.” I said bitterly as I leant against the building as Zayn was next to me.

He pulled out a cigarette and puffed it as though he was letting out a sigh.

I looked over at him, getting thing feeling in my stomach that I didn’t want to be there, but it was. It was a good feeling and that was the problem. When I look at Zayn, I can automatically see that he cares about me and that he wants to help me. I also see sympathy and love.

“Just tell me the things I don’t know, please.” He said softly looking into my eyes. I quickly moved my glare so I would get lost.

I looked up into the dark cloudy sky as I said “It’s not an easy thing to explain. And anyways not much has changed since you left; everything just happened more often, especially the sex for money thing.”

He looked hurt, and surprised I was able to say that so easily.

“Just tell me one thing; you know how that guy tried to force himself on you? Has that happened before?”

“Well yah, it happened a lot actually, but usually I just have to finish.” I mumbled not really comfortable with the choice of topic.

I turned to face him and noticed that his jaw was clenched and his hands were rolled into fists as his tongue wiped his teeth.

He looked lost of words until he finally turned around to face me.

“I-I’m so sorry.”

“Zayn you don’t need to be sorry.” I said laughing slightly.

“How can you laugh? This isn’t funny Allison. God dammit, I knew I should have stayed.” He said loudly then drifting his voice. He threw his cigarette on the ground and smushed it with his feet. He then faced the ground as he put his hands through his hair

I hesitantly placed my hand on his shoulder turning him to face me.

“Zayn, I hope you know none of this is your fault. I know I’ve blamed you in the past but, it was just out of anger.”

He softly grabbed my arms and turned them so he was now looking at my wrists, holding them now tightly so I was no longer able to try to turn them around.

“Tell me I didn’t cause any of these. Especially after I left,” he said as he slid his finger across her my cuts, looking at every scar, ever healing cut.

I looked him in the eyes, not sure what to say. Yes I did cut myself when he was gone, only because I was scared and I didn’t know what to do, but I couldn’t just say that to him. It would devastate him.

“No of-”

“You’re lying- I knew it, I’m so sorry Ally bear I didn’t know I could ever hurt you so badly. I wasn’t thinking about you enough and now look what I’ve done. I am so sorry, and I understand if you can’t forgive me because look- I’ve hurt you so much and it’s visible.”

I looked up at him, locking eyes with his as my heart beat began to race faster and faster. I looked down at his lips then back to his eyes, multiple times actually, and it wasn’t helping me want to not pounce on him right at this moment.

All the memories we had together all jolted through my head at once. We had so many good times together and I hate to admit this but I really do miss him. He was my best friend and it’s hard just to forget something so good that was once and your life.

I felt my eyes start to water, just by thinking of those memories, and to hear Zayn apologise with all seriousness made my stomach get into knots. The cold air breezed its way to me causing me to get chills onto my bare naked arms, causing me to gain goose bumps.

He noticed and pulled me into his arms. His warm body now making contact with mine, I slid my arms around him holding him tight. I knew that this isn’t going to help in the long run but I just needed this right now.

I felt a tear leak from my eye and I tried to hold the back, but it wasn’t working. Letting one tear out opened the gate to letting the rest of the tears I’ve been holding up for the past few years just pour.

He held his grip around me tighter. “It’s ok, everything is going to be okay,” He whispered into my hair as he kissed the top of my head.

That safe feeling I once got from Zayn was now back again. It always in his arms that I get this feeling, and I’m not sure if this is good or bad.

He rubbed my arms, trying to ease the goose bumps but what he didn’t know was that his warm and welcoming touch was what was causing them to now stay,

I lightly pulled back so I was no longer leaning my head into his now tear stained chest. He wouldn’t let me go so now I was just looking up at him, locking eye contact with him.

He bit his lip as he looked down into my eyes. I could tell that he was thinking about what he should do.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you,” he said, his voice was dull and cracked while he spoke.

I gave him a look with my eyes that said that it was ok. That I forgave him and all I want was his lips on mine.

I guess he didn’t understand because he just took off his sweater and placed it on me then grabbed my left hand and entwined it with his right as he continued to walk in a peaceful silence.