Point Blank

XXII

~Kaitie~

People say that you should live every day like it was your last. 

Of all the ways I could've imagined I would die, death at the hands of a faceless mugger, who apparently mistook me for someone else, was the worst way to go.

It seems like I had a lot left to do with my life, and I had very little time. It had been dark in the alley, which could only mean nightfall, and there was less than seventeen hours to midnight. 

Tonight I will die.

How meaningless had it all been? Crying over my broken family, falling into pieces over Tristan, losing Jeremy. Nothing was going to matter anymore. 

There were a lot of grudges holding me back, the biggest one being my mom. I haven't spoken to her since Jeremy. I couldn't even look her in the eyes; I had subconsciously blamed her for the tragedies that befell me, when it wasn't even her fault. 

Thinking back on it, I needed someone I could blame all my problems on and my mother happened to be the perfect scapegoat. 

My mom and I had never been that close. She had blown up as an actor when I was a toddler. Coming to think of it, I doubt we had a single photo together. I cannot remember a single memory of ours, and suddenly I feel sad. Not angry, or irritated, just... sad. 

I pick up my phone. Mom answers on the second ring.

'Kaitie?' Her voice is breathless, like she rushed to get to the phone. 'Kaitie,' A twinge of worry. 'You still there?'

She thinks I will hang up on her.

'I'm here, mom.'

She cries. In all of my twenty three years of existence, not once have I heard her cry. She cries, her sobs conveying her anguish.

'Mom.'

'I miss him, honey.'

Jeremy. 

'Me too, mom.'

Silence. 

'I love you, Kaitie.'

Tears well up in my eyes. She never once said that to me either.

'It hurts so fucking much.' 

I've never heard her curse.

'I know it does, mom. Jeremy will always be a part of our family. We'll always miss him. But it will hurt less.'

'It is because of me, isn't it?' The break in her voice is evident. 'Because of me and my search for love, he's gone. My darling, darling little boy. And the last thing I told him was that he was such a sorry excuse for a son. God, how could I?'

Mom cries harder. 

I had been wrong. She had put on a mask for the funeral, before hundreds and thousands of people, yes. But she was grieving, in ways I could never imagine. But she hid her grief from the world, from me. That's who she was - an actress. 

'Don't blame yourself. Jeremy died because he was driving drunk at night. You are starting something new, mom. Let Jeremy be the one who gives you hope to begin again, not a memory that drags you down.'

My mother sighs. 

'You really love Peter, don't you?'

'Kaitie. Peter makes me happy. What we did was wrong and I am really sorry I hurt Stratham. He is a really good man, and he didn't deserve it.  I feel guilty, but I don't regret loving Peter.' 

Pause. Sigh. 'He makes me happy,' she repeats.

I smile. 'I'm happy for you. For you, Peter, and the baby.'

My mother breaks down again. 

'It's a girl, Kaitie.'

'Wow,' I say, something twinging around my heart as I realize I won't live long enough to see my sister. 'You have any names in mind?'

'None, whatsoever.' She says, and I can see her smiling, her genuine smile, rather than the ones for the paparazzi. 'I'm so glad you called, Kaitie.'

'Me too, mom.'

It was long overdue anyway. As we bond over the phone, in ways we never had, with her sharing her love for Peter and how he helps her get back onto her feet, I realize that maybe this would be the last time I ever hear her voice.

'Okay. Kaitie,' She sounds very, very reluctant. 'I have to go, but I promise I'll call you back in half an hour, okay?'

'It's okay, mom. You really don't have to. We'll talk later.'

'Seriously, Kaitie, there is absolutely no problem - '

'It's okay, really. And Mom?'

'Yes?'

'I love you too.'

/*\*/*\