ICARUS - Hawks x Reader

TWENTY FIVE: Insecurities

I can't even look him in the eyes...I don't want to see the truth...

Hawks didn't make a move to hold me again. The soft sigh he released contradicted the way his hands seemed to tense up, and he shifted his weight from one bare foot to the other.
"I've been...organising some stuff..." He started, almost sounding unsure. "...I know I've been gone a whole lot...and it really sucks...bu-"

Neither of us were really expecting the sharp slap I delivered to his face. My hormones were swiftly taking over, and the stinging of my palm was numbed by my raging anger and upset.
"It sucks?! You're d..damn fucking right it sucks, you..you fucking prick..!" Tears were swimming down my cheeks and dripping off my chin again, but I didn't care. I was willing to succumb to such a breakdown.

At least have the decency to give me more than that, even if it is a lie!

"Y..you've missed every appointment since that first scan..! The way you've been acting...disappearing for so long...even more than a day on end...It's like you think this is a fucking game you can just p..pause! Do you know how h..hard it is...laying awake every night...wondering if you'll even come home?! If you're alive?! If you'll c..crawl in next to me smelling like fuck knows who else?!" God, I wanted to lay into him. I wanted to beat his face into the carpet and spit every insult that ever existed at him, but I couldn't do anything more than stand there and shake like a leaf.

Hawks' wings drooped so low that they hit the floor, and I could hear the dry sound of his lips trying to form some kind of response. Not once did I look up into those amber eyes. I was scared of what I would see.
"(Y/N)...I..." Hearing my actual name in his voice; so overwrought, made me feel so fucking heavy. "...I'm so sorry...I...know I can't say it enough...but...I..I promise you...I swear on my life...and the entire world around us...that I am not having an affair..."

I can't even look at him...but...

His voice was sincere. Even the energy that was flowing out of him felt sincere, and it caused a fraction of my doubt to wash away.
"Th..then why..? C..can't you just tell me why..?" Voice breaking, I hugged myself tightly, and I saw his hand instinctively twitch, wanting to reach out to me.

"Th..there have been rumours...Sightings of those Nomu things...in all these different places..." He began, still keeping his distance. "I was asked to check them all out...but...it was a classified case...I wasn't supposed to breathe a word to anyone about it..." He was so guilty, just standing there, finally giving me a truthful explanation, but I couldn't shake that small, nagging feeling that something was off.

"So...you've been...checking out all those different places..?" That would have explained why he was always so sore and tired upon returning to me, but there were still so many open ends.
"Yeah...I know, I should have told you...but...I didn't want to worry you..." Hawks uttered a sad, dried out chuckle. "...Obviously I didn't think..."

"Then...what about..." I couldn't bring myself to directly ask about that damn smell. That was where my insecurities peaked, and I could tell that he understood that.
"I've gone to visit Endeavor a few times...I want his help, but I kind of need to butter him up before even considering telling him about it...When I open my mouth, it's like no matter what I say I've insulted him...so he's sent a few teenie fireballs my way..." He rubbed his ankles together guilty, and my legs began to buckle.

So...that smell was Endeavor..? That...explains the smoke...but...

A weak sob slipped from between my lips, and I pushed forward so that my head rested against Hawks' bare chest, my fists pathetically thrashing against his collar bone.
"F..fuck you..!" I wailed, completely contradicting myself by accepting his loving, calming embrace. With his face now tucked in the crook of my neck, he planted a soft, tender kiss to my skin.
"From now on...no matter what...I promise I'll tell you what's going on..."

Then...why do you still sound like you're hiding something..?

We stayed like that for a good, long while as I cried out my relief and frustrations, until I noticed something. The opened, half filled suitcase sitting at the end of the bed.
"Then...where are you going with that..?" Straightening himself up, Hawks followed my gaze and curled a wing over my shoulders.
"Uh...yeah...about that...I've gotta head out to Kyushu for a few days...I'm bringing Endeavor along to officially discuss our partnership..."

Oh...

It hurt beyond belief that he was going to spirit himself away, likely only telling me hours before, if at all.
"I...see..." I murmured; tight in the throat, and Hawks fidgeted and bit at his bottom lip for a long while before he turned to me with a wonky smile.
"How about...you come with us? I hate leaving you alone...and we can buy some new stuff for our baby girl! Plus you can finally meet Flame Daddy for real!"

Taken aback, I turned to him with likely the most hopeful (E/C) eyes I'd ever given him.
"R..really..? You'd actually take me with you..?" Excitement was quickly drowning my sorrows, and I didn't notice Hawks falter; a drip of sweat forming on his brow, before he swept me up in a spin.
"Gotta keep both my girls happy, don't I?" He laughed, setting me down and placing a soft hand on my pregnant stomach.

Almost every doubt about him was gone from my mind, now, and I leaned up on my tippy toes to press a rather sloppy kiss to his forehead.
"You still think there's a girl in there, huh? What if they're a boy?" I chuckled, almost melting into him as he pulled me to sit on the side of our bed and kneeled before me, nuzzling his head against the swollen bump.

"Call it...Papa's intuition! Even if it is a boy, as long as they're happy and healthy, that's all I care about..." He smooched at my taut skin, that was beginning to show signs of impending stretch marks. "Are you ready to meet uncle Enji, bubba? You gonna kick him right in the nose? Of course you are!"

I fucking love this idiot...

Laughing, I combed my fingers through his flyaway locks.
"There's no way I'm letting him that close to my stomach, you dork..." Flicking him on the ear, I suddenly scrunched my nose and looked down at him in mock disgust.

"Did..did you seriously refer to him as...Flame Daddy..?"

.
.
.
.
***Yes, I'm still trying to get this fic updated as much as I can...but damn, Horikoshi...I'm begging you...please give us more to work with...***