I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 10

By meeting her, this girl became a reality and not just some figment of Cammie's imagination that manifest itself in her dreams. The initial panic that Cammie had felt from her Dream was nothing compared to what she felt now. Her heart raced, stomach twisted, and nausea swept through her. There wasn't any denying that this was reality now. She had the Dream and the girl had Dreamed of Cammie; there was no denying the recognition that had crossed both of their faces. The barista had instantly realized who Cammie was. And If she had Dreamed of Cammie, there was no way Adam could Dream of Cammie now, she had already been taken.

Cammie felt as if an invisible hand was slowly crushing her skull. Panic poured through her. It had been so easy to tell herself that all of this wasn't real, that it was a fluke, that there was no way any of this could happen. But she had seen the girl. And the girl had seen her. They both recognized each other instantly, she knew. The girl's face lit up. There was no hiding from this now.

She peddaled her bike faster and faster, escaping from the coffee shop, escaping from the city, escaping from her head.What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

Once again, she found her body moving of its own accord.

*Cammie climbed up an empty lifeguard tower and stared out into the ocean. The sun was sinking below the horizon, coloring the world beautiful shades of purple and orange. The seagulls squacked and the waves lapped the shore in a rythmic hum.Cammie pulled her knees in close to her body and hugged herself close. She had been able, for the most part, to keep the floodgates of panic closed just enough that only a few leaks here and there had managed to trickle through. The torrent of emotions she held back, though great, had been blocked off. But now,with the knowledge that the girl was completely real, she felt powerless, like her arms were finally too tired from holding the door. The tears came again. She seemed to have as much control over her tears as she had control over her future.How could this happen?She wanted to disappear, to be anywhere but where she was, be anyone else.How could this happen?Maybe an eternity would pass and no one would look for her. No one would worry where she was and she could disappear, be someone else. Forget about everyone and everything and start over.How could she Dream of a woman?Sure, it was easy for Jess to blow everything off, throw a middle finger in the air and walk away from all expectations, all responsiblity. If anyone in this family should have Dreamed of a woman it should have been her! She would have been okay with it. Their parents had long ago stopped caring what Jess did. This would have just been one more nail in the coffin. But for Cammie to Dream of a woman? For Cammie to besmerch the family name? What would her parents think? What would they do?

Jess had advised Cammie to tell Adam the truth, to come clean and break everything off. Cammie fingered the hearts of the necklace that felt like a noose around her neck. She had accepted Adam's promise. How could she back out now? What would she even say to him?

Another wave of unbearable emotions crashed against Cammie like she was a small row boat in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane.

How could she fight this?

Cammie was shocked out of her dark thoughts by a hand grabbing her shoulder. She leapted from fright, her heart hammering even faster than before. Savannah stood before Cammie, her face colored with worry.

Without a word, Savannah swooped in and enveloped her friend in a hug.

"How did you find me?" Cammie croaked.

"You were supposed to be home today and I didn't know where you were. I called you and texted you and you didn't answer, so I looked up your location on your phone. I'm sorry, I was worried about you."

"Oh."

"You've been sitting here for a while," Savannah said. "And it's not exactly nice beach weather."

Cammie didn't reply.

"What's going on?" Savannah gently pulled her friend's face toward her and wiped away the smeared makeup and tears with the sleeve of her sweater.

Cammie was completely unsure of how she even planned to answer such a question. She hadn't figured out a response to that question quite yet. What was she supposed to tell someone? She's gay? Because that's not. She Dreamed of a girl? Sure, but what did that mean?

Cammie's words were caught in her throat, unable to even find the answer to such simple questions. Instead, she shook her head, gasping on breathes, trying to calm this anxiety swirling inside of her, mixing everything up and replacing truth and sense with lies and deciet.

"You know I'm always going to be here for you," Savannah whispered, a small voice of reason, of comfort. It had, however, the opposite effect.

It caused Cammie to crack, to break. All of the tape and jerryrigging she had used to tie herself up and seal the holes, to keep the breaks from completely falling apart, broke with Savannah here. What would Savannah think? Would she be repulsed? Would she not want to be friends anymore? She probably wouldn't want to hang out, be as close. Savannah probably thought Cammie was attracted to her and would try and do god knows what. What if Savannah wanted to move out?