N Has Fallen

XXV - Saudade

He turned around to face her. What she saw was an expression he never used on her before. So cold, unfeeling, void of any emotion, arctic face with grey eyes boring to her. "Don't you get it? I don't want to be with you. I tried saying it your way to not hurt your sensitive feelings but you're just too darn dense are you?" Her mouth hung open, her hands voluntarily let go of his arms.

She swallowed a big lump in her throat. She didn't know what to say to him. "I-I was just t-trying to help you in any way I c-can."

"I don't need your help. Do I look like I need help from a naive girl like you? You're too incapable for Pete's sake!"

She hung her head in shame. What he said was true but he was never the person she thought that would say these kind of things to her. What was wrong? What changed? They were okay yesterday. "I-I'm sorry." For a moment, she didn't hear him say anything but she was aware of his eyes on her.

"Go home." She heard his footsteps, he was walking away from her.

"I did something wrong, didn't I?" She asked him in a small voice, silent tears falling from her eyes. She saw him stop in his tracks. What did she do? It only made her tears pour out more. She wiped away the stubborn tears that left her eyes, scolding herself for being a cry baby. She knew she wasn't perfect, she was an idiot and she was stupid. But she thought he was the only one who didn't think about her like that? "What did I do wrong? I promise I would change." She was tired of fitting in for people who didn't like her, tired of being hurt all her life but for Noah she was willing to change. She knew he loves her. An emotion like that displayed clearly on his face, he can't lie about that. She didn't want him to leave her.

He heaved a sigh and turned to face her. "Nothing. You did nothing, just go home, please."

"I c-can't." How could she tell him that he is her home? But he was pushing her away and she didn't know why. She couldn't go home. "Tell me what's wrong, please." Her voice was barely audible. Every time he opens his mouth, it felt like cold shards of glasses piercing her heart.

She heard him coming towards her. She felt his cold hands on her shoulder, his temperature seeping into her school uniform. "You want me to be honest?" With tear streaked face, she looked up and faced him. She nodded, staying silent, waiting for him to say anything.

He looked at her straight in her eyes and with his arctic voice he told her something she thought she would never hear him say. "I didn't love you." It was like being thrown off a swing.

"Stop lying." Why is he lying to her? The more he lies, the more he is hurting her.

"I'm not. You wanted me to honest, there I said it." This isn't her Noah.

"No, you're lying. Why are you doing this? Tell me, please." She pleaded. "If you claimed that you didn't love me then why do you look so happy when you're with me? Why do you look at me l-like," she paused, finding the right word and searching for her voice, "l-like you love me? And I know you mean it. I can see it. Stop lying."

"The only reason I stuck with you was because I didn't want to feel indebted." She stepped away from him. His hands that were gripping her shoulders fell limply at his sides.

"W-what do you mean?" Tears continued to flow out from her eyes.

"I told you I loved you because of that stupid letter. I felt obligated to do it. You saved my life, I wanted to thank you for that." She can't read his face, there was nothing there. He was staring at her but it looked like his soul was not there. It felt like she was talking to a statue.

A lone sob reached her ears. She realized it was coming from her when her eyes became blurry even more. Her heart was torn into fragments as one by one she fit all the puzzle pieces together. "You pretended to love me even though you don't just because you thought you would repay me? Because you said I saved your life? You pretended to love me and stuck with me just because of that letter?" She voiced out her thoughts.

He only gave her a solemn nod. "I'm sorry." He was too well composed, like all of this was scripted. Like all of these were planned.

"You're lying. You're lying Noah. We were fine yesterday. You're saying these things because you didn't want me to get involved in your mess, aren't you?" She saw his eyes widen a fraction but the expression was gone as quickly as it came. "You're saying these to protect me, right? You're pushing me away because you wanted me to leave you just so I would be safe, right?" She might be an idiot but she wasn't dumb.

"If that's what you believe. I can't change it. I never lied. I already explained myself. We're done. If you still think of me as someone I'm not then I'm sorry to disappoint you. If you still believe that I loved you, I can't do anything about that. I can't change that." She wanted him to stop speaking. To stop lying. Each word he lets go, it torments her whole being. Sending painful blows to her heart. She wanted him to stop there but then he spoke. "One thing won't change though, I never loved you." And with a last arctic glare, he walked away. Leaving her, wondering what went wrong.

She saw him hopping on his bike and then speeding away. Maybe she'd become brainless for a moment and perhaps watching too much dramas made her do what she did. She chased him fully aware she can't outrun his bike. Her tears were falling, not stopping even when she wanted it to, her heart was beating loudly inside her chest with every step she took making it harder for her to breathe. But no matter how fast her legs were taking her, she couldn't reach him. It was like a nightmare where running is futile because your feet is planted on the ground. Her feet soon gave out, making her stumble. Her knees and palms were bleeding but that pain was nothing compared to what she felt inside her chest.

She sobbed. Clutching her heart in her bleeding palms. Why does it hurt? She let her tears fall, wondering if her heart was bleeding too. Wondering what's wrong with her. What can she change about herself? Why do people hate her? And the least person she expected to hate her was the only person she loved her whole life.

Now watching him speed away from her until she no longer see him, she can't help but ask herself, was all of it pretence?