ALL THE LOVELY BAD ONES | CARL GRIMES

thirty. heaven help the fool

My life was over. Destroyed. The thought of ending everything in that moment looked welcoming once more, as this was going to kill me anyways.

And what about Carl?

Oh, God. Carl.

Suddenly, I was running barefoot out of the house and down the sidewalk. All the incriminating evidence stuffed in my sleeve.

The sky was the color of green tea, fading into evening. There were birds somewhere in the distance, chirping cheerily. The world seemed a pleasant place. Calm. Serene. How easily it hid the disaster brewing.

"Hello?" I called out as I opened the neighboring door. Silence. Negan had left an hour ago but they were probably still handling the aftermath.

No one was here. And even if someone was, if Carl was, could I even speak it? Could I bring myself to say the words?

I felt like I was suffocating. I didn't feel safe. I was stupid for thinking I was. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The past three months had proved that, and this was it. The final nail in the coffin.

I couldn't be here. I couldn't stay. Not right now.

On a scrap of paper, I scribbled a vague 'I'll be back' and 'Don't worry' in my awful left-handwriting. A sick part of me mused that the former of the note could be just as much of a lie than the latter.

Maybe I wouldn't be back. It was probably better for everyone if I didn't.

I went over the wall. Like the coward I was.

x-x-x-x-x-x

I stayed the night in the abandoned truck. I didn't sleep. I thought about Carl. I screamed into the steering wheel. I killed some walkers. I thought about Carl. I seriously contemplated suicide. I punched a tree. I felt so stupid about punching a tree that I punched another one. I screamed some more. I came across another walker. I tried to not think about Carl. I thought about Carl anyways. I killed the walker instead of letting it kill me. At some point, I became so mental, I started laughing at the thought that after everything this would be what happens to me. No sin goes unpunished. You reap what you sow.

Eventually, I realized all I was doing was putting off the inevitable, hiding from it. Being a weak, little orphan, so pathetic and pitiful, leaving the way I did. What did leaving even help with? What did wandering around aimlessly in the woods do? Nothing. It was just stupid. That's all.

And the more I thought about Carl, the more I knew he would never forgive me if I just upped and screwed off into the unknown, and he'd curse my name until the end of time if I killed myself, so I couldn't do that either.

But why did I care what he thought? Because I've always cared what he thought, that was why. Because I cared, I cared, I cared. No matter how hard I tried not to. At the end of the day, it was he who I went back to every time. And he accepted me, as I was. However, I knew that sharing this information would seriously change things.

Eventually, the walls of Alexandria loomed between the trees.

I stood there in the dirt, taking my time, taking too long.

Maybe Carl was right. Maybe I did have a pride issue.

Finally, I went back over.

I didn't go back to the house, instead I went to the last holy place left in my life. Where I could pretend I was eleven years old and shit hadn't hit the fan yet. Where I could ignore the storm brewing in the distance for a little, selfish moment longer.