call me again → cmbyn ✔

17-identical

← ✰elio✰ →

i awoke this morning with the tears dry on my cheeks, oliver left shortly after our chat but not before spilling a few more hidden details. i'm with elijah, it's safe with elijah.

but it's not passion

i took out my diary the same morning and scribbled down what i could make sense of in my head, my emotions have gone haywire as of late and the need to scream, laugh and cry had increased overwhelmingly.

"to love is not a crime" the words fell from my lips and onto the page, i signed off this entry 'oliver' and prayed to god no one would see it.

after i'd had some reflection time, i made my way downstairs to be greeted by elijah, the sight of him made me smile but it also made me feel the smallest bit of guilt in the pit of my stomach.

guilt, was a new feeling for me. all my life i've been taught by my parents to never be guilty of the way you feel, as it is never truly your fault. i brought this onto myself because of pure envy, and for that i must pay.

we quickly found our usual spot in the orchard, rolling around the floor wrapped in each other. this time it felt different, it felt all wrong.

elijah always wanted to me to take control. he would always roll us over if i was underneath him, and though that isn't something that bothers me, me and oliver worked together. i know it sounds stupid, i shouldn't be comparing the two of them but, i cant stop myself today.

"our nicknames are both eli" i suddenly blurted out, it ruined the atmosphere we'd created.

if he was with oliver the man would've laughed and kissed me.

stop it elio! why can't i get him out of my head? i thought i was over this, this whole thing.

i excused myself from the situation, elijah making up some excuse that he had to take care of his little sister. i knew it had hurt him that i stopped our contact so quickly, i made a mental note to apologise. i did have some extra thinking time consequently.

my mind began to wonder over last winter, after i'd got the news. the summer previous i'd been stuck whilst writing a song. and after i found out of the betrayal i almost felt a need to finish writing.

and so i did, and now i will again. i will relive the pain to prove to myself the love is not real. its nostalgia.

my fingers moved over the keys like they'd never left, the motions felt like second nature, the playing was the easy part. it was the feeling bit that made me want to stop, but i pushed on; telling myself that this man, this boy who had caused more pain than he would ever know, wasn't good for me. he wasn't the person i'm meant to end up with.

who are you meant to end up with?

i don't need to know yet, i've got my whole life. what does eighteen know?

but it all got too much for me, it all became too real. i was leaving for school in two weeks, (the news of which came shortly after in a letter) this connection i felt had to be cut loose for what felt like the millionth time, but what would be the last time. it would evidently be better for the both of our lives.

i told my father of my decision first, i accepted my invitation back to school. my father seemed more concerned than anything, of course he was excited for me but; my parents made the silly mistake of allowing our bond to become friendship, resulting in my knowing when my father wasn't giving into his feelings, like just now.

"what's wrong dad?" i sat in my usual chair in the cramped office-library.

"nothings wrong, i just won't be able to keep an eye on you that's all" he fibbed through his teeth.

i'm not one to push someone for information, especially not my parents. so i let him lie and i acted as if i believed him even though we both knew that it was a lie.

———————————————
ciao again!
it's been a while i know but i've been so busy! it was also my birthday yesterday and i wanted to write so i did at two am! also i know this ones short, it's just a filler. but i've basically finished the book in ideas now just haven't written it out!