Apparently, I Belong To You

*I am Lucky To Have Loved You And Still Do*

Zaabit-POV

Love...Why does it always gives pain. Suffering that never seems to find its closure. I never knew that loving someone could mean everything. To the extent that after losing it, I try to find it in every little thing. Sometimes nothing can bring it back.

Love...it came into my life when I least expected it, embracing was harder and losing is worse. It left a gaping hole in me and nothing will fulfill it. It hurts so much, giving me physical heart aches that always makes me scream for her.

Saama.

Saama, my wife, my first love, and my everything. I yearns for her like my next breath, everything in me misses her from my breath to my worth of life. She left me while taking her last breath in my arms. I cradle her small, fragile body as she left the world but leaving behind aches of mountains for the people who loved her listlessly.

Saama was my cousin, whom I  never actually liked as a kid because she was too perfect. I hated it when she would always be cling to her house,reading books about things that only adult would be aware of and every time she would open her mouth, strong sensible words would make its way. I hated her  mature manner, trying to be like those adults and she knew it because I made it obvious.

Life went on, I fell into a dark pit of a world, assuming that is it for me spending the rest of my youth on a bed, depending on others for everything.

Death wish was always  on my lips but it never came true for me because I wasn't meant to go like that,  she was meant to be mine, in order for her to leave. I had to love her for a while for her to say goodbye to me.

Then one fine day, laying on my bed, with my eyes opened, she dandles in and told me to get up and to choose something for myself. To choose a road that would make me work hard and a have a motive to live. She became the strength behind this motive but when I did get up she was gone, crushing my hoping of being with her only remained.   

It took us years to get back together, she became a writer while I got promoted to a captain which was certainly because of her. If it wasn't for her push I wouldn't have achieved this title of a captain she was the strength for me to go on with tough training from start to until now. It started off in least expected way, she has fallen in love, was in love but with somebody else and was engaged to get married to him. Every time I would see them together my heart would splinter into many shards.  I wanted to pull them apart, form a distance where I could stand between them. And this happens the day  she was supposed to get married, miracles answered my prayers.  I became that man. And we got married. I accepted her but she didn't. She never could although she  had signed the papers, she has voiced her yes in all witnesses but deep down she never accepted the vows. The first time Saama held my hand in unsure, reserved way. I was fine with it, at least she was holding it, I could never  bring myself  to curl her hand in mine because I was afraid she would whisk it away. We held hands to move on,life became dream like when Saama stared to open up and I found myself gotten deeper into her thoughts without the barrier she had created.

Then things started to go downhill when I saw her  withering away slowly into her daze of anguish.Her disease came back, the one that never really let her lived, that snatched away her childhood, smile, love and tied her to me. The person that she least wanted to end up with.

 Love that  cocoon me in its sweetness has left me with a sorrow of a lifetime.Wounds so deep that scent of roses becomes my healer. The scent of the roses has been elixir to my wounded heart for  the past five years, helping me to heal and sometimes it brings her back like a powerful tide into my mind that physically sways me. And it stays for days which makes me think she hasn't left me alone in this  horrible lonely world. She is somewhere, hiding from me, more so that I can't  find her.