On the outside

Prologue.

I tried to explain it to many people-how it felt-how it made me hate everything that I was, but not a single soul could relate or was able to understand what it was that I was going through, and maybe a huge part of that had been caused by the fact that I had been speaking to the wrong people, you know....the type of people that didn't want to imagine that some things are just not as great as they've imagined them to be....it felt like explaining to a child that was still doing grade 7 that being in University is not all that great, and sure the comparison between University and what I was trying to get the whole world to understand is a bit off, but even I have run out of ideas, of soul, of being, of tears, of crying of trying of......even I am tired and that's just that.

I can no longer explain to people how it feels when you have to wake up in the middle of the night because of the horrible nightmares that you have to live every time you close your eyes, but wait, even before that.... I must laugh at us-humans that is-for how we have a talent of minimizing everything that we don't understand, and even I am no exception to this, I do it all the time, even right now as I think about peoples responses I am minimizing the fact that they are not going through the same things as me, I am minimizing the fact that even I don't want to talk about it.....

I could tell that he had started to feel so annoyed and agitated with me for not being able to talk to him, for not wanting to let him in and maybe he was angry because he thought I didn't trust him, and that got him even more furious, after he had told me his whole life story ,after he had let me in and shared with me all the corners of that darkened house that all his feelings lived in.

"FOR GOODNESS SAKE SCREAM IT SAY IT, CRY DAMMIT CRY IT, what could be so bad in your life that there is not a single person that you run to that can understand"

"that won't help" I responded, even now I won't, even now I will pretend like everything is okay and I will to giggle, smile and laugh just so that I am distracted from how much I hate every decision that I made that were driven by what I had though was love as a teenager, what on this earth did I even know, what did I understand about what love was....now it is a joke and now when I look at myself looking back I realize that it was all just a game, I was a pathetic joke and I continued to make a joke out of myself all because I had been scared of who I would even be able to turn to, who would kiss me, who would tell me that they loved me and despite it not being true....who would I have believed, but I suppose you are right, I suppose you are correct in calling me a negative spirit, in calling me someone that only see bad and never good...after all nobody understand what it is that I felt, that I feel more than you do right?