Ten | newtmas

fifty two

    I feel my eyes burning and my chest begin to tighten. The others begin talking to each other now, but my mother is now furrowing her eyebrows at me in confusion. Did she not just hear what they said?

    "You told them?" I say it so low it's practically a whisper.

    "Told them what?" Mom asks, leaning down.

    "About me," I say. There's more hurt than anger in my voice.

    "Oh, Newt, it's just my friends," Mom says, waving it off. She says it as if she's relieved that this was my question. Like this is something ridiculous to even think about.

    "Why would you do that?" I ask. Even with the medication, I can feel my anxiety.

    "Please don't be mad, I didn't know it would upset you like this," my mother says. Except she still says it as if it's not a big deal.

    I consider telling her I'm not mad. I consider brushing it off. I consider apologizing for asking.

    "It's not yours to talk about," I say. Now, I realize that the table is listening in.

    "I'm sorry, just take your medication and we'll talk about it later," Mom says, but I know she doesn't mean it. She still thinks I don't have the right to be annoyed.

    I shakily pick up my medication to start taking it, only wanting to distract from myself as my mother's friends look at me.

    "Don't worry, Newt, we just tell each other everything. We're all fine with it! It's okay," Carol or something says.

    I didn't ask if you were fine with it. My eyes squeeze shut for a moment as I drink my water to down the pills, getting them all down at once and thanking TIMI for forcing me to learn how. When I open my eyes again, it's a war with myself to not let any tears spill. Once again, all I can think about is how they must be looking at me now. How exposed I feel.

    "Are you okay?" Mom asks, sitting back down in her seat.

    Why would she think that this is okay? Does she know me at all? I don't even know these people, and now they know something about me that I struggled with and fought for years. The thing that took me ages to admit to myself, and then all of my strength to tell my parents. After all of that, it's just something my mother casually tells anyone listening.

    I can't speak. If I do, I'll start crying.

    "It's not a big deal, it's alright," Carol or something is back with her handy comforting words.

    "Does your daughter not think of outing her as bi to people before she can and casually talking about her personal business as a big deal?" The words are out before I can control them, and then everyone falls silent, mortified by my sudden harshness. Carol looks shocked. I meant it, but it wasn't supposed to come out like that. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

    "Newt, I think that's enough from you," Mom snaps, before turning to Carol or something. "Cara, he didn't mean that. He just gets over dramatic sometimes—it's a pill side effect. I'm so sorry."

    "Over dramatic?" I say. She's the one that did something wrong, and that makes me over dramatic now.

    My mother gives me a warning look. "I think you should go to your room, Newt."

    I don't need to be told twice to leave. When I get up, I almost apologize to Cara again, but I think she deserved that. I wipe at my eyes as I turn away, then grab my backpack and head up the stairs quickly, not looking back despite the fact that I know their eyes are still on me.