Ten | newtmas

nine

    "I'm so sorry," I say through my heavy breathing.

    "Don't worry about it, I'm glad to help," Thomas says, helping me onto the bed. Theres such a feeling of helplessness when you shut down like this. But somehow it's worse because you know you can technically do something, but you just can't. Theres nothing you can say to me that I'm not already thinking. 'Whats the worst that can happen if you move?' Thought it. Truth is, I don't know. Is there supposed to be logic behind madness?

    Once I'm propped on the bed it relaxes me a bit, maybe if I sleep I can reset it. But instead of sleeping, I decide to talk to Thomas. It probably wouldn't work anyway, especially while I still feel like I'm going to die from my heart pounding and the panic in my chest.

    "Hey, Tommy- Thomas, sorry," I say, at my accidental calling him Tommy. I mentally slap myself, he must think I'm so strange. Not that I should care, but it's only my first day.

    "It's fine," he says, laughing. "It's actually kinda cute."

    I immediately blush all over, against my will of course. This earns another laugh from Thomas.

    "Tommy. You can call me that," he continues. Like a bolt of lightning, panic and fear surge through me at that moment. My entire body starts shaking and without thinking, I look up to Tommy.

    Another thing about anxiety attacks, the person witnessing it feels just as helpless as you do.

    I feel tears welling up in my eyes and I snap my head down to hide my embarrassment. This is ridiculous, so ridiculous, I can't believe this is how I am. I hate myself. I hate how I can't do anything right. I can't even be crazy right.

    Thomas seems to hesitate a little before walking over to the bed and sitting down next to me. He scoots over towards me as I pull my knees up and put my head between them.

    "Can I?" he asks, putting his hand up. At first I'm confused but then I get it. He's asking if he can touch me. I nod, and let myself nod ten times. He doesn't say anything, he just turns to me and puts his hand on my back. At first it feels like a needle, but after a few seconds it gets comforting. I close my eyes and try not to think about whats happening.

    I just met this kid, and he's rubbing my back. Only a little strange. He's trying to help, though. And I appreciate it a lot. I wish Tommy could just make the numbers go away. Just start me over. What if I let him? Can he even do that?

    "Thomas?" I ask.

    "Yeah?" Thomas says quickly.

    "I have a theory," I say. A tear escapes my eye, but I quickly wipe it away.

    Thomas nods so I continue. "Maybe, if you get rid of this round it'll go away," I say. As its coming out I realize how insane that must sound. He doesn't even know whats wrong with me. Round means nothing to him.

    "Okay, Newt. It'll work. I can do it, I know how, okay?" Thomas says to me. "Lay down."

    I do as he says. Somehow I'm letting myself believe him. He says he can do it so he can. He can.

    "Its my hands. And my legs. I count-"

    "Shhh. I know. Its okay," he says.

    Thomas grabs my hands and holds them for a couple of seconds. Then, he moves down to my legs. I feel him sit on the bed next to my legs as I close my eyes.

    "After this, it'll all be gone. Okay?" Thomas says.

    "Okay," I say, starting to feel tired. He puts his hands on the bottom of my legs and keeps them there. This will make it okay. This will start it over. This will work, it'll work it'll work, it'll work.