My Stories And Secrets

Dear Anxiety part 2

Blessing In Disguise.

I have come a long way since discovering my C-PTSD. Today, for the first time, I thank God for my anxiety. This may seem to be impossible, how can someone possibly thank God for such a dark thing? I'll tell you how;

Today, when I was leading my group of middle-school girls as I do every sunday at church, I was able to use my anxiety to reach out to one of my girls. I have a girl in my group who, like many others, doesn't like sitting with the group during the lesson. Most of the time, this is simply because they don't want to listen to the message, or they don't want to sit on the floor.

So I had made a deal with this girl early on, to start off on the right foot, that if she sat with the group every second week, she could sit at the table during the other weeks. I've done this several times, and often towards the end of the year the girl will start choosing to sit with the group because friendships have formed strong enough for it to be worth it.

Today was her turn to sit with the group, but within ten minutes of sitting there, she was tapping my arm. She asked me if she could sit at the table instead. Normally I remind them of the deal and say that they need to keep their side because I kept mine, but something told me this wasn't the right response this time.

Having spent many services alone with her in the back of the room, I knew her better now, and I knew that there was a different reason she didn't want to be with the group. I scanned her face, spotting something near desperation edging into her face. She'd said before that she didn't like being with the group, but when it's a ten year old talking, they often just don't have the volcabulary (or self-awareness) to explain why they don't like crowds. 

Suddenly it clicked, God whispered in my ear, and suddenly I knew, even though I couldn't see it, that she was shaking. I realized that she had some of the same problems as me, she got anxiety from crowds. I quickly agreed that we could leave, now seeing the desperation of the situation. 

I quickly led the way to the back of the room, and knew that this wouldn't be enough, so I grabbed my wallet (even though I am broke and really don't have much money to spare) and took her out to the vending machine we have in the hallway. I bought her a bunch of snacks (I know from expirience that food can be a great distraction to help the anxiety ease) and we went to the cafe' where we sat, talked about musicians and minecraft. 

It was because of my own anxiety that I knew exactly what she needed. It was because of my own anxiety that I knew the triggers of panic attacks. It was because of the anxiety I felt under the surface that I knew what to do to make my girl's day easier.

And now, I thank God for my anxiety. I hate what it does to me, but I love what it enables me to do for others suffering with the same problems.

Today I decided that it was worth it. The nights of pacing, sweating, shaking, feeling torn apart from the sheer terror within... Suddenly I see the purpose in it, and I am willing to continue the struggle. I pray that God will continue to grow me and use me to touch the hearts of others.