My Stories And Secrets

Demons In My Closet.

Hey guys, I just thought I should explain a little bit; this chapter is something I wrote about something that happened that I cannot tell anyone about. So I wrote out the emotions and thoughts, but didn't explain exactly what happened.
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I lay in bed at night and think. My thoughts are relentless. What if I had simply done that different? Could I have saved that life? Should I blame myself? Should I go and tell them it's my fault? If they knew the truth, how would they see me? I know one person who'd hate me...

Just because it felt right at the time doesn't mean it was the smartest thing, sometimes keeping your mouth shut only sinks the ship... If you could see me now, you'd be horrified, so I keep that door shut and shut down, don't ever show the battle inside. I need a moment to breathe, I need a moment to vent this. 

I throw a pillow over my head to silence the thoughts, but that demon only screams louder. Now I can hear the screams of the dead, and somehow it's my fault... I'm tired of holding this back, but can't let it out, because if I do, the walls will crumble, someone will stumble, and my secret will kill the person I worry for the most. 

I know I was entrusted with being your mentor, and I could hardly believe the precious heart I was entrusted with. That's why I can't bear to let this out, because what I fear the most is you finding out. What would you do, if you only knew? Would you forgive me, or would you hate me? I pray that day never comes, but I hear no secret can be kept forever, so I live with this fear inside, the demon of blame and the demon of terror.

My heart cries; What does the Bible say? I don't know, I can't find a 'yes' and I can't find the 'no'. I pray to God 'please, just tell me now' but He's silent. I suppose there's hope, He's never hesitated to tell me I'm in the wrong, so maybe this is just a hard truth; that I can't know for sure until the day I stand before Him.

I don't know, all I know is this demon inside is laughing at me...